Astro Shite for October 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
You’ll have an indication of the structure your love life will take after 5 October, when killjoy Saturn finally leaves the building to join Elvis. Quit fluffing around and get realistic about relationships. The fun times return when Venus calls you on 28 October with promises of pleasure involving party balloons and marshmallow whip. Mars fires up your travel sector from 8 October. You’ll seek extreme sports like storm chasing in Nebraska or Persian waxing in Kabul to break the routine.
Aries colour association: red – audacious, focused, spirited

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
The sensual Full Moon in Taurus on 30 October helps you get physical with anyone who will have you. Break the modern day habit of living in your head by reconnecting with your body, barnacles ‘n’ all. You’ll be ready for commitment and security when Saturn begins his once-in-thirty year visit to your seventh house, aligning with the Sun and Mercury. Avoid joining the ranks of the unreliable and keep your promises for a change.
Taurus colour association: green – grounding, whole, earthy

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
The pace of romance accelerates when Mars enters your relationship sector on 8 October. ‘Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’ is your motto this month, as you morph into the modern day Casanova and break a few hearts. Saturn wraps up his once-in-thirty year visit to your creativity zone on 5 October. If you haven’t made an effort to develop your creative side, begin it now. Under Saturn’s influence, you’re developing skills to support yourself in the future. This includes zine-making skills, although I doubt that will pay the rent on your love den.
Gemini colour association: yellow – cerebral, inquiring, unreserved

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
There’ll be some serious zine making occurring under Saturn and Mercury’s influence from the first week of October. Saturn loves tangible goals, so aim for a two-year plan to develop your craft and establish yourself as the DIY extraordinaire. You’ll ascertain what your artistic strengths are, and where to direct your energy. Venus and Mercury team up at the end of the month to transform your home into a safe and creative environment, ripe for some old school copy-and-paste ventures.
Cancer colour association: silver – reflective, connecting, traditional

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
The Sun-Saturn merger on 26 October compels you to be realistic about your domestic situation. Your predicament is more Desperate Housewives than Leave it to Beaver. Learn to set limits with housemates. Mars creates fire in your belly after 8 October, resulting in random moments of anal acoustics. How embarrassment! The positive side of this transit is that you get competitive about zine-making and nominate yourself for the Golden Stapler Awards 146, 895 times. You then get your friends to nominate you 283, 945 times. Oooooh, was that harsh? Don’t mind me; I’m just forecasting like an astrological dick.
Leo colour association: gold – bold, opulent, warm

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Venus moves into your sign on 4 October, producing a challenging aspect to Mars. Watch the passive-aggressive streak; peeps already think you’re mental. Your financial empire building should be completed by 5 October when Saturn leaves your money house for your communication sector. Be mindful of unconscious body language. What you don’t say will speak louder than words. Mars literally lights up your home environment on 8 October, when the deep fat fryer catches fire and burns the house down. Damn those deep-fried-crispy-fried-deep-deep-deep-fried-fat-thinga-ma-jigs.
Virgo colour association: white – purifying, emetic, healing

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
The good news is that Saturn leaves your sign on 5 October. Your days of responsibility are over, and you can go back to being the frivolous imbecile you naturally are. A new cycle regarding money begins on 6 October. Cut back on spending and put together a sensible financial plan if you can drag yourself away from Etsy. The New Moon in Libra on 15 October indicates new romantic beginnings of the New Romantic kind. Peeps are drawn to your vintage Flock of Seagulls look. Nice. An adventurous link from Mars to Uranus advises that now is not the time to be vanilla with your lover. No one ever got laid being vanilla, except Vanilla Ice, once or twice during the 90s when Madonna had him by the gonads. Poor bastard.
Libra colour association: pink – charming, polished, agile

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Say goodbye to the good times, Scorpio. Dead-beat Saturn enters your sign on 5 October, ordering you to grow up, cut your hair, and get a job. This is the start of a two-year cycle of growth, maturity, and tax returns. Saturn visits your sign every thirty years, making late 2012 and all of 2013 significant. Be honest about what isn’t working in your life. Does matching a yellow business tie with that pink puffball shirt and green tennis shorts work as a fashion statement? And is this the right look for your outings to The Hellfire Club? Mars ignites your money sector from 8 October. The Gods beg you to go shopping for respectable bondage garments before the doors to the underworld close on you out of sheer revulsion.
Scorpio colour association: black – concealing, enigmatic, expunging

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Saturn completes restructuring your hip social network on 5 October, after an occupancy that dates back to November 2009. Rest assured that all dags, Philistines, and Liberal voters follow Saturn into your twelfth house of remoteness where they evaporate. Mars occupies your sign for most of the month. Your trademark recklessness is heightened, so try taking a step back and breathing for a change, before plunging into a course of action.
Sagittarius colour association: purple – imperial, voluminous, masterful

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Saturn enters your group sector for the first time in 29 years on 5 October. You take up leadership roles for causes that involve the community, charities, or environmental concerns, but you’ll be assertive and say ‘no’ to events that don’t interest you. Your spiritual side becomes important when Mars rejuvenates your twelfth house from 8 October. Turn off the telly and get into the corpse position. This may shock your loved ones into calling the cops, but at least you’re tuning in to your inner world while they’re outlining your body with chalk.
Capricorn colour association: brown – loyal, protective, deterring

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
Saturn triggers your career zone on 5 October. Examine which professional limits are necessary and which are fear-based. Mars revives your social scene from 8 October. Attend to unfinished business concerning a friend. Your leadership skills are renewed under a Mars transit, so organise extreme group activities, like Tough Mudder, to blast friends out of their comfort zone in the most severe way possible.
Aquarius colour association: turquoise – innovative, open, experimental

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
You become passionate about your work when Mars invigorates your career sector from 8 October. Grow some balls and follow a career path that is meaningful to you. Saturn starts a two-year passage through your education zone on 5 October. Mercury joins him on 6 October. Both planets form favourable links to your Sun, indicating a preference for teaching, writing, and research. Venus enters your relationship house on 4 October, generating a messy, romantic, and dramatic phase that would make Lord Byron blush.
Pisces colour association: aquamarine – altruistic, redeeming, pensive

Astro Shite for August 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Venus’ influence from 7 August to 6 September helps sweeten family relationships by dropping a lethal combo of arsenic and Sugarine into their cinnamon-infused skinny lattes. That should keep the relos off your back for the duration of the transit. The North Node activates your travel sector until 30 August. Destiny and soul purpose are themes for this month. The quest to find your spiritual home deepens, as you don a Zena Warrior Princess outfit from Basement Warehouse and prepare for some serious intrepid globetrotting.
Aries age association: 0 – 7 the age of singularity

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
This month you will have to exercise some of that classic Taurean patience, and wait until 23 August for Mars to enter your love zone. Even Phil Collins can’t hurry love, and he should know. The North Node visits this section of the chart on 30 August to stay for eighteen months. Your relationships will take on a fated quality as you recognise your paramours from previous lives. Wax your jugs and push back your cuticles coz the hot lovers of yesteryear are back to nudge you stubborn bulls in life changing directions.
Taurus age association: 7 - 14 the age of innocence

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Mercury’s retrograde motion in the first week of August occurs in your ruling third house of communication. A little less conversation and a lot more action are needed from you chattering twins. The period after 8 August represents new beginnings. Venus will help revamp your tired, shabby, I’ve-been-scrubbing-the-toilet look to a sexy, sultry, I’ve-been-airbrushed-in-Photoshop image. The fated North Node travels through your seventh house of relationships until 30 August. Mars aligns with Saturn on 15 August. You will be taking lessons in love from the Universe, which will be tricky as know-it-all Gemini think they know-it-all.
Gemini age association: 14 - 21 the teen age

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
This is the month for self-loving as Venus enters your sign on 8 August. Venus in Cancer enjoys pampering, so book for a complete overhaul at your beautician/surgeon/butcher/wrecker and watch the external synchronise with the internal. Mars forms a favourable aspect with the Full Moon on 31 August to lift you to a higher ground with the help of Stevie Wonder and The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Explore philosophies that inspire you through classic titles like: My Motherboard, Myself; I’m Dysfunctional, You’re Dysfunctional; and Life’s Just Not That Into You. This transit is about accepting that you’re boring but making it work for you.
Cancer age association: 21 - 28 the age of marriage

Leo (21 July to 21 August)

The New Moon in your sign on 18 August spells seed planting time, so get down ‘n’ dirty in the Garden of Paradise and bite the forbidden apple. It worked for Steve Jobs. A square from Venus to Uranus shows temporary separations from loved ones. This isn’t surprising as domestic agriculture can be addictive. You are called to take on leadership in family disputes when Mars energises your fourth house from 23 August. Venus triggers your spirituality zone on 7 August. Power meditation sessions held under this transit attract hippies, crusties, and hair scrunchies to your energy field.
Leo age association: 28 - 35 the age of parenthood

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Virgos will be elated to know that Mars and Saturn align in your financial house on 15 August. You get *serious* about money under this transit, and that turns you on. Venus energises your social sector from 7 August. Women’s groups interest you during this cycle, and not just as places to pick up. The Full Moon on 31 August in your relationship zone sends the Mystic Instructor who teaches you how to enjoy the present, live creatively, and not worry about the future – all the niggling little issues Virgos finds challenging.
Virgo age association: 35 – 42 the age of bachelor/spinsterhood

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
The period around 15 August when Mars and Saturn align in your sign is an ideal time for putting yourself first. As a planet that channels the ‘me first’ principle, Mars demands that you be less compromising and more authentic. Venus visits your work sector on 7 August for a performance review which wins you a Gold Logie. Hamish Blake gets nervous and you get the corner office with city views. Mars energises your money zone at the end of the month, attracting fiscal wizards like Donald Trump who can help you maximise your finances and sell you a tacky hairpiece at the same time.
Libra age association: 42 - 49 the age of recognition

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Your traditional ruling planet Mars enters Scorpio on 23 August. This once-in-two-year influence is like spinach for Popeye in that it gives you courage and makes your muscles bulge. You’ll be fired up about zine-making. Enthusiasm and desire are powerful motivators and more productive than revenge and homicide. Expect fated events to occur when the North Node enters your sign on 30 August and hangs around until February 2014. This transit will be good, it will be bad, and it will be cringe-worthy like a spaghetti western, but the soundtrack is awesome.
Scorpio age association: 49 - 56 the age of introspection

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
You’ll be viewing your romantic conquests through the rear view mirror of your Monaro when Venus leaves your love sector on 8 August. Mars triggers your spirituality house from 24 August. Forget the debauchery of the past few months and turn your attention inwards. This is a transit for developing intuition. Cutting back on superficial distractions gives you space to reflect and process events of the previous two years, which have gone your way as they usually do.
Sagittarius age association: 56 - 63 the age of spiritual enlightenment

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
The North Node enters your eleventh house of friendships at the end of August, drawing you closer to peeps who support you, while creating distance from those who waste your time and drag you down. Connect with new social and professional networks, and get LinkedIn. Special interest groups such as hunters and shooters’ parties, witches’ covens, and Dickheads Anonymous appeal to you now. Venus visits your love sector from 7 August. You will feel warm and fuzzy for most of the month knowing that your powers of attraction have accelerated to Justin Beiber status.
Capricorn age association: 63 - 70 the age of retirement

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
The Full Moon in your sign on 2 August highlights likeminded people literally tied together through a shared love of unconventional interests like underwater origami and necrophilia. Links from Jupiter and Uranus create the need to break routine. Mercury moves forward in your love sector after 8 August. The Gods send you a flighty but entertaining mate who bolts like Steve Moneghetti once they realise how dull you are. Mars triggers your career zone from 23 August. You get fired up and fired from your call centre job after leaving obscene noises and a Weird Al Yankovic music sample on your client’s message bank. Very mature.
Aquarius age association: 70 - 77 the age of second childhood

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Venus forms a trine to your Sun from 7 August, helping you tune into the beauty present in galleries, museums, ex-railway yards, and other wanky public sites. The Pisces Full Moon on 31 August charges your psychic powers so that you emit energy like a glow stick. You are mistaken for the Incredible Hulk, but that’s cool because divine service is the key to fulfilment this month. You touch the peeps, but not in that way. The North Node enters your ninth house on 30 August where it will stay until February 2014. Academic pursuits begin to shape your destiny in the second half of the year. Pipe dreams involving writing, teaching, or studying become possible. Impressive for a mute superhero who wears torn business pants, eh?
Pisces age association: 77 - 84 the age of death and rebirth

Astro Shite for July 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Hasty Mars can’t leave your domestic sector fast enough on 3 July. He dives headfirst into your love zone and does the duty until 23 August with fervour. This suits fiery Rams perfectly, as you like it fast and furious. Get proactive about your relationship and progress to the next level. Mercury’s extended visit to your house of creativity goes retrograde from 14 July. This is an ideal time to reminisce about forgotten childhood activities like the time you created homemade explosives using mum’s nail polish remover to blow up the neighbour’s Datsun. Ah, memories …
Aries literary giant: Tennessee Williams

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Mercury yaks his way through your domestic sector this month. Fortunately, the retrograde motion between 14 July and 8 August zips your trap enough so that your housemates can watch The Footy Show in peace. Not to be outdone by the idiot box, warrior Mars torments you and your loser friends into blitzing ‘n’ bleaching the apocalyptic bombsite you call home. The New Moon on 19 July triggers the urge deep within your flabby gut to create the first edible gourmet zine, a dream come true for the Taurean zinester.
Taurus literary giant: Joseph Heller

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Your ruling planet Mercury does the moonwalk between 14 July and 8 August. This transit doesn’t transform you into Michael Jackson just because you wear a white gardening glove. Review the ways in which you express yourself. Ditch the crotch-grabbing moves and find authentic forms of self-expression. Mars triggers your house of love affairs between 3 July and 23 August. Like Craig Thompson, you’ll be shagging anything that a taxpayer-owned credit card can buy. Ignore the reports on Lateline and Media Watch; the Gods want you to act now, think later. This month is ideal for indulging your desires at someone else’s expense. As Gemini it girl Nancy Sinatra once said, you only live twice.
Gemini literary giant: Allen Ginsberg

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Mercury moves backwards in your money sector from 14 July. You will have to wait for the retrograde motion to end on 8 August before collecting zine, Etsy, and Centrelink payments. The New Moon in your sign on 19 July occurs while Mars opposes Uranus. Reject the Status Quo; they’re a Dinosaur band whose members still wear flares (boogie-woogie rock anyone?). A Mars-Uranus link can be volatile, especially when it occurs on the New Moon. This can mark an exciting era for Crabs if they contract crabs. While revolution maybe taking place on a global scale, the most important revolution is the one occurring within. How New Agey is that?
Cancer literary giant: Hunter S Thompson

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Leo, reflect on where you are now and review where you want to go when Mercury retrogrades in your sign from 14 July. Taking a step back to move forward is ideal under this transit. Creating a perzine can be useful in helping you process the mad thoughts and ludicrous ideas surfacing at the moment. Jupiter activates Uranus in your travel sector between 20 and 24 July. Expand your need for freedom by running from the responsibilities that cramp your style. Worrying about exorbitant utility bills and the carbon tax is for the birds. Your concerns are Big Picture. This month focus on developing a personal philosophy that helps you make sense of this mad, mad, mad, mad world.
Leo literary giant: Charles Bukowski

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Mars leaves your sign on 3 July and enters your money house. Despite Dickensian industrial relations practises, you now have the courage to stand up for your financial rights and win. Mars also supports your quest for generating new income streams without grovelling to people who don’t care whether you live or die. Review your spiritual tradition when Mercury retrogrades in your twelfth house from 14 July by asking life’s big questions: does the Latvian Orthodox religion really have the best hat? Do they make it in my colour? Will it make my bum look big? Questions … questions …
Virgo literary giant: Agatha Christie

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Mars enters your sign on 4 July giving sluggish Saturn a boost of energy. This is a period of increased action. A New Moon in your career sector on 19 July triggers professional beginnings. Jupiter aligns with Uranus between 20 and 24 July bringing unexpected and kinky sexual opportunities. Like Mozart’s racy opera Cosi fan Tutte, romantic relationships can teach you that there are many ways to love and be loved despite conventionality. You’ll be repeating yourself to friends under Mercury’s retrograde motion from 14 July … you’ll be repeating yourself to friends under Mercury’s retrograde motion from 14 July … you’ll be repeating yourself …
Libra literary giant: Gore Vidal

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Mars joins Saturn in your spirituality sector from 3 July, arousing your passion for the esoteric. This is an ideal time to retreat deep into the woods in a creepy Boris Karloff way, frightening the wildlife with your Alice Cooper makeup and fake Dracula fangs. Like Hades descending into the Underworld Metro nightclub on a school night, you recharge your batteries far from the madding crowd. Mercury retrogrades in your career zone from 14 July with tips for improving your curriculum vitae. Your Sun trines the New Moon on 19 July and you develop insight into the supernatural beast you truly are. Be afraid, peeps. Be very afraid.
Scorpio literary giant: Dylan Thomas

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Mercury retrogrades in your travel sector from 14 July. Your flight will be delayed until August, so pack your toothbrush and plenty of zines because you’ll be living at the airport - the Centaur’s spiritual home. The Sun passes through the international terminal without a boarding pass on 23 July where its unlimited energy fuels the big bird and gets your show on the road. Mars works diligently to resuscitate your flaccid social status from 3 July. Peeps look to you for leadership and to show them the way to St. Louis, which is where your flight is headed.
Sagittarius literary giant: Philip K Dick

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Don the power suit. The Full Moon on 4 July arouses ambition more than usual in the industrious Goat. The Moon slides up next to Pluto, generating desire for self-transformation through a significant other. You can create lasting change with the help of Venus, Mercury and Uranus without walking over victims in your spiked Manolo Blahniks. Mercury retrogrades in your financial sector from 14 July causing money delays thanks to dodgy paperwork. The Sun saves you from economic ruin when it energises this house from 22 July. The Capricorn saga of building castles in the air in the form of hideous tower blocks continues next month. Stay tuned.
Capricorn literary giant: Simone de Beauvoir.

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
Mercury retrogrades through your relationship sector from 14 July. As a detached Aquarian, you are baffled by the subtleties of love: unable to read between the lines and oblivious to body language. It’s safe to say that you don’t have one romantic bone in your body, which is why Mercury is helping you recognize the signals this month. Saturn, Venus, and Mars keep you on track with long term travel plans from 3 July. Destination: another galaxy. The New Moon in your work sector triggers opportunities for independent ways of making a living from 19 July. Stuffy Taureans and stodgy Capricorns can have the nine-to-five grind; water bearers are the zodiac’s freelancers and contractors.
Aquarius literary giant: Virginia Woolf

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Mars’ journey through your seventh and eighth houses has fired up your pathetic non-existent love life. This month you have the confidence to be sexy and outspoken with your lover like the Foxy Hornbags on YouTube. Mercury retrogrades in your domestic sector from 14 July. Nagging your housemates into doing their share of the housework goes un-noticed. Being an easy-going Piscean means that you are content with living in landfill until Mercury goes direct on 8 August. You conclude that hygiene is overrated but you wouldn’t tell a Virgo that.
Pisces literary giant: Jack Kerouac

The Occultation of Venus

A key astrological feature of 2012 is the Occultation of Venus, when Venus eclipses the Sun on 6 June 2012. This is a rare event, signalling a re-evaluation of values on both a personal and global scale. At the time of the occultation, Venus is retrograde, moving between the Sun and the Earth. During these retrograde phases, Venus reviews mundane and worldly matters. There are strong impulses to make changes in the areas of relationships, the arts, and finances.

Venus occultations occur in pairs, eight years apart, approximately every 120 years. In June 2004, the first of the current pair occurred. The upcoming Venus transit in June 2012 is the last for another 120 years. In this cycle, Venus makes one point in a star-shape path five times within eight years. This golden mean ratio of 5:8 is known as the divine proportion that can be seen in natural objects such as the shell and the rose. The shape of the rose is associated with Venus, love, beauty, and linked with mystical orders such as the Freemasons. The most symbolic representation of the rose is the five-pointed star, as represented by the Star of David and the pentagram. The divine proportion is behind all great works of art and architecture, the human body, and DNA structure. Gerald Holton created the peace sign, based on key points in Venus’ cycle, as an anti-nukes campaign symbol in 1958.

Transits of Venus are rare planetary events. They occur in a pattern that repeats every 243 years, with pairs of transits eight years apart, separated by long gaps of 121.5 years and 105.5 years. The last pair of Venus and Sun crossings happened in Sagittarius in 1874 and 1882, triggering the expansion of physical luxuries available in the developed world, and coinciding with the rise of the Dandy in Europe. This year, on 6 June 2012, Venus makes a conjunction to the Sun, initiating a new eight-year star pattern for Venus in the personal sign of Gemini. We are entering a phase of re-education, communicating, and becoming aware of our actions and their consequences within our environment. On a personal level, meetings of Venus with the Sun mark beginning points in our love life with other people and with ourselves.

For those of you living in Sydney, Venus crosses the right side of the Sun on Wednesday, 6 June 2012 at 8.16am, completing its crossing at 2.44pm. And while this may be a fascinating event, watching it with the naked eye could damage your vision. The Sydney Observatory’s sessions booked out months ago, however, there may still be vacancies at the University of Western Sydney Penrith observatory. Happy sky-gazing!

Astro Shite for June 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Jupiter leaves your money sector on 11 June. Financial projects begun under the giant planet’s influence will bear fruit in the second half of 2012 and beyond. Venus, Mercury and the Sun energise your domestic house from 7 June making mid-year the best time to kiss and make up with your family and relos. Mercury helps you discuss awkward issues with la familia between 7 and 26 June. It’s like The Sopranos without the blood splats. The Sun’s influence at the end of the month propels you to withdraw from the world, so curl up with some choice zines and a hot cup of Ecco.
Aries body parts: head, brain, eyes

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
The bounty of the cosmos of which you have been enjoying since June last year will end on 11 June. The good news is that Jupiter will move into your second house of finance and remain there until 26 June 2013, generating wealth. This is a good time to undertake that Peter Costello-approved economics degree. You’ll be equipped to handle large sums of cash because of this quality training. Mercury enters your domestic zone at the end of the month, connecting you to trades people wearing ridiculously small King Gee drawstring drill shorts. There will be a flow of sparkies, plumbers, and pool cleaners throughout your home resolving DIY dramas of the Bunnings variety.
Taurus body parts: neck, throat, ears

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Jupiter enters Gemini on 11 June starting a twelve-month cycle of expansion. You will find Indiana Jones-style adventure appealing as you reminisce about the experiences taken during Jupiter’s last visit to your sign in 2000/2001. This transit brings second chances with pipe dreams that didn’t materialise. Expect new patterns and behaviours in love to emerge in the last week of June. The Universe is telling you that in order to keep the hot peeps interested you will need to quit pissing on the bathroom mat and farting in bed. Damn. The North Node’s influence comes to a peak under the lunar eclipse on 4 June, releasing fear from past relationships (gotta love those restraining orders).
Gemini body parts: hands, arms, lungs

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
A new cycle of spiritual growth begins with the occultation of Venus on 6 June and compounded by Jupiter’s entry in your esoteric zone on 11 June. The second half of 2012 will have a chilled-out vibe as you retreat from the madness of the world by dropping acid to Russell Morris’ The Real Thing while being teleported to 1969. Be the twenty-first century radical and do less; you’ll be grateful in your old age that you didn’t work so hard. Your caring nature and calming words will soothe a friend in crisis when Mercury nests in your sign between 8 and 26 June.
Cancer body parts: chest, breasts, stomach

Leo (21 July to 21 August)

The professional adventures of the last twelve months will end on 11 June. This is either a blessing or a curse depending on your situation. The office dramas have been colossal, the wages minimal, and the Arnott’s biscuit tin barren. Thank the Universe that you will not be drinking watered-down No Frills instant coffee for a while. Mercury enters your sign on 26 June so you’ll be documenting your woeful tales of the nine-to-five in a zine. The Sun and Venus join on 6 June to expand your flagging social life. Jupiter’s entry in your eleventh house on 11 June generates quality friendship time that will last twelve months. Curious Mercury arouses the yearning to explore the mysteries of life between 7 and 26 June by burrowing through the works of Joseph Campbell. Face it; there’s dick-all esotericism in The Da Vinci Code.
Leo body parts: heart, spine, upper back

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Jupiter enters your professional sector on 11 June for the first time in twelve years. Your public life will take precedence over the next twelve months as you morph into the zine world’s answer to Jennifer Aniston, shiny hair ‘n’ all. The second half of 2012 is ideal for undertaking professional training that will help you reach those large scale zine dreams of yours. The Full Moon eclipse in your fourth house on 4 June spells the truth about home renovations – that they’re not as much fun as that other form of DIY. Baring your soul and flashing your bits between 26 and 29 June will get you laid for a change. You become the go-to peep for the latest gossip when Mercury visits your friendship sector between 7 and 26 June.
Virgo body parts: abdomen, intestines, spleen

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Jupiter enters your travel sector on 11 June. Large scale travel plans become possible over the next twelve months. If you ever wanted to experience the proverbial ‘trip of a lifetime’ but were too gutless or broke to do it, act now or forever hold your codpiece. Mercury enters your friendship sector in the last week of June. Expressing your most embarrassing and half-cooked ideas to your closest friends without them laughing in your face is possible now, so take advantage of this transit while it lasts, you fool.
Libra body parts: kidneys, skin, butt cheeks

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Remember that Billy Field tune Bad Habits? Yeah, that was written for you, Scorpio. Fortunately, you won’t have to endure that shit song when the lunar eclipse on 4 June energises your money house, helping you undo piss-poor financial behaviour. The Sun and Mercury merge in your travel sector. In true Scorpio form, you expose yourself from behind a grubby water-repellent rain coat to a variety of new and exotic experiences; an offence punishable by death in certain countries.
Scorpio body parts: sexual organs, reproductive system, rectum

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Jupiter begins a twelve month love cycle on 11 June. Between 26 and 29 June, Jupiter and Neptune flood your dreams with vivid images of the ideal relationship. Wake up my horsey friend; nothing that Technicolor exists in this lifetime. The lunar eclipse on 4 June combined with Venus overlapping the Sun a few days later triggers highly emotional states of consciousness, making you more shrill and annoying than usual. Mercury enters your travel sector in the last week of June. The Gods anticipate that you’ll fly away with the bogans on Jetstar. Here’s hoping …
Sagittarius body parts: hips, thighs, liver

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Jupiter enters the sixth house of routine and rotten jobs on 11 June, kick-starting a twelve month cycle. Domestic life gets frantic as you go berserk with the cordless dustbuster and obligatory can of Shake n’ Vac. Mercury energies your love sector between 6 and 26 June when you post gross accounts of your physical lovemaking on Facebook. The intensity of your relationship hits the heights on 12 June when 158,527496 losers ‘like’ your online status. Your psychic awareness peaks at the Full Moon eclipse in your spirituality zone on 4 June. Honour your gut by listening to what it has to say: start dieting immediately, you fat sod.
Capricorn body parts: teeth, bones, joints

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
The lunar eclipse on 4 June brings clarity around social situations. You will experience a phase of hyper-sensitivity surrounding friendships, believing that nobody wants to hang out with you. Examine the energy you are radiating. Aquarius is the sign that loves humanity but hates people. June is the month to reform your twisted thinking and appreciate that humans are from Earth and that you’re from somewhere else in the solar system. Your ruling planet Uranus teaches Venus a thing or two about kinky sex which, as you know, is the secret to an exciting love life. Dare yourself to push the envelope like Aquarian Barry Humphries did on Q&A the other night. What a scream!
Aquarius body parts: ankles, calves, circulatory system

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
You now know what you want to do when you grow up, thanks to the lunar eclipse in your career zone on 4 June. Jupiter enters your home zone on 11 June, followed by the New Moon on 20 June. Plans of relocating to a new home/suburb/state/country have chances of manifesting over the next twelve months. Actions taken under a Jupiter transit are usually favourable, so a new living environment is probably what your battered soul needs. The neighbours are elated that you’re going. Mercury occupies your creativity sector between 6 and 26 June. This is the best transit for zine making so zine away!
Pisces body parts: feet, lymphatic system, body fat

Sextrology

There is already a plethora of material available regarding the current Venus retrograde motion that it’s pointless for me to rehash what has been written repeatedly. Instead, I’ll bang on about the astrology book to consult during this transit.

 

Venus’ retrograde motion takes place between 16 May and 28 June this year, moving from 23 degrees Gemini back to 7 degrees Gemini. Its movement within the parameters of the third sign of the zodiac is significant in that it asks us to re-evaluate our deepest values on an intellectual level. Our minds are likely to be overactive during this transit, generating curiosity about relationships. As Venus moves towards the Sun, overlapping on 6 June, we learn to relinquish outmoded values of love and sex. I tend to review previous relationships under Venus retrograde in my sentimental Cancerian way.

 

Roaming around in the past is something I do regularly, and this Venus cycle intensifies my past-fixation further by urging me to revisit past soul mates spiritually. Sextrology: the Astrology of Sex and the Sexes (2007) is the compendium to pocket during this phase of looking back before moving forward.

 

Written by New York based astrological consultants, Stella Starsky and Quinn Cox, Sextrology is one of those rare astrology books that deal with the delicate subject of human astrology and sex in an intelligent, entertaining, and slightly titillating fashion. The authors describe it as a zodiac mandala of human sexuality. It sure is.

 

So what makes Sextrology special? Most astrology books lump males and females together when men and women of the same Sun sign are energetically different. Sextrology factors in the divide between the sexes and fully explores the sexual distinctions between them. Each astrological character’s chapter is divided into three sections: psychological profile; physical attributes; and sexual attitudes and behaviour. The authors combine the knowledge of classical archetypes with Jungian psychology, the Ancient Wisdoms, pop culture, and splashes of porn. It’s an eclectic Gemini-flavoured education.

 

As an astrologer and creator of an astrology zine – Astrobabble: the Zine for Astrology Nerds - I rarely draw upon material written by contemporary astrologers. For some reason, I don’t warm to the musings of the New Guard in the way I do towards the words of legendary teachers such as Alan Oken, Liz Greene, and Howard Sasportas. Starsky and Cox, however, are different. Apprentices of astrology will agree that the majority of subject material lining the bookshelves of bookstores (virtual and actual) are inferior and cringe-worthy, an ode to the dumbing-down of the Language of the Stars. So it was a revelation to stumble upon Sextrology and find that it examines the under explored terrain of human sexuality with a depth, knowledge, and voice lacking in modern esoteric writing.

 

Sextrology was first published during the Venus occultation of 2004. The book has re-entered my consciousness during the current Venus transit as the go-to relationship guide, should I get all wobbly with existential angst about that sort of thing.

 

Starsky and Cox website: www.starskyandcox.com

 

Astro Shite for May 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
The Full Moon in Scorpio on 6 May has you probing the subconscious, where life is murky-yucky-scary. You are out of your depth in this house, preferring the security of cage fighting or nude skydiving. Mercury moves into your money sector mid-May. You bore the peeps with talk of get-rich-quick schemes. Fortunately, the winged messenger flies into your communication house on 25 May where he feels at home talking prattle. The New Moon eclipse after the MCA Zine Fair on 21 May brings you success in the zine world. Every New Moon represents the potential for the birth of something new; it’s about time you re-discovered the joy of DIY.
Aries thespian: John Gielgud

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Taurus, you’ll be glad to know that this month is about review rather than initiation. Venus turns retrograde from 14 May in your financial sector, forcing you to slow down and observe how skint and desperate you are. Looking back at major events in May/June 2004 gives clues to how you became a loser and a disgrace to the human race. Experience delays in Centrelink and zine distro payments. Just when you thought you could burrow into that groaning tub of Baskin Robbins, the Full Moon in your relationship sector on 6 May sends you an intense and confronting super-sexy peep who will force you to face your hidden motives and desires. Don’t you just hate that?
Taurus thespian: Al Pacino

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Venus retrogrades in your sign between 14 May and 26 June, retracing cosmic ground she covered in May/June 2004. What have you learned since then? Nothing. How have you grown? Flabby. This month, get introspective and prepare for the next eight-year love cycle by enduring a back, sack, and crack wax. The New Moon eclipse in your sign on 21 May triggers the birth of a DIY project with heart. The appearance of Mercury in Gemini on 25 May consolidates its success. Jupiter gets in on the act, allowing for the expansion of ideas and opportunities to go further than your tiny mind can handle.
Gemini thespian: Ian McKellen

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Venus moves backwards in your spirituality zone from 14 May, keeping you housebound in Lowes boxer shorts and a threadbare Black Sabbath t-shirt. Your physical energy is low, your speech is slurred, and your eyeliner is smeared. You are mistaken for Ozzy Osbourne on day release. Your focus shifts inwards as you revisit esoteric rituals from May/June 2004 that involved playing death metal records backwards. Spooky. Mercury’s influence at the end of the month has you craving knowledge about the ways in which you can express yourself spiritually without listening to crappy music. Mastering the mind is the key to developing your understanding of mysticism.
Cancer thespian: Meryl Streep

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Adventure is the key to success this month, Leo. Your self-confidence soars after 14 May when the Sun and Jupiter join, helping you gain momentum in the professional arena. The peeps love your grandiloquent style as you expand beyond your comfort zone and make a total tool of yourself. God knows how you will handle the Venus retrograde transit through your party sector. This will be a quiet time socially, so put away your star-spangled g-string and reassess your friendships. Fortunately, the New Moon eclipse invigorates your social life from 21 May, so you’ll be twirling those titty tassels in no time.
Leo thespian: Helen Mirren

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Venus’ retrograde motion shows a link between work-life balance themes from May/June 2004 with mid-2012. Use this period to review career experiences from the previous eight years. Have you fulfilled your professional goals or has it been a decade of ‘same shit different day’? What changes can you implement to achieve world domination over the next eight years? You ponder these questions while waiting in the Centrelink queue, listening to One Direction on your iWank. The War Against The Poor continues when the New Moon eclipse on 21 May brings you a work-for-the-dole project that gets Nick Minchin sniggering and snorting like the smug Fascist pig that he is.
Virgo thespian: Jeremy Irons

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Libra, this month is about being a well dressed traveller. There’s nothing accidental about this tourist, darling. The Venus retrograde slows down your trek through the Sistema Penibetico mountain range, so that your almond coloured Chinos remain fresh and crumple-free. The Universe is so thoughtful. You revisit favourite peeps and places and savour the experience without documenting it on Facebook or Flickr. The New Moon eclipse on 21 May coupled with Mercury’s entry into your travel sector brings you high adventure with the shepherd in the Sherpa jacket you see grazing beyond the camping grounds of the Pico de Aneto. Stuff Chino freshness.
Libra thespian: Catherine Deneuve

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
A solar eclipse in your eighth house on 21 May heralds the start of a new financial cycle. This will make many Scorpions happy as money is up there with sex, vengeance, and perspiration. Mercury stimulates your curiosity about fiscal information that even humdrum tax accountants look sexually enticing without your beer goggles. This transit connects you with the right peeps to help overhaul your dire debt position. The intense Full Moon in your sign on 6 May encourages you to probe the surface of life and wade through the sewer that is your subconscious. You just wouldn’t be Scorpio without regular confrontations of absolute truths.
Scorpio thespian: Katherine Hepburn

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Sagittarius, sometimes love means having to say you’re sorry. Venus’ extended visit in your relationship sector coincides with one of her rare retrograde cycles between 14 May and 26 June. Expect misunderstandings with your partner to occur. They finally realise that you’re a useless fat turkey who needs stuffing. A New Moon eclipse on 21 May heralds a new cycle where love themes from May/June 2004 resurface. Now is the time to make peace with your past and move forward with your romantic future by destroying those Polaroids of a nude you covered in fairy floss and ostrich feathers. The barriers that have been blocking your amorous progress will lift.
Sagittarius thespian: Judi Dench

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Capricorn, you won’t be feeling the love at work this month when Venus retrogrades in your house of routine between 14 May and 26 June. Before flinging your Filofax Organiser out the window, wait! The New Moon eclipse on 21 May brings a long awaited professional breakthrough. The alignment with Jupiter shows you career possibilities beyond the bored room. Mercury accelerates your chances for stimulating work at the end of the month when you are blessed with the gift of the gab and swindle your way into the corporate world with jargon such as ‘open the kimono’, ‘sweat the assets’, and ‘bottom out’. Sounds kinda saucy, doesn’t it?
Capricorn thespian: Anthony Hopkins

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
You will be adopting a playful, child-like approach to life this month, Aquarius. This meshes well with your puerile personality and intolerable behaviour. The New Moon on 21 May triggers the start of a new cycle in self-expression where you reconnect with forgotten creative passions. Mercury trines your Sun from 25 May and you will be zine-ing from the right side of the brain with ease. Expect primitive crayon drawings with gold stars and coloured pipe cleaners to emerge from this fertile period.
Aquarius thespian: Vanessa Redgrave

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
The Full Moon in Scorpio on 6 May has you probing the deep questions of life whereby you seek the advice of sages with names like Deepak, Tupak, and Multipak. Mercury gives you plenty of ideas of how to spend your dosh in the first week of May, but is rebuked by lesson master Saturn who constantly reminds you of commitments to debt, taxes, HECS, Newstart, and other boring left brain stuff. Venus retrogrades through your domestic sector from 14 May, politely asking you to change the bed sheets and air the bedroom; chores that you haven’t tackled since the May/June 2004 planetary cycle. Yuk!
Pisces thespian: Michael Caine