Astro Shite for March 2013

Aries
The spirit of rebellion peaks between 22 and 24 March, thanks to the Mars-Uranus link. A 'f**k-you-I'll-work-when-I'm-dead' attitude liberates you from the Orwellian social engineering championed by bureaucratic zombies and Labor Party drones. Channel your inner-warrior and fight for your right to party. You win a few fans under the Venus-Mars transit, but then who can resist a protesting ram in a feathered war bonnet?
Aries sports personality: Maria Sharapova (tennis)

Taurus

Separating yourself from restrictive individuals or situations between 28 and 29 March helps you reconnect with your individuality. Dare to be yourself for a change, and grow those Lemmy-style sideburns you’ve always wanted. Mercury ensures that you make new connections on Facebook, as your curiosity about certain imaginary peeps with super-cool profile pics gets the better of you. You stop making sense until 16 March. Be patient and wait for Mercury to move forward mid-month before you open your trap and make a dick of yourself.

Taurus sports personality: Dennis Rodman (basketball)

Gemini

Your productivity will be less than zero under Mercury’s retrograde motion until 16 March. Avoid zine-making and other forms of DIY until the middle of the month, when you’ll be in a better place mentally and cosmically to forge ahead with your disturbing but groundbreaking ideas. Others look to you for direction during the Mars-Uranus transit on 12 March. You lead the way in zine community-related activities involving a port-a-loo or a falafel stand or some such demountable.

Gemini sports personality: Anthony Mundine (boxing)

Cancer

Mars revs up your adventure sector until 12 March. Be brave and explore destinations where Western-style toilets are two kingdoms away. Mercury’s influence emphasises the learning process, so get use to wiping your butt with your left hand. A crisis of meaning has you questioning your empty but ridiculously hip lifestyle. You review your belief system around 16 March, after your current guru has touched you inappropriately with his left hand.

Cancer sports personality: Zinedine Zidane (soccer)

Leo

You’ll need large doses of freedom to release you from the deadening routine of your office job between 28 and 30 March. Paperwork, paperclips, and your Microsoft Outlook inbox can go to hell, as you free that noose from your neck and leap into the lap of thrills ‘n’ spills. Buck convention buck naked. Try to avoid caving into pressure on 22 March by stripping at a bus stop or outside a church. A trine to your Sun from Venus and Mars makes you ultra-popular this month, thanks to your various nude performances around town.

Leo sports personality: Roger Federer (tennis)

Virgo

The New Moon on 12 March signals the beginning of a significant relationship. With a Stellium of six planets in the dreamy and spiritual sign of Pisces, your romantic zone will demand most of your attention and energy this month. Focus on feelings. Is your partner meeting your emotional needs, or are they just an accessory you wear on your arm like a henna tattoo? Mars demands that you take charge of your love life. Your ruling planet, Mercury, retrogrades until 16 March. Second chances with someone finer than your current crush are ideal now.

Virgo sports personality: Lance Armstrong (cycling)

Libra

The Full Moon in your sign on 27 March highlights the Importance of Being Reasonable. Apart from looking sensational, Libra prioritises justice and harmony, and asks that we give peace a chance. The Venus-Uranus link between 28 and 29 March signals a temporary break from significant relationships. Expect a turning point in romantic direction around 12 March. You’ll be demanding authenticity in your love life with plenty of spice thrown in.

Libra sports personality: Ian Thorpe (swimming)

Scorpio

March is the beginning of a new creative cycle for Scorpio. Mercury retrogrades in your arty sphere until 16 March, so review your dodgy DIY output then. You get in touch with a more deeply creative and expressive part of yourself mid month. This period produces a zine titled Getting in Touch with a More Deeply Creative and Expressive Part of Myself, which, as zine titles go, is up there with I’m Sorry I Sold Your Stuff on eBay. Kind of. Kind of.

Scorpio sports personality: Mitchell Johnson (cricket)

Sagittarius

Johnny Depp once said that he tries to stay in a constant state of confusion because of the expression it leaves on his face. Sagittarius, you will be adopting this philosophy until 16 March for reasons which are too confusing to explain. DIY planet, Mars, enters your domestic sector until 12 March, so spend time zine-making in the comfort of your cardboard container. Be mindful of the Mercury retrograde motion during the first two weeks; you’ll be stop-starting projects. Expect a creative shift mid month, but don’t over think the process like a Cancerian - just do it like a Sagittarian.

Sagittarius sports personality: Ricky Ponting (cricket)

Capricorn

Mars and the Sun align with Uranus between 22 to 24 March, and then on 28 to 30 March in your home environment. These are peak periods where others see your domestic choices as unorthodox, especially your attempt to cook a lamb roast in the dishwasher. A cluster of planets in your communication house on 12 March has you mumbling like Beaker from The Muppets, which is an improvement in self expression.

Capricorn sports personality: Tiger Woods (golf)

Aquarius

Mars makes his once-every-two-year visit through your wealth sector until 12 March. This transit helps you master new income options like growing indoor hydroponics, and mastering Spanish 21. The actions you take now help establish a two-year financial improvement plan. This transit comes with a cautionary period that expires on 16 March. Avoid your usual practise of stuffing packets of Maggi Noddles down your trousers when shoplifting at Franklins.

Aquarius sports personality: Kathy Freeman (sprinting)

Pisces

It will be a super-charged New Moon in Pisces on 12 March. The Sun and Moon, Neptune, Mercury, Venus, and Mars occupy your first house of self-image. Cut out the iced finger buns for an instant slim down. Mercury aligns with Pluto, suggesting that the truth be uncovered as to how cloying a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is, and do calories count if the damn thing sticks to the roof of your mouth? Mars boosts courage until 12 March. Be strong and eliminate horse meat from your diet. Mars and Uranus align in your money sector between 22 and 24 March. There’ll be a breakthrough concerning money that requires a break and enter job.

Pisces sports personality: Lleyton Hewitt (tennis)

Astro Shite - 2013 Overview

Aries

2013 is the ‘go for it’ year. Your ruling planet Mars charges full steam ahead with a head full of steam. Physical energy peaks under the Mars-Uranus combo, especially during March and April. Career transformations are likely, but don’t sacrifice personal freedom for power. Consider the desperate-for-attention knobs like Delta Goodrem and Seal who clog the cameras on The Voice; it’s only fame that makes them beautiful. Uranus demands that you forge a path for yourself without surrendering to all things McShit.

Aries heavy metal: Iron

Taurus

In true Taurean form, progress will be slow but steady this year. You start 2013 by releasing the past and renewing your enthusiasm for professional plans. Begin new projects like experimenting with that bad-ass fine hair colour that washes out in ten shampoos and stains your pillow. Bitchin. The May Solar eclipse in your sign is an ideal time to re-organise your physical space. De-clutter to shift energy, and see what the Universe lets in … I’ll leave it at that.

Taurus heavy metal: Copper

Gemini

Jupiter continues the good times by flirting madly in your sign until 26 June. Cut the cheesy pick-up lines; the Gods want you to maximise the opportunities they allotted you in mid-2012. Mars arouses your passion for living life fully like Gemini Russell Brand, or some twit like that. Taking risks during May and June will pay-off. Networking and effective communication skills are your tools for achieving success and popularity in 2013. Revise long term career goals, and overhaul your budget and hygiene habits for an all-round victory.

Gemini heavy metal: Silver

Cancer

A twelve-year cycle of growth and opportunity begins on 26 June, when Jupiter enters you sign and stays put until mid-2014. Cultivate big-picture dreams under this transit. August’s Jupiter-Uranus link stimulates your professional sector. Confidence deepens the more you use Colgate’s plaque-removing toothpaste before job interviews. By the end of the year, the doors of perception will be cleansed with Windex and you’ll see things as they truly are: mediocre. Stay focused on long-term visions without the aid of Nurofen or magic mushrooms.

Cancer heavy metal: Silver

Leo

Progress will be powerful this year, thanks to Mars’ return to your sign after a two-year hiatus. Your drive peaks between August and October, making 2013 the year to hit the gym and work on developing your physical, psychological, and emotional strengths. You end up looking like Anthony Mundine, but nobody has the guts to say that to your face. Saturn forces you to reflect on the period between 2005 and 2007. Review the triumphs and failures of that particular phase, and re-establish your goals. Life direction dreams will be vivid during the May Solar eclipse, after consuming a toasted cheese sandwich or two.

Leo heavy metal: Gold

Virgo

2013 is the year of Mastery, where language, self-expression, and wisdom are key themes. Saturn encourages you to write, teach, study, or do all three while maintaining the Sirsasana position. Career growth is likely through the first six months, while friendships and community connections dominate your time from July onwards. There’ll be a shift in energy mid-year when your ruling planet, Mercury, peaks in May-June and August-September. These are the periods when you make a lasting impression in the public realm, so wax and polish those pins before you attempt an Iyengar-inspired headstand.

Virgo heavy metal: Silver

Libra

Mars helps you reconnect with the world after your gruelling stint under Saturn’s two-year transit. You have spent this time discovering your truth, now the Universe asks that you share it with others. Your professional life takes centre stage as Jupiter, Mars, and Mercury fuel you career zone in the second half of 2013. Extend yourself professionally, but not before you extend yourself personally with one of those gadgets advertised on spam email.

Libra heavy metal: Copper

Scorpio

2013 will be an intense year of self-development, thanks to Saturn lurching in your sign like Lurch from the Addams Family. Establish a solid foundation for yourself by pouring concrete around your feet. The Sun and Mars invigorate your career house mid-year. Look for new professional challenges that suit your creepy and anti-social nature. Drive to succeed, but take the bus to work. Early November sees you reaching a turning point involving your past and your future. Throw salt over your shoulder and don’t look back.

Scorpio heavy metal: Iron

Sagittarius

This year, lift the lid on that Pandora’s Box of mysteries by delving into esoteric subjects like spiritualism, mysticism, lesbianism, and gigantism. Jupiter and Saturn stimulate your eighth and second houses mid-year. This will generate a change in atmosphere and hair styles. Try to avoid wardrobe malfunctions then. Don’t be afraid of the tumult swirling around you in 2013; it is only introspective energy embedding itself in your consciousness. New experiences come easily after September for reasons for which I couldn’t be arsed to research.

Sagittarius heavy metal: Tin

Capricorn

Jupiter continues to drive your sixth house activities until 26 June. Routine will dominate your life until then. Prioritise time to practise your lunges, eat your greens, and floss your teeth. Learn to unwind mentally by mastering the disciplines of yoga, meditation, and Xbox. Venus assists with revamping your personal style by binning those MC Hammer pants you bought at that Kyogle garage sale in 1993.

Capricorn heavy metal: Lead

Aquarius

This is the year to restructure your career and life direction. Mars lights your fire and your relationship zone for the first time in two years, while Saturn asks that you reassess professional goals. Links from Jupiter and Neptune to Saturn make July a turning point; the glass ceiling shatters and you are free to climb the career ladder. Avoid watching Hitchcock’s classic film, Vertigo, at this time. Consider where you would like to be in the next seven years and structure your life accordingly.

Aquarius heavy metal: Lead 

Pisces

You’ll experience 2013 through a soft focus lens, thanks to Neptune smearing your sign with gas, oil, and other slimy liquids. Connect with divine guidance through the methods of chanting, toning, and one-hand clapping. The grand water trine mid-year is when you realise your creative talents, but you may need a cosmic kick in the butt to activate them. The May eclipse brings clarity to your professional path by blowing away the leaves with one of those over sized hair dryers that Costa Georgiadis likes to use in his garden and on his hair.

Pisces heavy metal: Tin

It's the End of the World as We Know It ...

The end of the Mayan Long Count, also known as the 2012 Phenomenon, is synonymous with imminent doom destined to occur on 21 December this year. But before you disappear into your apocalyptic-proof bunker with your stash of non-perishables, I am here to tell you that it isn’t the end of the world. Not yet, anyway.

It’s unlikely that ancient Mayan annals contain apocalyptic predictions. These prophecies are modern fabrications usually generated by the media to create fear and hysteria. The 2012 Phenomenon draws more from the New Age movement and a fascination with esoteric teachings than it does from ancient Mayan culture. The idea that the Mayan Long Count ‘ends’ on 21 December 2012 with disastrous consequences for the world misrepresents Mayan civilisation.

One of the earliest records concerning the calendar’s connection to cataclysmic events involves Christopher Columbus’ voyage in 1502 to the Americas. End-of-the-world predictions were widespread amongst Europeans during the early years of the Spanish conquest of the Inca Empire, and Columbus believed that his discovery of ‘most distant lands’ was prophesied and would bring about the Apocalypse.

By contrast, the people of ancient Maya were concerned with developing a sophisticated civilisation in the Yucatan and Guatemala, not predicting events for a future world they would not live to see. The Mayans reached their highest state of development during the Classic period (c. 250 to 900 AD) where they established a method of timekeeping called the Long Count, a system more complex than our Western calendar system. The Mayan calendar describes the number of cycles through which Humanity must pass in order to reach certain stages of evolutionary consciousness. The exact timing of the beginning date of the Long Count falls on a day the Sun was on the zenith point, which corresponds to 11 August 3114 BC in the Gregorian calendar. Archaeologists believe that the final date - 21 December 2012 - is based on this solar zenith day.

 

The end of the Mayan Long Count appears to be astrologically significant because it falls on a Solstice. However, its astrological value lies in its connection to the Uranus-Pluto transit of March 2011, an event which triggered a series of global disruptions such as the uprisings across North Africa and the Middle East, Occupy Wall Street protest movements in the West, the collapse of the Eurozone, and panic over ecological issues such as scarcity of food, water, and oil. Here we have erratic individualism (Uranus in Aries) clashing with the status quo (Pluto in Capricorn). Our individual rights and freedoms, as well as the wellbeing of the planet, are at odds with retaining and protecting capitalist power. This turbulent period in the world’s history will end in 2015, but not before our personal and collective ethics go through the wringer. Expect to see the institutions of mass capitalism weaken as people power gains momentum over the next three years.
 

This ties in beautifully with the end of the Mayan Long Count where the current cycle finishes with the destruction of outmoded ways of living, and begins with a new cycle called the Fifth World. We can mark the date 21 December 2012 as the beginning of spiritual maturation; the result of a disconnected and dissatisfied society that struggles to find meaningful answers to life’s big questions:

 

Who am I? What is my purpose? What is the meaning of life?
 

So how does the 2012 Phenomenon affect the Inner West? What happens this year totally depends on what Inner Westies decide to make of it. It can be a blessing or a curse, depending on our perspective and the actions we take. We can stand still, shrug our shoulders and sigh ‘that’s the way it is’, or we can feel empowered and supported by the Universal forces at work.
 

I see movements such as Reclaim the Lanes and Reclaim the Streets revitalised and gaining power through repossession of poorly utilised urban spaces in the name of community spirit, creativity, and fun. Support for small businesses and legendary landmarks such as the Annandale Hotel will increase, as locals grasp the importance of preserving these unique gems. There will be a swing away from affluent sectors of the community waging and winning campaigns against desperately needed affordable housing, public transport, and other services. The tables will turn on those lobbying against the creative class, the poor and disabled, multiculturalism, and egalitarianism, ensuring that diversity will always have a home in the Inner West.
 

All Inner Westies will benefit from Mayan wisdom by integrating their modern lifestyle with a rich spiritual life and a genuine sense of community. After 21 December, older residents in particular will yearn for the traditional values of former working class suburbs like Balmain, Rozelle, and Marrickville. Balmain natives are frustrated by the popular view that the coolest activity their historic neighbourhood has to offer is standing in the queue outside Zumbo’s cake shop! Locals will feel homesick for a time when pubs acted as major social centres that glued the community together, and not the over-priced wine bars and bistros they are now. It will become clear that middle class values perpetuated by the upwardly mobile fail in a working class community enriched by people who choose not to succumb to the live-to-work ethic that prevails in Sydney.

Far from being an overblown catastrophe over nothing, the 2012 Phenomenon can be a time of positive transformation for the Inner West. The various grassroots movements that are emerging globally to fight corporate and government control are sprouting on a micro level in our backyard in a quest to reclaim the community that so many of us love. The Gods of Change are on our side.
 

Originally published in C!ao magazine, issue #190, 22 June 2012. With thanks and respect.

Astro Shite Christmas 2012 Special

     Aries (21 March to 20 April)

Mercury and Venus enter your ninth house of travel in mid December. Forget about stuffing the turkey or kissing your sweaty uncle under the mistletoe, this year the Gods want you to retreat from the stress and tedium of your usual surroundings to an environment that’s teeming with annoying families and grumpy retirees. Links from Mercury to Uranus mean packing an i-Book full of puzzles and brain games for those empty moments in your hotel room when you can’t afford to drink the contents of the bar fridge.

Aries yuletide pressies: crampons, pocket stunt kite, Swiss army knife

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)

Saturn’s visit to your love zone continues this month. You get wise about certain relationships that have run their course, while taking necessary steps to develop and deepen those that nourish you. Naturally, this is all based on the quality of gifts you receive on 25 December. Pay particular attention to the funkiness of the Christmas cards and the wrapping paper’s hip factor – all critical stuff to the cultivated Bull.

Taurus yuletide pressies: Pinot Noir, handmade chocolates, quality fabrics

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)

With the New Moon, Mercury, and Venus occupying your house of relationships on 13 December, set aside a few minutes each day in mid December to focus on your romantic wishes, and then ask Santa to put them in your Christmas stockings while you’re wearing them. This is a far more successful method of meeting potential lovers than stalking online dating sites crammed with lonely losers who are ten kilos heavier and fifteen years older than their mug shots indicate.

Gemini yuletide pressies: zines, digital chess board, Kindle

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)

The year ends as it began with the Full Moon in Cancer. The approaching Full Moon on 28 December is activated by Pluto, triggering a cycle of transformation that will carry you into the New Year. ‘Purge and purify’ is your New Year’s resolution, as you begin a detox program consisting of dandelion root, fennel, and raisins. You’ll suffer a severe case of the herbal squirts throughout the post-festive season but ‘better out than in’ which, apart from being Shrek’s catchphrase, is an archetypal Pluto obsession.

Cancer yuletide pressies: sterling silver jewellery, food hamper, cookbooks

Leo (21 July to 21 August)

Mars enters your relationship sector on 26 December. Your love life takes on operatic proportions, as close encounters with others are coloured by conflict, resolutions, and multiple wardrobe changes. You’ll be at your most intense under the Sun-Pluto link on 31 December, so pour into the body-shaping undergarments for that streamlined Dita Von Teese look. Wellbeing rituals need to be implemented after the office Christmas party where too many Bacardi Breezers mixed with cheese and prosciutto puffs race straight to your hips and thighs.

Leo yuletide pressies: Dom Perignon, Chanel No.5, skin care products

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)

Despite having completed the Christmas shopping in July, the New Moon in your domestic sector on 13 December has you running around for last minute festive clobber such as pancetta wrapped shoulder joints and petrified finger food. De-lish! To add to the horror known as Christmas Day, you’ll be planting an angel-dusted macaron tree in the backyard as part of some peculiar half-pagan/half-Zumbo ritual you saw in a documentary on Foxtel.

Virgo yuletide pressies: stationery, hospital-grade bed linen, woodworking tools

Libra (23 September to 23 October)

This has been a trying year for Libra, what with Saturn cramping your style and all that. Breathe easy; that tiresome stuff is behind you. Thank the planets for aligning during the Click Frenzy where you emerged from the other side alive and armed with bargains. Loved ones will be impressed by the quality and quantity of your giving this Christmas.
Libra yuletide pressies: Murano glass, shopping vouchers, postmodern art 

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November) 
The theme of ‘emergence’ continues through Christmas into the New Year, with Saturn and the North Node giving you grief even on public holidays. Remind yourself that it’s part of your metamorphous. Saturn aligns with Pluto on 26 December, helping transform the way you communicate. You’ll be firm with your word and expect others to be the same. Develop the power of persuasion on Boxing Day when everyone is too hung-over to argue.
Scorpio yuletide pressies: Crowley Thoth tarot deck, leather g-string, nipple clamps

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)

The message of the New Moon in your sign on 13 December is hope. Yep, that’s the kind of present you’ll be receiving this year, mate. You’ll experience a mental breakdown when Mercury aligns with Uranus and you fail to find parking at Aldi. Nevertheless, the Universe ups the x factor with a Venus transit and you enhance your appearance by growing a moustache despite the sorry end of Movember in November.

Sagittarius yuletide pressies: solar wind up radio, compass, collapsible shovel

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)

The Full Moon on 28 December shines the celestial spotlight on relationships. Pluto aligns with the Sun and opposes the Moon, urging you to swap poor habits with healthy ones once the festivities end. Set clear boundaries. Eliminate toxic peeps and fatty foods in the New Year as part of your cosmic colonic irrigation plan. Saturn stabilises the transformative effects of Pluto on Boxing Day by helping you connect with support groups like AA, NA, OA, OMG, LOL, and WTF.

Capricorn yuletide pressies: pipe, slippers, coffee grinder

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)

Mars enters Aquarius on 26 December. You are ready to leap into life like an emancipated elf after surviving Christmas day with the relo’s. Be prepared for summer celebrations like Bogans’ Day Out and Not Tonight Darling I’ve Got My Pyramid Rock Festival, where you’ll be in your element relishing the role of fest whore while moshing ‘n’ sploshing with the great unwashed.

Aquarius yuletide pressies: video games, sat nav, Brian Eno anthology

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)

Mars enters your spirituality sector this month. Under this transit you will look back at 2012 and reflect on what a total loser you’ve been. The tax office could catch up with you, so plan to enjoy a white Christmas in the Arctic Circle. You may experience insomnia thanks to the midnight sun, but try to enjoy an active dreaming life and allow your imagination to run free. You will determine which goals feel right to pursue in 2013 as a result. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

Pisces yuletide pressies: mood ring, aromatherapy oil, cotton wick candles

Astro Shite for November 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
You can achieve a lot professionally when Pluto and Mars merge on 17 November, propelling you to express your energy in a focused but overbearing manner. Like those crazy eurodance dudes Snap! you got the power and you ain’t afraid to use it. You spin the peeps right round on 28 November with your determination to win. Travel warnings come courtesy of the Mercury retrograde between 4 and 14 November and Channel Nine’s Tracy Grimshaw, who forewarns that any area outside Sydney’s North Shore is a war zone occupied by plebs with venereal warts.
Aries astrologer extraordinaire: Alan Oken (USA)
 
Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
The first in a series of relationship eclipses occurs on 14 November. Enhance your prospects for getting laid by mooning during the New Moon-North Node eclipse. Lovers will have a significant impact on your life direction, so avoid the paramours on the road to Humpybong. Venus and Saturn link on 27 November. Grow up and learn to make lasting relationship commitments. Mars aligns with Pluto on 28 November, making your travel dreams to Yorkeys Knob a reality.
Taurus astrologer extraordinaire: John Frawley (UK)

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
With Mars in your money sector from 17 November, you’re in a position to tackle arrears without the assistance of Debt Relief. Speaking of your rear, take charge of where you invest your cash on 28 November when Mars aligns with Pluto. The Full Moon eclipse in your sign on 29 November brings out your curious side. Satisfy the cravings of your mind by reading some quality zines to unravel the mystery of the Bogan Prince, although I hear that he’s more of a dick than a prince.
Gemini astrologer extraordinaire: Jim Lewis (USA/Australia)

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Mars joins Pluto in your love house from 17 November, arousing the unspoken desire to play Michael Buble downloads while cooking penne pasta with red wine for two. This transit makes you brave ‘n’ bold about honouring your physical needs and asking others to meet them. Your romantic life takes on maximum intensity like Hermes’ ice-cream manwich, fortifying your reputation as the zodiac’s Caramel Rough Nut between the sheets.
Cancer astrologer extraordinaire: Ed Tamplin (Australia)

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
New domestic arrangements come together on 14 November, when the vegan from Uki finally moves on, leaving his body odour in the second bedroom as a memento. Mercury moves backwards in your creativity sector between 4 and 14 November. Expect misunderstandings to arise regarding your fagcore-inspired Casio Learning Keyboard compositions. Be patient, as peeps will eventually ‘get’ your ‘art’ once Mercury moves forward later in the month.
Leo astrologer extraordinaire: Gregory Clare (Australia)

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
The Full Moon eclipse on 29 November triggers your aspirational careerist side, only to be interrupted by the Mars-Pluto transit in your creativity sector. Playtime comes first under this phase. Devastating news for a Virgo, I know, but the Gods will not allow you to be dreary this month. That’s Kevin Rudd’s gig. Concentrate on activities that involve joining the human race like tequila worm tasting or composting toilets, preferably at the same time.
Virgo astrologer extraordinaire: Liz Greene (UK/Switzerland)

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Mars and Pluto transit your domestic sector from 17 November. If you’ve outgrown your current home environment, the Universe provides you with new living arrangements without trawling through domain.com in your lunch hour. Under Mars, you take on the role of ‘The Boss’ in your household. The defining moment occurs on 28 November when your housemates protest and declare that the only ‘Boss’ they listen to is Bruce Springsteen.
Libra astrologer extraordinaire: Stephen Arroyo (USA)

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
The New Moon eclipse aligning with the Node Node hurls you into the future from 14 November. Expect the Universe to drop appropriate events, experiences, and people into your life to shift you forward. Mercury retrogrades through your money house between 4 and 14 November to cook the books with gas and oil, before moving into your sign. Venus joins the all-star line-up in Scorpio on 23 November, activating a formidable dynamism that provides cosmic turbo diesel like a Mitsubishi Pajero. It may all be in a day's work for the eighth sign of the zodiac, but really, how much can a Grizzly Bear?
Scorpio astrologer extraordinaire: Bil Tierney (USA)

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Mars and Pluto merge in your cash zone from 17 November, providing motivation to get on top of your money or someone with money. The phrase screwing them for all they’re worth takes on new meaning under this transit. The lunar eclipse energises your relationship sector on 29 November. This will be a time of soaring emotions and Kafkaesque-type drama, so be sure to capture it on YouTube. As the Full Moon aligns with Jupiter, your chances of getting it on with some desperate soul are heightened, so ditch the overrun monobrow. Venus and Saturn indicate that this could be lasting love, but not as lasting as laser hair removal.
Sagittarius astrologer extraordinaire: Robert Hand (USA)

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Mars enters your sign on 18 November, marking a phase of growth and achievement. You will be at the peak of your power when Mars and Pluto align on 28 November. You exercise strong self-control as you confidently take calculated risks to shape the life you want. Expect to be in demand at parties and barbeques thrown on or around 14 November, where your RoboCop thighs of steel are well equipped to crack open walnut shells and tins of cocktail weenies.
Capricorn astrologer extraordinaire: Noel Jan Tyl (USA)

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
You could be sensitive about friendship issues during the eclipse on 28 November. Gossip and rumours circulate at this time, so be mindful of your words and actions. Mars joins Pluto in your spirituality sector from 17 November. A two-year cycle of action and progress is ending. Your physical energy drops. Recharge by connecting directly with the natural world instead of slouching naked in front of the computer.
Aquarius astrologer extraordinaire: Sue Tompkins (UK)

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
The New Moon eclipse on 14 November heralds the start of a new cycle in your travel zone, supported by the transits of Mercury and Venus. You become restless and dissatisfied with regular routines. Participate in activities that expand your mind and free your spirit, such as extreme ironing and Base Warehouse jumping. Your buried leadership skills shine under a Mars transit from 17 November. Honesty issues surrounding friendship arise on 28 November. Secrets are exposed, helping you see the truth about those so-called friends.
Pisces astrologer extraordinaire: Nicholas Campion (UK)

Astro Shite for October 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
You’ll have an indication of the structure your love life will take after 5 October, when killjoy Saturn finally leaves the building to join Elvis. Quit fluffing around and get realistic about relationships. The fun times return when Venus calls you on 28 October with promises of pleasure involving party balloons and marshmallow whip. Mars fires up your travel sector from 8 October. You’ll seek extreme sports like storm chasing in Nebraska or Persian waxing in Kabul to break the routine.
Aries colour association: red – audacious, focused, spirited

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
The sensual Full Moon in Taurus on 30 October helps you get physical with anyone who will have you. Break the modern day habit of living in your head by reconnecting with your body, barnacles ‘n’ all. You’ll be ready for commitment and security when Saturn begins his once-in-thirty year visit to your seventh house, aligning with the Sun and Mercury. Avoid joining the ranks of the unreliable and keep your promises for a change.
Taurus colour association: green – grounding, whole, earthy

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
The pace of romance accelerates when Mars enters your relationship sector on 8 October. ‘Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’ is your motto this month, as you morph into the modern day Casanova and break a few hearts. Saturn wraps up his once-in-thirty year visit to your creativity zone on 5 October. If you haven’t made an effort to develop your creative side, begin it now. Under Saturn’s influence, you’re developing skills to support yourself in the future. This includes zine-making skills, although I doubt that will pay the rent on your love den.
Gemini colour association: yellow – cerebral, inquiring, unreserved

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
There’ll be some serious zine making occurring under Saturn and Mercury’s influence from the first week of October. Saturn loves tangible goals, so aim for a two-year plan to develop your craft and establish yourself as the DIY extraordinaire. You’ll ascertain what your artistic strengths are, and where to direct your energy. Venus and Mercury team up at the end of the month to transform your home into a safe and creative environment, ripe for some old school copy-and-paste ventures.
Cancer colour association: silver – reflective, connecting, traditional

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
The Sun-Saturn merger on 26 October compels you to be realistic about your domestic situation. Your predicament is more Desperate Housewives than Leave it to Beaver. Learn to set limits with housemates. Mars creates fire in your belly after 8 October, resulting in random moments of anal acoustics. How embarrassment! The positive side of this transit is that you get competitive about zine-making and nominate yourself for the Golden Stapler Awards 146, 895 times. You then get your friends to nominate you 283, 945 times. Oooooh, was that harsh? Don’t mind me; I’m just forecasting like an astrological dick.
Leo colour association: gold – bold, opulent, warm

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Venus moves into your sign on 4 October, producing a challenging aspect to Mars. Watch the passive-aggressive streak; peeps already think you’re mental. Your financial empire building should be completed by 5 October when Saturn leaves your money house for your communication sector. Be mindful of unconscious body language. What you don’t say will speak louder than words. Mars literally lights up your home environment on 8 October, when the deep fat fryer catches fire and burns the house down. Damn those deep-fried-crispy-fried-deep-deep-deep-fried-fat-thinga-ma-jigs.
Virgo colour association: white – purifying, emetic, healing

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
The good news is that Saturn leaves your sign on 5 October. Your days of responsibility are over, and you can go back to being the frivolous imbecile you naturally are. A new cycle regarding money begins on 6 October. Cut back on spending and put together a sensible financial plan if you can drag yourself away from Etsy. The New Moon in Libra on 15 October indicates new romantic beginnings of the New Romantic kind. Peeps are drawn to your vintage Flock of Seagulls look. Nice. An adventurous link from Mars to Uranus advises that now is not the time to be vanilla with your lover. No one ever got laid being vanilla, except Vanilla Ice, once or twice during the 90s when Madonna had him by the gonads. Poor bastard.
Libra colour association: pink – charming, polished, agile

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Say goodbye to the good times, Scorpio. Dead-beat Saturn enters your sign on 5 October, ordering you to grow up, cut your hair, and get a job. This is the start of a two-year cycle of growth, maturity, and tax returns. Saturn visits your sign every thirty years, making late 2012 and all of 2013 significant. Be honest about what isn’t working in your life. Does matching a yellow business tie with that pink puffball shirt and green tennis shorts work as a fashion statement? And is this the right look for your outings to The Hellfire Club? Mars ignites your money sector from 8 October. The Gods beg you to go shopping for respectable bondage garments before the doors to the underworld close on you out of sheer revulsion.
Scorpio colour association: black – concealing, enigmatic, expunging

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Saturn completes restructuring your hip social network on 5 October, after an occupancy that dates back to November 2009. Rest assured that all dags, Philistines, and Liberal voters follow Saturn into your twelfth house of remoteness where they evaporate. Mars occupies your sign for most of the month. Your trademark recklessness is heightened, so try taking a step back and breathing for a change, before plunging into a course of action.
Sagittarius colour association: purple – imperial, voluminous, masterful

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Saturn enters your group sector for the first time in 29 years on 5 October. You take up leadership roles for causes that involve the community, charities, or environmental concerns, but you’ll be assertive and say ‘no’ to events that don’t interest you. Your spiritual side becomes important when Mars rejuvenates your twelfth house from 8 October. Turn off the telly and get into the corpse position. This may shock your loved ones into calling the cops, but at least you’re tuning in to your inner world while they’re outlining your body with chalk.
Capricorn colour association: brown – loyal, protective, deterring

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
Saturn triggers your career zone on 5 October. Examine which professional limits are necessary and which are fear-based. Mars revives your social scene from 8 October. Attend to unfinished business concerning a friend. Your leadership skills are renewed under a Mars transit, so organise extreme group activities, like Tough Mudder, to blast friends out of their comfort zone in the most severe way possible.
Aquarius colour association: turquoise – innovative, open, experimental

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
You become passionate about your work when Mars invigorates your career sector from 8 October. Grow some balls and follow a career path that is meaningful to you. Saturn starts a two-year passage through your education zone on 5 October. Mercury joins him on 6 October. Both planets form favourable links to your Sun, indicating a preference for teaching, writing, and research. Venus enters your relationship house on 4 October, generating a messy, romantic, and dramatic phase that would make Lord Byron blush.
Pisces colour association: aquamarine – altruistic, redeeming, pensive