Astro Shite for July 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Hasty Mars can’t leave your domestic sector fast enough on 3 July. He dives headfirst into your love zone and does the duty until 23 August with fervour. This suits fiery Rams perfectly, as you like it fast and furious. Get proactive about your relationship and progress to the next level. Mercury’s extended visit to your house of creativity goes retrograde from 14 July. This is an ideal time to reminisce about forgotten childhood activities like the time you created homemade explosives using mum’s nail polish remover to blow up the neighbour’s Datsun. Ah, memories …
Aries literary giant: Tennessee Williams

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Mercury yaks his way through your domestic sector this month. Fortunately, the retrograde motion between 14 July and 8 August zips your trap enough so that your housemates can watch The Footy Show in peace. Not to be outdone by the idiot box, warrior Mars torments you and your loser friends into blitzing ‘n’ bleaching the apocalyptic bombsite you call home. The New Moon on 19 July triggers the urge deep within your flabby gut to create the first edible gourmet zine, a dream come true for the Taurean zinester.
Taurus literary giant: Joseph Heller

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Your ruling planet Mercury does the moonwalk between 14 July and 8 August. This transit doesn’t transform you into Michael Jackson just because you wear a white gardening glove. Review the ways in which you express yourself. Ditch the crotch-grabbing moves and find authentic forms of self-expression. Mars triggers your house of love affairs between 3 July and 23 August. Like Craig Thompson, you’ll be shagging anything that a taxpayer-owned credit card can buy. Ignore the reports on Lateline and Media Watch; the Gods want you to act now, think later. This month is ideal for indulging your desires at someone else’s expense. As Gemini it girl Nancy Sinatra once said, you only live twice.
Gemini literary giant: Allen Ginsberg

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Mercury moves backwards in your money sector from 14 July. You will have to wait for the retrograde motion to end on 8 August before collecting zine, Etsy, and Centrelink payments. The New Moon in your sign on 19 July occurs while Mars opposes Uranus. Reject the Status Quo; they’re a Dinosaur band whose members still wear flares (boogie-woogie rock anyone?). A Mars-Uranus link can be volatile, especially when it occurs on the New Moon. This can mark an exciting era for Crabs if they contract crabs. While revolution maybe taking place on a global scale, the most important revolution is the one occurring within. How New Agey is that?
Cancer literary giant: Hunter S Thompson

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Leo, reflect on where you are now and review where you want to go when Mercury retrogrades in your sign from 14 July. Taking a step back to move forward is ideal under this transit. Creating a perzine can be useful in helping you process the mad thoughts and ludicrous ideas surfacing at the moment. Jupiter activates Uranus in your travel sector between 20 and 24 July. Expand your need for freedom by running from the responsibilities that cramp your style. Worrying about exorbitant utility bills and the carbon tax is for the birds. Your concerns are Big Picture. This month focus on developing a personal philosophy that helps you make sense of this mad, mad, mad, mad world.
Leo literary giant: Charles Bukowski

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Mars leaves your sign on 3 July and enters your money house. Despite Dickensian industrial relations practises, you now have the courage to stand up for your financial rights and win. Mars also supports your quest for generating new income streams without grovelling to people who don’t care whether you live or die. Review your spiritual tradition when Mercury retrogrades in your twelfth house from 14 July by asking life’s big questions: does the Latvian Orthodox religion really have the best hat? Do they make it in my colour? Will it make my bum look big? Questions … questions …
Virgo literary giant: Agatha Christie

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Mars enters your sign on 4 July giving sluggish Saturn a boost of energy. This is a period of increased action. A New Moon in your career sector on 19 July triggers professional beginnings. Jupiter aligns with Uranus between 20 and 24 July bringing unexpected and kinky sexual opportunities. Like Mozart’s racy opera Cosi fan Tutte, romantic relationships can teach you that there are many ways to love and be loved despite conventionality. You’ll be repeating yourself to friends under Mercury’s retrograde motion from 14 July … you’ll be repeating yourself to friends under Mercury’s retrograde motion from 14 July … you’ll be repeating yourself …
Libra literary giant: Gore Vidal

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Mars joins Saturn in your spirituality sector from 3 July, arousing your passion for the esoteric. This is an ideal time to retreat deep into the woods in a creepy Boris Karloff way, frightening the wildlife with your Alice Cooper makeup and fake Dracula fangs. Like Hades descending into the Underworld Metro nightclub on a school night, you recharge your batteries far from the madding crowd. Mercury retrogrades in your career zone from 14 July with tips for improving your curriculum vitae. Your Sun trines the New Moon on 19 July and you develop insight into the supernatural beast you truly are. Be afraid, peeps. Be very afraid.
Scorpio literary giant: Dylan Thomas

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Mercury retrogrades in your travel sector from 14 July. Your flight will be delayed until August, so pack your toothbrush and plenty of zines because you’ll be living at the airport - the Centaur’s spiritual home. The Sun passes through the international terminal without a boarding pass on 23 July where its unlimited energy fuels the big bird and gets your show on the road. Mars works diligently to resuscitate your flaccid social status from 3 July. Peeps look to you for leadership and to show them the way to St. Louis, which is where your flight is headed.
Sagittarius literary giant: Philip K Dick

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Don the power suit. The Full Moon on 4 July arouses ambition more than usual in the industrious Goat. The Moon slides up next to Pluto, generating desire for self-transformation through a significant other. You can create lasting change with the help of Venus, Mercury and Uranus without walking over victims in your spiked Manolo Blahniks. Mercury retrogrades in your financial sector from 14 July causing money delays thanks to dodgy paperwork. The Sun saves you from economic ruin when it energises this house from 22 July. The Capricorn saga of building castles in the air in the form of hideous tower blocks continues next month. Stay tuned.
Capricorn literary giant: Simone de Beauvoir.

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
Mercury retrogrades through your relationship sector from 14 July. As a detached Aquarian, you are baffled by the subtleties of love: unable to read between the lines and oblivious to body language. It’s safe to say that you don’t have one romantic bone in your body, which is why Mercury is helping you recognize the signals this month. Saturn, Venus, and Mars keep you on track with long term travel plans from 3 July. Destination: another galaxy. The New Moon in your work sector triggers opportunities for independent ways of making a living from 19 July. Stuffy Taureans and stodgy Capricorns can have the nine-to-five grind; water bearers are the zodiac’s freelancers and contractors.
Aquarius literary giant: Virginia Woolf

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Mars’ journey through your seventh and eighth houses has fired up your pathetic non-existent love life. This month you have the confidence to be sexy and outspoken with your lover like the Foxy Hornbags on YouTube. Mercury retrogrades in your domestic sector from 14 July. Nagging your housemates into doing their share of the housework goes un-noticed. Being an easy-going Piscean means that you are content with living in landfill until Mercury goes direct on 8 August. You conclude that hygiene is overrated but you wouldn’t tell a Virgo that.
Pisces literary giant: Jack Kerouac

The Occultation of Venus

A key astrological feature of 2012 is the Occultation of Venus, when Venus eclipses the Sun on 6 June 2012. This is a rare event, signalling a re-evaluation of values on both a personal and global scale. At the time of the occultation, Venus is retrograde, moving between the Sun and the Earth. During these retrograde phases, Venus reviews mundane and worldly matters. There are strong impulses to make changes in the areas of relationships, the arts, and finances.

Venus occultations occur in pairs, eight years apart, approximately every 120 years. In June 2004, the first of the current pair occurred. The upcoming Venus transit in June 2012 is the last for another 120 years. In this cycle, Venus makes one point in a star-shape path five times within eight years. This golden mean ratio of 5:8 is known as the divine proportion that can be seen in natural objects such as the shell and the rose. The shape of the rose is associated with Venus, love, beauty, and linked with mystical orders such as the Freemasons. The most symbolic representation of the rose is the five-pointed star, as represented by the Star of David and the pentagram. The divine proportion is behind all great works of art and architecture, the human body, and DNA structure. Gerald Holton created the peace sign, based on key points in Venus’ cycle, as an anti-nukes campaign symbol in 1958.

Transits of Venus are rare planetary events. They occur in a pattern that repeats every 243 years, with pairs of transits eight years apart, separated by long gaps of 121.5 years and 105.5 years. The last pair of Venus and Sun crossings happened in Sagittarius in 1874 and 1882, triggering the expansion of physical luxuries available in the developed world, and coinciding with the rise of the Dandy in Europe. This year, on 6 June 2012, Venus makes a conjunction to the Sun, initiating a new eight-year star pattern for Venus in the personal sign of Gemini. We are entering a phase of re-education, communicating, and becoming aware of our actions and their consequences within our environment. On a personal level, meetings of Venus with the Sun mark beginning points in our love life with other people and with ourselves.

For those of you living in Sydney, Venus crosses the right side of the Sun on Wednesday, 6 June 2012 at 8.16am, completing its crossing at 2.44pm. And while this may be a fascinating event, watching it with the naked eye could damage your vision. The Sydney Observatory’s sessions booked out months ago, however, there may still be vacancies at the University of Western Sydney Penrith observatory. Happy sky-gazing!

Astro Shite for June 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Jupiter leaves your money sector on 11 June. Financial projects begun under the giant planet’s influence will bear fruit in the second half of 2012 and beyond. Venus, Mercury and the Sun energise your domestic house from 7 June making mid-year the best time to kiss and make up with your family and relos. Mercury helps you discuss awkward issues with la familia between 7 and 26 June. It’s like The Sopranos without the blood splats. The Sun’s influence at the end of the month propels you to withdraw from the world, so curl up with some choice zines and a hot cup of Ecco.
Aries body parts: head, brain, eyes

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
The bounty of the cosmos of which you have been enjoying since June last year will end on 11 June. The good news is that Jupiter will move into your second house of finance and remain there until 26 June 2013, generating wealth. This is a good time to undertake that Peter Costello-approved economics degree. You’ll be equipped to handle large sums of cash because of this quality training. Mercury enters your domestic zone at the end of the month, connecting you to trades people wearing ridiculously small King Gee drawstring drill shorts. There will be a flow of sparkies, plumbers, and pool cleaners throughout your home resolving DIY dramas of the Bunnings variety.
Taurus body parts: neck, throat, ears

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Jupiter enters Gemini on 11 June starting a twelve-month cycle of expansion. You will find Indiana Jones-style adventure appealing as you reminisce about the experiences taken during Jupiter’s last visit to your sign in 2000/2001. This transit brings second chances with pipe dreams that didn’t materialise. Expect new patterns and behaviours in love to emerge in the last week of June. The Universe is telling you that in order to keep the hot peeps interested you will need to quit pissing on the bathroom mat and farting in bed. Damn. The North Node’s influence comes to a peak under the lunar eclipse on 4 June, releasing fear from past relationships (gotta love those restraining orders).
Gemini body parts: hands, arms, lungs

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
A new cycle of spiritual growth begins with the occultation of Venus on 6 June and compounded by Jupiter’s entry in your esoteric zone on 11 June. The second half of 2012 will have a chilled-out vibe as you retreat from the madness of the world by dropping acid to Russell Morris’ The Real Thing while being teleported to 1969. Be the twenty-first century radical and do less; you’ll be grateful in your old age that you didn’t work so hard. Your caring nature and calming words will soothe a friend in crisis when Mercury nests in your sign between 8 and 26 June.
Cancer body parts: chest, breasts, stomach

Leo (21 July to 21 August)

The professional adventures of the last twelve months will end on 11 June. This is either a blessing or a curse depending on your situation. The office dramas have been colossal, the wages minimal, and the Arnott’s biscuit tin barren. Thank the Universe that you will not be drinking watered-down No Frills instant coffee for a while. Mercury enters your sign on 26 June so you’ll be documenting your woeful tales of the nine-to-five in a zine. The Sun and Venus join on 6 June to expand your flagging social life. Jupiter’s entry in your eleventh house on 11 June generates quality friendship time that will last twelve months. Curious Mercury arouses the yearning to explore the mysteries of life between 7 and 26 June by burrowing through the works of Joseph Campbell. Face it; there’s dick-all esotericism in The Da Vinci Code.
Leo body parts: heart, spine, upper back

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Jupiter enters your professional sector on 11 June for the first time in twelve years. Your public life will take precedence over the next twelve months as you morph into the zine world’s answer to Jennifer Aniston, shiny hair ‘n’ all. The second half of 2012 is ideal for undertaking professional training that will help you reach those large scale zine dreams of yours. The Full Moon eclipse in your fourth house on 4 June spells the truth about home renovations – that they’re not as much fun as that other form of DIY. Baring your soul and flashing your bits between 26 and 29 June will get you laid for a change. You become the go-to peep for the latest gossip when Mercury visits your friendship sector between 7 and 26 June.
Virgo body parts: abdomen, intestines, spleen

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Jupiter enters your travel sector on 11 June. Large scale travel plans become possible over the next twelve months. If you ever wanted to experience the proverbial ‘trip of a lifetime’ but were too gutless or broke to do it, act now or forever hold your codpiece. Mercury enters your friendship sector in the last week of June. Expressing your most embarrassing and half-cooked ideas to your closest friends without them laughing in your face is possible now, so take advantage of this transit while it lasts, you fool.
Libra body parts: kidneys, skin, butt cheeks

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Remember that Billy Field tune Bad Habits? Yeah, that was written for you, Scorpio. Fortunately, you won’t have to endure that shit song when the lunar eclipse on 4 June energises your money house, helping you undo piss-poor financial behaviour. The Sun and Mercury merge in your travel sector. In true Scorpio form, you expose yourself from behind a grubby water-repellent rain coat to a variety of new and exotic experiences; an offence punishable by death in certain countries.
Scorpio body parts: sexual organs, reproductive system, rectum

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Jupiter begins a twelve month love cycle on 11 June. Between 26 and 29 June, Jupiter and Neptune flood your dreams with vivid images of the ideal relationship. Wake up my horsey friend; nothing that Technicolor exists in this lifetime. The lunar eclipse on 4 June combined with Venus overlapping the Sun a few days later triggers highly emotional states of consciousness, making you more shrill and annoying than usual. Mercury enters your travel sector in the last week of June. The Gods anticipate that you’ll fly away with the bogans on Jetstar. Here’s hoping …
Sagittarius body parts: hips, thighs, liver

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Jupiter enters the sixth house of routine and rotten jobs on 11 June, kick-starting a twelve month cycle. Domestic life gets frantic as you go berserk with the cordless dustbuster and obligatory can of Shake n’ Vac. Mercury energies your love sector between 6 and 26 June when you post gross accounts of your physical lovemaking on Facebook. The intensity of your relationship hits the heights on 12 June when 158,527496 losers ‘like’ your online status. Your psychic awareness peaks at the Full Moon eclipse in your spirituality zone on 4 June. Honour your gut by listening to what it has to say: start dieting immediately, you fat sod.
Capricorn body parts: teeth, bones, joints

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
The lunar eclipse on 4 June brings clarity around social situations. You will experience a phase of hyper-sensitivity surrounding friendships, believing that nobody wants to hang out with you. Examine the energy you are radiating. Aquarius is the sign that loves humanity but hates people. June is the month to reform your twisted thinking and appreciate that humans are from Earth and that you’re from somewhere else in the solar system. Your ruling planet Uranus teaches Venus a thing or two about kinky sex which, as you know, is the secret to an exciting love life. Dare yourself to push the envelope like Aquarian Barry Humphries did on Q&A the other night. What a scream!
Aquarius body parts: ankles, calves, circulatory system

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
You now know what you want to do when you grow up, thanks to the lunar eclipse in your career zone on 4 June. Jupiter enters your home zone on 11 June, followed by the New Moon on 20 June. Plans of relocating to a new home/suburb/state/country have chances of manifesting over the next twelve months. Actions taken under a Jupiter transit are usually favourable, so a new living environment is probably what your battered soul needs. The neighbours are elated that you’re going. Mercury occupies your creativity sector between 6 and 26 June. This is the best transit for zine making so zine away!
Pisces body parts: feet, lymphatic system, body fat

Sextrology

There is already a plethora of material available regarding the current Venus retrograde motion that it’s pointless for me to rehash what has been written repeatedly. Instead, I’ll bang on about the astrology book to consult during this transit.

 

Venus’ retrograde motion takes place between 16 May and 28 June this year, moving from 23 degrees Gemini back to 7 degrees Gemini. Its movement within the parameters of the third sign of the zodiac is significant in that it asks us to re-evaluate our deepest values on an intellectual level. Our minds are likely to be overactive during this transit, generating curiosity about relationships. As Venus moves towards the Sun, overlapping on 6 June, we learn to relinquish outmoded values of love and sex. I tend to review previous relationships under Venus retrograde in my sentimental Cancerian way.

 

Roaming around in the past is something I do regularly, and this Venus cycle intensifies my past-fixation further by urging me to revisit past soul mates spiritually. Sextrology: the Astrology of Sex and the Sexes (2007) is the compendium to pocket during this phase of looking back before moving forward.

 

Written by New York based astrological consultants, Stella Starsky and Quinn Cox, Sextrology is one of those rare astrology books that deal with the delicate subject of human astrology and sex in an intelligent, entertaining, and slightly titillating fashion. The authors describe it as a zodiac mandala of human sexuality. It sure is.

 

So what makes Sextrology special? Most astrology books lump males and females together when men and women of the same Sun sign are energetically different. Sextrology factors in the divide between the sexes and fully explores the sexual distinctions between them. Each astrological character’s chapter is divided into three sections: psychological profile; physical attributes; and sexual attitudes and behaviour. The authors combine the knowledge of classical archetypes with Jungian psychology, the Ancient Wisdoms, pop culture, and splashes of porn. It’s an eclectic Gemini-flavoured education.

 

As an astrologer and creator of an astrology zine – Astrobabble: the Zine for Astrology Nerds - I rarely draw upon material written by contemporary astrologers. For some reason, I don’t warm to the musings of the New Guard in the way I do towards the words of legendary teachers such as Alan Oken, Liz Greene, and Howard Sasportas. Starsky and Cox, however, are different. Apprentices of astrology will agree that the majority of subject material lining the bookshelves of bookstores (virtual and actual) are inferior and cringe-worthy, an ode to the dumbing-down of the Language of the Stars. So it was a revelation to stumble upon Sextrology and find that it examines the under explored terrain of human sexuality with a depth, knowledge, and voice lacking in modern esoteric writing.

 

Sextrology was first published during the Venus occultation of 2004. The book has re-entered my consciousness during the current Venus transit as the go-to relationship guide, should I get all wobbly with existential angst about that sort of thing.

 

Starsky and Cox website: www.starskyandcox.com

 

Astro Shite for May 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
The Full Moon in Scorpio on 6 May has you probing the subconscious, where life is murky-yucky-scary. You are out of your depth in this house, preferring the security of cage fighting or nude skydiving. Mercury moves into your money sector mid-May. You bore the peeps with talk of get-rich-quick schemes. Fortunately, the winged messenger flies into your communication house on 25 May where he feels at home talking prattle. The New Moon eclipse after the MCA Zine Fair on 21 May brings you success in the zine world. Every New Moon represents the potential for the birth of something new; it’s about time you re-discovered the joy of DIY.
Aries thespian: John Gielgud

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Taurus, you’ll be glad to know that this month is about review rather than initiation. Venus turns retrograde from 14 May in your financial sector, forcing you to slow down and observe how skint and desperate you are. Looking back at major events in May/June 2004 gives clues to how you became a loser and a disgrace to the human race. Experience delays in Centrelink and zine distro payments. Just when you thought you could burrow into that groaning tub of Baskin Robbins, the Full Moon in your relationship sector on 6 May sends you an intense and confronting super-sexy peep who will force you to face your hidden motives and desires. Don’t you just hate that?
Taurus thespian: Al Pacino

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Venus retrogrades in your sign between 14 May and 26 June, retracing cosmic ground she covered in May/June 2004. What have you learned since then? Nothing. How have you grown? Flabby. This month, get introspective and prepare for the next eight-year love cycle by enduring a back, sack, and crack wax. The New Moon eclipse in your sign on 21 May triggers the birth of a DIY project with heart. The appearance of Mercury in Gemini on 25 May consolidates its success. Jupiter gets in on the act, allowing for the expansion of ideas and opportunities to go further than your tiny mind can handle.
Gemini thespian: Ian McKellen

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Venus moves backwards in your spirituality zone from 14 May, keeping you housebound in Lowes boxer shorts and a threadbare Black Sabbath t-shirt. Your physical energy is low, your speech is slurred, and your eyeliner is smeared. You are mistaken for Ozzy Osbourne on day release. Your focus shifts inwards as you revisit esoteric rituals from May/June 2004 that involved playing death metal records backwards. Spooky. Mercury’s influence at the end of the month has you craving knowledge about the ways in which you can express yourself spiritually without listening to crappy music. Mastering the mind is the key to developing your understanding of mysticism.
Cancer thespian: Meryl Streep

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Adventure is the key to success this month, Leo. Your self-confidence soars after 14 May when the Sun and Jupiter join, helping you gain momentum in the professional arena. The peeps love your grandiloquent style as you expand beyond your comfort zone and make a total tool of yourself. God knows how you will handle the Venus retrograde transit through your party sector. This will be a quiet time socially, so put away your star-spangled g-string and reassess your friendships. Fortunately, the New Moon eclipse invigorates your social life from 21 May, so you’ll be twirling those titty tassels in no time.
Leo thespian: Helen Mirren

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Venus’ retrograde motion shows a link between work-life balance themes from May/June 2004 with mid-2012. Use this period to review career experiences from the previous eight years. Have you fulfilled your professional goals or has it been a decade of ‘same shit different day’? What changes can you implement to achieve world domination over the next eight years? You ponder these questions while waiting in the Centrelink queue, listening to One Direction on your iWank. The War Against The Poor continues when the New Moon eclipse on 21 May brings you a work-for-the-dole project that gets Nick Minchin sniggering and snorting like the smug Fascist pig that he is.
Virgo thespian: Jeremy Irons

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Libra, this month is about being a well dressed traveller. There’s nothing accidental about this tourist, darling. The Venus retrograde slows down your trek through the Sistema Penibetico mountain range, so that your almond coloured Chinos remain fresh and crumple-free. The Universe is so thoughtful. You revisit favourite peeps and places and savour the experience without documenting it on Facebook or Flickr. The New Moon eclipse on 21 May coupled with Mercury’s entry into your travel sector brings you high adventure with the shepherd in the Sherpa jacket you see grazing beyond the camping grounds of the Pico de Aneto. Stuff Chino freshness.
Libra thespian: Catherine Deneuve

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
A solar eclipse in your eighth house on 21 May heralds the start of a new financial cycle. This will make many Scorpions happy as money is up there with sex, vengeance, and perspiration. Mercury stimulates your curiosity about fiscal information that even humdrum tax accountants look sexually enticing without your beer goggles. This transit connects you with the right peeps to help overhaul your dire debt position. The intense Full Moon in your sign on 6 May encourages you to probe the surface of life and wade through the sewer that is your subconscious. You just wouldn’t be Scorpio without regular confrontations of absolute truths.
Scorpio thespian: Katherine Hepburn

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Sagittarius, sometimes love means having to say you’re sorry. Venus’ extended visit in your relationship sector coincides with one of her rare retrograde cycles between 14 May and 26 June. Expect misunderstandings with your partner to occur. They finally realise that you’re a useless fat turkey who needs stuffing. A New Moon eclipse on 21 May heralds a new cycle where love themes from May/June 2004 resurface. Now is the time to make peace with your past and move forward with your romantic future by destroying those Polaroids of a nude you covered in fairy floss and ostrich feathers. The barriers that have been blocking your amorous progress will lift.
Sagittarius thespian: Judi Dench

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Capricorn, you won’t be feeling the love at work this month when Venus retrogrades in your house of routine between 14 May and 26 June. Before flinging your Filofax Organiser out the window, wait! The New Moon eclipse on 21 May brings a long awaited professional breakthrough. The alignment with Jupiter shows you career possibilities beyond the bored room. Mercury accelerates your chances for stimulating work at the end of the month when you are blessed with the gift of the gab and swindle your way into the corporate world with jargon such as ‘open the kimono’, ‘sweat the assets’, and ‘bottom out’. Sounds kinda saucy, doesn’t it?
Capricorn thespian: Anthony Hopkins

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
You will be adopting a playful, child-like approach to life this month, Aquarius. This meshes well with your puerile personality and intolerable behaviour. The New Moon on 21 May triggers the start of a new cycle in self-expression where you reconnect with forgotten creative passions. Mercury trines your Sun from 25 May and you will be zine-ing from the right side of the brain with ease. Expect primitive crayon drawings with gold stars and coloured pipe cleaners to emerge from this fertile period.
Aquarius thespian: Vanessa Redgrave

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
The Full Moon in Scorpio on 6 May has you probing the deep questions of life whereby you seek the advice of sages with names like Deepak, Tupak, and Multipak. Mercury gives you plenty of ideas of how to spend your dosh in the first week of May, but is rebuked by lesson master Saturn who constantly reminds you of commitments to debt, taxes, HECS, Newstart, and other boring left brain stuff. Venus retrogrades through your domestic sector from 14 May, politely asking you to change the bed sheets and air the bedroom; chores that you haven’t tackled since the May/June 2004 planetary cycle. Yuk!
Pisces thespian: Michael Caine

Astro Shite for April 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Neptune leaves your spirituality sector after 16 April. You emerge from the Underground like the proverbial Lazarus renewed, revitalised, rejuvenated, and other words beginning with ‘r’ that mean more or less the same thing. A new wave of Jupiter energy brings a positive outlook on financial matters that will last until early June. This is an ideal period for starting new initiatives to generate income, so launch that zine distro mecca that currently exists only in your mind and live the dream, baby.
Aries ruling planet: Mars

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
This month begins a phase of self-understanding that will end in early June. You will need the time to work out who the hell you are and what the hell you’re doing with your life. Expect to find answers to these perplexing questions after 14 April when Mars moves forward in your house of self-expression. The perpetual phase of debauchery that you have been enjoying since the beginning of the year will intensify after the New Moon on 21 April. Reconnect with your physical needs and with the natural world, preferably somewhere within the vicinity of award winning vineyards and upmarket gourmet cafes.
Taurus ruling planet: Venus

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Mercury’s second visit to your social sector from 17 April creates opportunities to untangle a friendship quandary by untangling their tangled tufts with a tangle-free comb. Cleo magazine recommends using the three hundred and sixty degree rotating toothcomb. Venus enters your sign on 3 April compelling you to experience double the self-lovin’ which sounds like a cheeseburger Elvis may have eaten. Delays with home renovations continue until 14 April when Mars finally decides to move forward in your domestic zone. Even Kevin McCloud is powerless to help you sandblast the kitchen wall before then.
Gemini ruling planet: Mercury

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Venus enters your spirituality zone on 3 April. You plunge into Neptunian territory of energy and intuition, giving your right brain a vigorous work out. You fall in love with a herbalist who hasn’t had a bath, let alone a job, since the Salem witch trials. At least your blood and liver are purified, thanks to that magic weed you’re now smoking. Mercury revisits your career sector from 17 April. Networking, brainstorming, and bullshitting stimulate professional growth. You will get a second chance to dig your claws into work opportunities you missed because of your addiction to that magic weed. Uranus and Mercury join on 23 April. Put on your dry-clean-only Prada business pants and get sucked into the unethical abyss while yelling ‘Margin Call’. What a month!
Cancer ruling planet: Moon

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Your curiosity about a destination invented by Leprechauns has you exploring Timbuktu when Mercury visits your travel zone from 16 April. You discover the hard way that it’s nowhere near Ireland. Venus transits your social sector from 3 April until early August. This is one of your most popular periods this year. You will be living the celebrity dream of red carpet premiers while stunt dressing and comparing Frankenstein plastic surgery horror stories with other birdbrains. Mars moves forward in your house of finance after 14 April. This is an ideal time to implement new fiscal strategies by planting money seeds in your garden.
Leo ruling planet: Sun

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Venus triggers your career sector from 3 April. You swoon over the hot office peep helping you replace the toner in the C3100 copier. You get all giddy when you find love letters printed on baby pink 80gsm Reflex paper amongst your photocopied documents. The relationship progresses from the printing department to the staff cafeteria after 14 April when Mars finishes his retrograde cycle in your sign. Avoid Chiko Rolls and battered savs if you want to remain the nine to five spunk magnet.
Virgo ruling planet: Mercury

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Your energy levels increase after 14 April when Mars moves forward in your spirituality sector. Your psychic powers may improve but you’re still a superficial git. Venus takes an extended holiday in your travel zone from 3 April and is apprehensive to come home. Fortunately, Mercury visits your relationship house from 17 April. You get romantically involved with twins who enjoy playing mind games to John Lennon’s Mind Games, and the occasional bout of Boggle, Scrabble, and other nerdy board games requiring a sophisticated vocabulary and an insufferable attitude.
Libra ruling planet: Venus

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Establish new social routines from 14 April when Mars finishes his retrograde motion in your friendship sector. You accomplish your dream of running with the cool kids in the second half of the month when the Universe permits you to focus on your most inspiring and stylish friends. Rest assured that there wouldn’t be a dag within a twenty-kilometre radius of you and your chic clique.
Scorpio ruling planet: Pluto

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)

The good news for Sagittarians is that Venus will occupy your love sector from 3 April until early August. Expect to enjoy a variety of romantic experiences involving cultivated and intellectual foreigners. Mercury triggers Uranus in your fifth house of creativity for the third time this year on 23 April. Give yourself permission to be spontaneous and experimental with your DIY output. Like the plot to a David Lynch film starring Crispin Glover on No-Doz, there is no logic to your creative methodologies, but that doesn’t stop your zine becoming a hit with the disciples who worship at The Sticky Institute.
Sagittarius ruling planet: Jupiter

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Mercury aligns with Uranus on 23 April in your domestic sector. You become addicted to that long-running family soap sham The Storm Rages Twice. Mars moves forward in your house of higher learning after 14 April. You crave understanding as to why life is unfolding the way it is. Your belief in t-shirt slogans such as ‘bean counters do it better’ and ‘a farce to be reckoned with’ no longer work for you. Expect an overhaul of your personal philosophy this month, so choose to follow beliefs that come from the heart or the gut rather than from some crass marketing company trying to sell you an iPhone application.
Capricorn ruling planet: Saturn

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
This month you unleash your inner-alien when Mercury aligns with Uranus on 23 April in your communication zone. Your unconventional thought processes excel under this transit, scaring a few Earthlings away. Assertive Mars moves forward in your cash sector on 15 April after a setback earlier in the month. Venus helps you open your heart and transfer it onto zine format from 3 April. You fall in love with the various printing options available to you: offset-lithographic proofing press with style, stencil printing with emotion, screen-printing with attitude, nine spot colour printing with gusto …
Aquarius ruling planet: Uranus

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Mars moves forward in your relationship sector from 15 April bringing firecrackers, throw-downs, and other illegal explosives into your love life. Wow! Mercury and Uranus align in your financial zone on 23 April so expect the green to appear miraculously. Off the planet ideas that emerged while Mercury danced in and out of your sign will take concrete form in the form of concrete after 16 April. By end of the month you’ll have produced a prolific body of work of what inspires you. Fortunately for the zine world, that excludes naive drawings of birds, cats, teapots, and cupcakes.
Pisces ruling planet: Neptune
 

Astro Shite for March 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
The New Moon in your sign on 23 March marks the astrological New Year, making this an important time for you to set goals for the next twelve months. Its alignment with radical Uranus brings opportunities for freedom; something that the solo-flying Ram welcomes. Mind your language around the easily offended when Mercury retrogrades in your sign from 11 March. You will be telling peeps Exactly How It Is. Venus and Jupiter align on 14 March releasing positive money energy. You will have Hey Big Spender by Shirley Bassey on rotation for most of the month.
Aries turn-ons: blondes, tans, athletes

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Taureans will feel the love this month when Venus enters your sign on 6 March, enhancing your powers of attraction and ramping up your sex appeal. Venus enjoys pleasure, and its placement in Taurus exacerbates the need to indulge in all things beautiful. Jupiter and Venus join mid-March to heighten an already hedonist phase. Others look on in envy as you savour the gifts from the Universe. Lucky sod.
Taurus turn-ons: solid builds, dark features, older lovers

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
The saying ‘let go, let God’ will have meaning this month when the South Node energises your sign from 4 March. Daggy and dated Hermes baggage from your past will emerge. Learn to release negative habits that keep you stuck, like purchasing over-priced travel luggage. Venus joins Jupiter in your spiritual sector from 5 March. Body therapy, such as deep tissue massage, keeps you centred, but only because it’s physical torture disguised as healing.
Gemini turn-ons: redheads, mind games, intelligence

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Your working life will have that Dinosaur Jr slow/fast thing happening when Mercury visits your career sector between 10 and 23 March and does the backward shuffle. Be patient with career goals. The mountain will come to you. Mercury aligns with Uranus on 6 and 18 March, and only then will you have insights into your true vocation. Venus joins Jupiter in your social sector from 5 March. A generous gesture towards a friend cements your reputation as the Caring Cancerian, but only for this month.
Cancer turn-ons: breasts, spooning, nuzzling

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
This month, unleash your inner James Dean with some help from the Sun and Uranus. You become fed up with routine and photocopy your bum on the C3100 copier out of frustration. Fortunately, Mercury arouses your interest about the world between 3 and 23 March. This is an ideal time to make travel arrangements to explore destinations free of office equipment.
Leo turn-ons: silk sheets, lingerie, exhibitionism

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Brainy Virgos will stretch their minds when Venus joins Jupiter from 5 March, aligning on 14 March in the ninth house of higher learning. If you’re frustrated by the dumbing-down of … well … everything, now is an ideal time to explore academic possibilities. Learning for learning’s sake: quite a radical concept in the new millennium, don’t you think?
Virgo turn-ons: clean bed linen, cotton undies, massages

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Jupiter aligns with Pluto between 11 and 16 March, highlighting the connection between finances and your living situation. Now is the time to upgrade from couch surfing and drinking VB to living in style in the granny flat at the back of your folk’s place. The New Moon in your love sector on 23 March triggers a New Romantics cycle, where you don pirate pants and dramatic eye make-up to impress your lover. They have you detained for insanity.
Libra turn-ons: conventional beauty, romance novels, artists

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Love goddess Venus joins Jupiter in your relationship sector from 5 March enhancing your animal appeal. Watch out world! Scorpio on heat sure ain’t pretty. This combination of Venus and Jupiter in your seventh house occurs once every twelve years, making March a great time for getting laid. Your powers of attraction are at their sharpest on 14 March. Avoid uptight Virgos and stray sheep at this time.
Scorpio turn-ons: body hair, s + m, porn

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
The period 11 to 16 March is a great time for Sagittarians to trim the fat, both physically and metaphorically. Jupiter and Pluto help ground you frolicsome Centaurs by focusing on boring responsibilities such as work and wellbeing. Before your eyes glaze over and you fall into a deep coma, remember that overhauling your daily rituals improves the big picture of your lives.
Sagittarius turn-ons: foreigners, public sex, polygamy

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Capricorn, this month you will learn to live in the moment with the help of Jupiter and Pluto, especially between 11 and 16 March. Finally, you release those stodgy beliefs about ambition and re-connect with your creativity. Mercury aligns with Uranus on 6 and 18 March, and you reconsider your current living arrangements. You have romantic notions of living up a tree or in a cave like a Neanderthal. You build a legend around your lifestyle to rival The Yeti and Bigfoot.
Capricorn turn-ons: age differences, suits, discipline

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
March 6 and 8 are key dates for outside-the-square Aquarian mental breakthroughs. Deceptive Mercury takes a backward step with your money after 23 March. Avoid geezers with gold dentures and dubious Cockney accents selling hot items off the back of trucks. Keep your money in your pocket. This is the month to take second chances on missed opportunities in late 2011, but the Universe does its best Ray Winstone accent, and warns you not to stuff it up this time, mate.
Aquarius turn-ons: kink, tattoos & piercings, activists

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Important planetary oppositions highlight your love sector this month. You focus on give and take in your relationships between 4 and 8 March. Pisceans are archetypal martyrs, so let your partner reciprocate for a change. Mercury gives you ideas on how to be creative with your money. Uranus joins him on 6 and 18 March for serious fiscal risk-taking. Read the fine print, or your dough will resemble that crappy Elvis Presley film Easy Come, Easy Go.
Pisces turn-ons: feet, narcotics, sensitivity