Aries
You’ll have truckloads of sexual energy to
carry you through the holiday season when Mars enters your love zone on 8
December. Engaging in unconscious sex is an Aries trait, so be mindful of your
partner’s feelings during horizontal line dancing, unless you’re shagging your
favourite tomato – you! You’re compelled to argue with Aunt Agnes over a dodgy
batch of mince pies on Christmas day. Avoid the tendency to jump into squabbles
without first appreciating the effort that goes into making festive puddings
from scratch, douche bag.
Aries Yuletide gift: tattoo gun kit
Taurus
The coming holiday period sparks your passion
for overseas adventure. With Venus retrograding in your travel sector from 22
December, you’ll spend the end of the month dreaming of exotic squeezes called
Katut, and make detailed travel arrangements to coalesce in a foreign land
that’s a long way from Wiley Park. Be wary of a propensity to be distressed by
your Christmas presents this year, as disappointment can keep you from enjoying
those elasticised Happy Socks.
Taurus Yuletide gift: mounted sand scoop and spreader
Gemini
The Gemini Full Moon on 16 December arouses
your inclination for gossip, which has you blacklisted from attending the cool
parties grunting on the scene at the moment. Damn. This Christmas, the Universe
reminds you that hearsay needs to be balanced with fact, knowledge balanced
with belief, and tuna balanced with mayo. The eclipse signals a change of job,
residency, or underwear for many Twins. Oooooooh, spooky …
Gemini Yuletide gift: Boggle
Cancer
The Venus retrograde motion in your love zone
from 22 December has you re-evaluating your existing romantic relationship.
Mercury’s Christmas day transit asks whether you can endure another year with
that dipshit whose aftershave expenditure exceeds third world debt. If you
answer ‘Eight is Enough’ then the winged messenger will give you the strength
to voice what isn’t working in your life; a necessary first step in telling the
tosser to f@#k off and find a personality.
Cancer Yuletide gift: House In A Box
Leo
Favourable links from Mercury to your Sun
between 6 and 24 December increases your confidence in planning a swell
Christmas shindig at your cubicle this year. The Lion loves an audience, and
this transit ensures that you’ll be the star attraction while elbow deep in
turkey stuffing and cranberry sauce. Expect to receive expensive gifts from
diehard fans, but avoid caving in to external pressure between 24 and 27
December, when you feel obligated to catch up with annoying relatives like
Uncle Fester and Cousin Itt. What killjoys.
Leo Yuletide gift: Revlon’s Love That Red lipstick
Virgo
Your creative peak will hit on 30 December,
thanks to an intense Pluto transit. Any DIY output during this time will have a
concentrated edge; a touch too much for the festive season it seems. Allow
yourself plenty of free time and space over the holiday period to surrender
completely to creative expression. Be strong and avoid the David Jones
post-Christmas sales in favour of developing your higher self.
Virgo Yuletide gift: Officeworks gift voucher
Libra
Reflect on a certain issue before taking
action when Mars moves into your sign on 8 December. Decisiveness may not be
your strong point now, but eventually you’ll ask Santa to send you a pair of Manolo
Blahnik open toe booties rather than Louboutin pumps. Nice choice. With Venus
embarking on a retrograde motion in your domestic sector from 22 December, this
is the season for procrastination, which I hear makes your palms go hairy. Or
blind. Or something.
Libra Yuletide gift: Moroccan Boucherouite rug
Scorpio
You’ll be a popular dude this Christmas,
thanks to the New Moon’s influence in your money zone on 3 December. This is a
rare opportunity to enjoy a new type of financial freedom, so take a break from
your usual tight-arse behaviour and splurge on loved ones for a change. An
annoying seventh house node demands that you put yourself in your neighbour’s
shoes and nick off with them. You just can’t find woven espadrilles of that quality in
this town, mate.
Scorpio Yuletide gift: butt plug
Sagittarius
The New Moon in your sign on 3 December
highlights adventure in a swashbuckling Long John Silver kinda way. If the
routine of life is deadening to the point of oblivion, this lunation inspires
action. Any activity that recharges your spirit, like jumping out of fast
moving vehicles into peak-hour traffic, is ideal now. Lightning bolt Uranus
brings second chances for events that failed to manifest in early August. You
look at the big picture between 6 and 24 December and realise that your ideas
are like Broken Hill – heaving with holes.
Sagittarius Yuletide gift: flying trapeze workshop
Capricorn
Mercury enters your sign on Christmas day.
This puts you in a positive frame of mind so that you can enjoy a
traditional Christmas with loved ones without the usual cardio arrests. Venus
moves backwards from 22 December, compelling you to overhaul your tired image
of beige pants/beige cardi/beige personality, and celebrate an electrifying new
look of taffeta balloon pants teemed with a Glomesh batwing top. You are
mistaken for a Christmas tree, which makes a refreshing change from being mistaken for Paul Keating.
Capricorn Yuletide gift: stocks and shares
Aquarius
Celebrations are well underway for the Water
Bearer this month. Unleash the inner-party animal under the New Moon on 3
December. Let the world know that you mean business by guzzling a crate of
Pilsner (or ten) while slam dancing to Slipknot. Despite the agonising displays
of physical gratification, a spiritual reassessment is your gift from the Gods
this Christmas. I know; it isn’t as much fun as receiving a barbeque apron with fake tits,
but the Ancient Wisdoms can help reveal your authentic self for what it’s
worth.
Aquarius Yuletide gift: LEGO Batman headlamp
Pisces
The period December
2013/January 2014 is a perfect time to close unfinished business between you
and a significant other. As 2013 ends, you’ll review your social and community
obligations. Ensure that your precious time and energy are poured into the
activities that matter to you. And have a Merry Christmas!
Pisces Yuletide gift: magic mushrooms
Aries
Expect unrestrained financial issues to stabilise around 18 November. Your
outer life will improve as a result, so you’ll lose that
just-got-out-of-bed-look without enduring a Channel Nine reality makeover. An
opportunity to progress in your career comes courtesy of a Venus-Pluto power
coupling in Capricorn. Chasing The Money is the blood sport of choice
for many Rams this month. It beats Candy Crush, I guess.
Aries essential
viewing: Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Taurus
The Full Moon in your sign on 17 November supports your inner transformation; a
necessary process for the earthy Bull. Focus on the balance between body and
spirit in order to gain understanding of how the two work together. Venus and
Pluto entangle in a love tryst to rival Harold and Maude between 15 and 17
November. Expect to arouse penetrating feelings in others with embarrassing but
sexy maneuvers. What a player! You’ll be crowing about your pulling power from
9 November under the Mercury direct motion. The last two months of 2013 are
ideal times to go away, so go away.
Taurus
essential viewing: Who’s Killing the Great Chefs of Europe (1978)
Gemini
The Sun adds glamour and drama to your personal relationships from 22 November.
You’ll be open to compromises without sacrificing your stylish persona. Expect
to receive serious romantic attention under this transit, so make the most of
the seasonal social calendar and cast your courting net. Sort out the details
of your daily existence when Mercury moves forward from 9 November. Like a
textbook Gemini, creating ‘to-do’ lists will be at the top of your ‘to-do’
list.
Gemini
essential viewing: The Usual Suspects (1995)
Cancer
Jupiter, the planet currently occupying your constellation, retrogrades from 6
November. Activities that have flourished since June will pause until March
2014. Take time to review how certain areas of your life have developed and
plan where you want to go from here. Venus enters your love zone on 6 November.
Be prepared for a new phase of romance by threading your nasal hairs. A
powerful eclipse hits your creativity zone on 3 November, marking a period of
inspiration, illumination, revelation, stimulation, radiation …
Cancer
essential viewing: Five Easy Pieces (1970)
Leo
The Sun-Saturn link between 6 and 8 November represents a reality check that
helps you focus on practical issues. Be firm about Limits; will these diet
biscuits really melt away the fat from your thighs? Those closest to you may
need to rely on your strength, so bulk up with protein shakes and steroids.
You’ll be in a playful mood when Venus enters your creativity sector on 5
November. Empower those younger and more gullible than yourself through the
force of DIY, especially around 22 November, when your creative expression
soars like the furious re-zoning of the inner city.
Leo essential
viewing: King of Comedy (1983)
Virgo
Take charge of those irritating housemates from 22 November under the influence
of the bold, gold Sun. You’ll roar like a lion at the sight of a smeared toilet
bowl, and decide to make your mark on domestic life with a stock whip. The
demands of household despotism take its toll between 15 and 17 November, when
you decide to chillax with a Porch Crawler or two, and experience the world
through not-so-serious eyes.
Virgo essential
viewing: The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit (1956)
Libra
The extended Venus cycle, which begins on 6 November, has you delving into your
past like a scene from It’s A Wonderful Life without the exasperating
angel-half-person living in your head. You get a better understanding of how
your upbringing has shaped you into the self-interested Wannabe you are today.
Contender, be proud. Any possibility of a pay rise diminishes under the Jupiter
retrograde motion of 6 November. You’ll have to go without your regular intake
of Chateau La Mondotte Saint-Emilion and Barclay Prime until the cycle goes
direct in March 2014. Life is hard.
Libra essential
viewing: Prêt-a-Porter (1994)
Scorpio
You get to the heart of a certain matter when Mercury moves forward in your
sign from 9 November. Expect metaphorical light bulbs to illuminate under the
Solar Eclipse of 3 November. Finally, you’re capable of original thinking. A
sudden release of material from the unconscious proves to be fine fodder for
your next zine project. The North Node-New Moon link represents a turning point
between your past and future. Focus on what moves you forward, that is, that rusted
lemon you call a car.
Scorpio
essential viewing: Cruising (1980)
Sagittarius
Venus begins an extended visit to your financial sector on 6 November, a cycle
that will continue in 2014. The influence of sensible Capricorn means taking
calculated risks with money - foreign behaviour for spendthrift Sagittarius.
From 9 November, you communicate with others through the use of acronyms and
emoticons :-). Ideas need to be presented visually or emotionally under
the current Mercury transit in order for you to understand WTF is going on
around you :- P.
Sagittarius
essential viewing: The Man Who Would Be King (1975)
Capricorn
Venus enters your sign on 6 November. You’ll reflect back on the period 2005 to
early 2006 for any unfinished business that still bothers you. Reconnect with
unfulfilled dreams from that time and re-commit to them as part of a new
eight-year cycle. Between 22 November and 25 December, the Sun and Mercury
combine to accentuate your spiritual side. Do everyone a favour and be silent
for a change.
Capricorn
essential viewing: Wall Street (1987)
Aquarius
A potent eclipse on 3 November brings new ideas via New
Idea to your zine-making ventures. This is a powerful time of beginnings in
relation to your true calling. The Universe throws you a second chance at
missed opportunities after 9 November, so be prepared to jump on the short bus
when it comes your way. Venus leaves your social sector on 6 November, which is
a bummer considering the number of party invitations groaning on Facebook this
time of year.
Aquarius
essential viewing: 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Pisces
Your gypsy spirit will rise to the surface from 3
November, compelling you to grow facial hair and don silver-hooped earrings.
Travel plans are best organised after 9 November when Mercury goes direct, and
you develop the capacity for reading maps without downloading an app. Amazing!
A new social cycle begins on 6 November, thanks to gregarious Venus. Avoid
freeloaders disguised as friends. ‘Boundaries’ may not be a Piscean theme, but
make them one.
Pisces
essential viewing: Jesus of Montréal (1989)
Aries
The Full Moon on 19 October stresses the balance between self and others.
Inequality in close relationships needs addressing and undressing under this
cycle. The Mercury-Jupiter link indicates uplifting and honest conversations
with a brazen and animated Air type who looks good in scarves and red lipstick.
You’ll be stalking that fop in Fcuk, thanks to the loopy Venus-Uranus combo. Holiday
romances are possible after 7 October, so pack a thong and a bong for that trip
to Hong Kong.
Aries Goddess: Athena
Taurus
Mercury retrogrades through your relationship zone from 20 October. Take a
cosmic step back from your lover, especially if they’ve ordered quince aioli
for lunch, and give them breathing space and mouth wash. Act on your passions
under the Mars transit from 16 October by hooking up with a skank who brings
out the animal in you like a cheap aftershave commercial. Too hot or what?
Taurus Goddess: Aphrodite
Gemini
Your hips and lower back transform into penetrating erogenous zones
when Venus occupies your house of romance from 8 October. Peeps can’t get
enough of your lascivious love handles, so share the lovin’ around. Mars whips
your home in order from 16 October with a turbo-charged hand vac that doubles
as a motor scooter. Cool. You’ll be shooting the shit with some fully-sick hip
hop dudes under the Lunar Eclipse of 19 October in a desperate attempt to score
street cred. Stick to accounting.
Gemini Goddess:
Saraswati
Cancer
The big lollapalooza concerning your domestic life this year is the Lunar Eclipse
on 19 October. Observe how the private sphere influences the public domain and
vice versa. Divide your time and energy equally by fixing healthy boundaries
between work and home life. Embrace compartmentalisation. Contrary to commercial
television, life isn’t a Yuppie vanity show. The reality for you, my Cancerian
friend, is more Housos than Man Men.
Cancer Goddess: Ceres
Leo
Mars boosts your money house from 16 October. Take charge of your
finances by demanding a pay rise in an uncompromising Damages kinda way. Pursue new income streams by exploring
opportunities along The Silk Road. Your actions will have a direct effect on
your economic position, so expect to spend time in Long Bay. You act like a
fruit on synthetic drugs when Venus visits your recreational zone on 7 October.
Unwind from the daily grind by impersonating a police officer. Why should
Chopper Read have all the fun?
Leo Goddess: Hera
Virgo
Virgos will be busy bees from 16 October under the industrious Mars
transit. As you have a knack for handling a variety of tasks simultaneously,
you’ll take on numerous DIY projects and accomplish them proficiently. Expect
ebbs and flows in your social circle from 20 October under the Mercury
retrograde motion. Communication difficulties are likely, so shift your
schedule according to who better fits your agenda. Entrepreneurial ideas have
the opportunity to germinate under the New Moon of 5 October, so expand your
sources of income and show the world that you’re not a Born Loser (what a great zine, I thoroughly recommend it).
Virgo Goddess: Vesta
Libra
Sometimes all you need is love. The John Lennon New Moon on 5 October
symbolises the need for relationships based on peace, harmony, and soaking Mung
beans. Uranus opposes this transit, prompting you to break free from tired and
useless traditions and explore what’s right for you. Review your bank account
for cyber fraud and other catastrophes from 20 October. A close friend reveals
their true colours when they wipe off that high performance line-smoothing foundation
under the Eclipse of 19 October. Gross. Mars activates your spirituality sector
from 16 October. Avoid self-criticism; that’s Virgo’s job.
Libra Goddess: Themis
Scorpio
Mercury retrogrades in your sign from 20 October. Listen to the subtle messages
from deep within your gut generated by last night’s meal consisting of green
curry, a crate of Belgian beer, a block of Gouda, and a box of Choo-Choo bars.
OMG! Get your fat arse moving on that sorry zine by 16 October if you want to
avoid artistic obscurity. You’ll be in a gregarious and laidback mood now that the
year is winding down. Put on your cape and go batman all the way to Christmas.
Scorpio Goddess: Durga
Sagittarius
With Venus occupying your sign from 8 October, you’ll be hankering to expand
your range of experience through a significant other. Sombre nine-to-five types
bore you now. Who cares about negative gearing and the price of eggs when
there’s a world out there waiting to be explored with someone hot and willing? Mercury
animates your mystery zone from 20 October. You ask life’s big questions: Who am I? What is my purpose? Do I have
spinach on my teeth? Deep. The Lunar Eclipse of 19 October demands that you
express yourself authentically. Emotions peak under this transit. Accept them
as cues from your inner self to create more and dawdle less.
Sagittarius Goddess: Epona
Capricorn
Lifetime learning, teaching, or writing ambitions need attention
under the Mars transit of 16 October. If you have supressed these passions, now
is the time to act on them. Keep your promises to your mates on 7 and 29
October when Mercury aligns with Saturn. Deepen your spiritual side through daily
ritual practises from 7 October: zine-making in bed (horizontal); typewriting while
standing in your bathroom (vertical); and note taking during painful episodes
of The Bachelor (tilted).
Capricorn Goddess: Diana
Aquarius
Mercury retrogrades through your career zone from 20 October. Review how f^%*@d
your job is, and make plans to progress to something less s@#t. You’re unlikely
to see the truth about financial dealings between 18 and 21 October, when a convict
in a bomber jacket spikes your Martini and pilfers your watch collection. Despite
the tribulations, you’re more diplomatic than usual, thanks the Venus cycle on 7
October. Remaining slightly detached from the dramas of the month will keep you
sane to say the least.
Aquarius Goddess: Lakshmi
Pisces
Mars in your relationship sector from 16 October demands that you
take charge and make things happen on a romantic level. From 7 October, Venus
offers you the opportunity to spit and polish your talents before promoting
them to the world. The Eclipse across your money axis on 19 October helps rebalance
income and expenses. Review DIY projects
under the Mercury retrograde from 20 October. Must you create that zine on
performance air filters and intercoolers? Really?
Pisces Goddess:
Mary
Aries
Mercury occupies your relationship zone between 10 and 29 September. You crave
a docile Q&A audience to heed your self-righteous opinions, but are stuck
arguing with your pet rock about the PNG Solution and carbon pricing (yawn).
Career transformations are likely after 27 September. You want more control
over how you spend your time, and consider pimping. The Sun joins Mercury on 2
September for the sexiest stretch you’ll experience this year. Finally, you get
the opportunity to have Incredibly Hot Sex with Hideous People. I can smell the
desperation from Five Dock.
Song for Aries: New Race by Radio Birdman
Taurus
The Venus-Saturn-North Node link between 18 and 20 September works like a
Lazarus triple bypass on your flaccid Ego. You rise from the dead and leap into
your future like a leprechaun on whiz. Be prepared to move away from the familiar
to attain what is yours by divine right. Focus on sexting under the Mercury
transit on 29 September to revive a stale relationship. You get the Facebook
‘thumbs up’ from your lover and eighty-three other perverts after posting a
snapshot of yourself modelling cheese wire.
Song for Taurus: Sprawl II by Arcade Fire
Gemini
Mercury helps you relax with the aid of Mogadons and some vintage Leonard Cohen
records between 9 and 29 September. Rest to maintain healthy energy levels;
you’ll need some punch for the active times ahead. The Sun enters your house of
fun on 23 September as a reminder to embrace leisureliness in this
work-obsessed culture of ours. Others see you as a joker, a smoker, a midnight
toker under the Venus transit between 16 and 19 September. You get your lovin’
on the run, which irritates your partner somewhat. Your technical ability and
patience are tested between 25 and 27 September. Have you tried turning it off
and on?
Song for Gemini: Second Language by Tactics
Cancer
Saturn supports Pluto in your love zone between 13 and 30 September, bringing
stability to wobbly relationships. This energy asks that you quit fantasising
about the Bondi Vet in a spray tan, and focus on the bond that you’re actually
part of. You can translate your feelings clearly and readily, thanks to the
Mercury transit from 20 September. Your personal charm is well received under
the Venus-Sun cycle of 12 September, so expect extra nookie this month.
Song for Cancer: Going Back performed by Goldie
Leo
Under Mercury’s influence, strangers with brief cases and important
corporate agendas will stream in and out of your abode like it’s Grand Central
Terminal. Home-based businesses with a teaching slant should thrive this month,
so get that zine workshop pumping from the kitchen table. Money dramas are
resolved by 9 September when you devolve those complex financial papers to
someone who understands them. Be grateful for the cosmic gift bestowed to you
on 29 September. It’s designed to help you rethink the colour scheme in the
second bedroom. Nasty.
Song for Leo: You’re A Wanker by TISM
Virgo
Go wild and unleash the inner-minimalist under the New Moon on 5 September.
Virgo appreciates the beauty of clean lines, uncluttered spaces,
and multi-purpose cleaning fluid. This is the time to file, bin, burn,
and donate junk to anyone who will have it, that is, Taurus. You may encounter
resistance under the Mars-Saturn connection, but persist. Let the
bastards know who’s boss. You leave a memorable imprint for others to enjoy on
9 September by pressing your cock into one of those Pin Point Impression
moulds. Ouch! Creativity peaks between 13 and 30 September along with your
schlong. Stop taking life so seriously; down time is more important than
achievement, but don’t tell Tony Abbott that.
Song for Virgo: Sometimes (I Just Can’t Live With Anyone) by The Laughing Clowns
Libra
You’ll get your hair extension in knots over extremes of opinions in the first
week of September when Mercury occupies your sign. Macaroon or Macaron? Zine or
fanzine? Stencil or print? Luckily, your ability to think in abstract terms
provides you with a good measure of objectivity. Yours is a subtle
intelligence; you don’t want boring stuff like brainpower getting in the way of
looking chic. Mercury influences your money house from 29 September until the
end of the year. You reach new levels of financial organisation by guillotining
your credit cards and moving to the Galapagos Islands.
Song for Libra: Why Can’t We Live Together by Timmy Thomas
Scorpio
The unusually long visit from Mercury in Scorpio on 20 September provides you
with the curiosity to explore beneath the reptile exterior that protects you.
Journal writing may be a traditional form of therapy, but it’s not as appealing
as posting your fears and doubts on Facebook. The unexamined life is not worth
living unless it’s captured in a Selfie. Mercury follows Venus into your
spirituality zone between 9 and 29 September. Look at life from a different
viewpoint to A Current Affair by indulging in the writings of Aleister Crowley, Gerald Gardner,
and other degenerate old fruits.
Song for Scorpio: Pumping Ugly Muscle by Primitive Calculators
Sagittarius
Mercury helps expand your social network between 9 and 29 September.
Communicating directly with your peers is crucial now. Get your arse away from
virtual reality and soldier into the actual world without your avatar. Scary
stuff. Your bloated sense of entitlement reaches bursting point around 22
September when you put your leadership skills to the test. Power trips may
inflate your Ego, but it will end in tears when a water sign extinguishes your
fire. Ha!
Song for Sagittarius: I Just Want To Sleep With Someone New by Paul Kelly
Capricorn
Your ruler, Saturn, turns the period 13 to 30 September into a cosmic
flashpoint. Strip down to your Nike trainers and streak across the SCG during a
major sporting event. Feel the exhilaration as thousands of sheep with
Smartphones start snapping shots of your assets for Instagram. The Saturn-Pluto
link makes you appreciate the true force of your willy as a weapon of mass
ridicule. Financial differences lead to tension amongst friends between 8 and
10 September, when you deny that you owe Cyril and Bartholomew coin for those
hotted-up hubcaps. Yeah, right.
Song for Capricorn: Little Boxes performed by Pete Seeger
Aquarius
Explore new ways to connect passionately with your lover under the Mars cycle
this month. The period between 14 and 18 September has an experimental quality
which the unorthodox Water Bearer will find stimulating. Random kinky
encounters with anonymous peeps suits you, Sir. Insert that butt plug and be
direct about your needs. Your curiosity about the world beyond your postcode
increases under the Mercury transit between 9 and 29 September. Meaningful
dialogue with well-dressed Europhiles has you yearning for life to imitate a
Jean-Luc Godard film rather than the usual episode of Big Brother.
Song for Aquarius: I’m Not Like Everybody Else by The Kinks
Pisces
The Full Moon in Pisces on 19 September highlights dreams, visions, and the
ethereal world. Look for subliminal messages that nudge you onto a certain
path, but be wary of lusting after possibilities that blind you to reality.
Links from Mercury and Venus to your Sun signal that relationship commitments
must be respected. If a loved one isn’t honouring their responsibilities, call
them on it. It’s a two way street, this love thang.
Song for Pisces: Tael Of A Saehors by Makers of the Dead Travel Fast
Aries
Your most potent period for love and romance starts 16 August,
when Venus visits your seventh house. Under this transit, one-on-one
relationships appeal to you more than casual flings. Your insufferable
narcissistic personality disorder dissolves as you become willing to compromise
and make peace with your significant other. The Mars cycle from 28 August
supplies you with the drive and confidence to forge ahead with neglected zine
projects.
Aries God: Mars
Taurus
Mercury supports desperately needed home renovation projects between 8 and 23 August, urging you to take action with that humpy you call
home. Unfinalised decisions need to be settled and implemented around 28
August, when Mars muscles in on your comfort zone. You’ll be wordsmith
extraordinaire when Mercury leaves your domestic sector for your creativity
zone on 23 August. This transit establishes your place as the Oscar Wilde of
the zine world, complete with a dapper silk smoking jacket and encyclopaedic
knowledge of poke bonnets. Bugger me!
Taurus God: Bacchus
Gemini
Your ruling planet, Mercury, is at his mischievous best from 23
August. You’ll make a lasting impression in your two-toned Winklepickers, gold stovepipe
pants, and skinny green tie. The Sun and Mercury combine forces to accentuate
your personal sphere from 22 August. Under the Sun’s influence, you envision
revamping your image along the lines of Aunty Jack or Tiny Tim. Make that dream
happen with a fat suit and football socks.
Gemini God: Hermes
Cancer
The emotional tsunami that overwhelmed most Cancerians last month
should dissipate, thanks to the New Moon on 6 August. Jupiter is doing his duty
of expanding your pathetic little world by teaming up with Uranus around 16
August. Stay focused on your long-term vision by only accepting offers that
align with your purpose. Venus visits your home environment mid-month. Beautify
your Toowoon Bay hogan with shrunken heads and buffalo skins. Jupiter and Pluto
face-off between 4 and 11 August. Like that John Travolta-Nicholas Cage film of
the same name, the balance of power within your intimate relationships needs
reworking. Now that I think of it, this may be the plot to an entirely
different film, but you get my drift.
Cancer God: Indra
Leo
The Leo New Moon on 6 August highlights the Lion archetype. You
may not be King of the Jungle, but you are King of Kongs Jungle Lounge. Sweet. Leadership and strength come readily
after a few rounds of Flaming Lamborghinis. The New Moon aligns with Uranus,
showing that unconventional ideas are the way forward. Break with tradition as
you break wind. Mars follows Mercury into your sign. Progress is powerful as
you observe the Rizzeria printer spit out a few of your DIY nuggets. Financial
education becomes indispensable after 23 August. This transit should curb your
extravagant spending habits to a certain degree, but I doubt it.
Leo God: Apollo
Virgo
Virgo, you’ll be chuffed to know that others will acknowledge your
brainpower when Mercury enters your sign on 23 August. Hot damn, you make
intelligence sexy! The Venus cycle from 16 August improves your financial
situation. Finally, you’ll be able to restock your beauty and grooming pantry
with roll-on wax, lime plaster, and sand paper for a more desirable you. Make
the savvy move to splurge on modern art as an investment: Archipenko, Bobomazov,
Diebenkorn, Hundertwasser, Nieuwenhuys, Rauschenberg
… yeah, we get it; you know stuff.
Virgo God: Vulcan
Libra
The Sun-New Moon link of 6 August demands that you put old
friendship dramas behind you. Turn over a new fig leaf with your mates and go
nude kayaking together. Venus in your sign from 16 August morphs you into the
Purple People Pleaser. You adapt your personality to suit others and lose your
identity in the process. Look to your polar opposite, Aries, for tips on
regaining your individuality by acting like a selfish git. Mars encourages you
to step into leadership, Gangnam Style, from 28 August. Finding inner peace
helps you deal with worldly situations when the Sun and Mercury infiltrate your
spiritual zone from 23 August.
Libra God: Rama
Scorpio
Mars swings his dick through your professional sector from 28
August. You become an intolerable knob, as confidence and arrogance drives you
to succeed at any cost. Mercury and the Sun energise your social sector from 23
August. Stand out from the crowd like a buffoon in a clown suit. After two
demanding years of disciplined spiritual practise, Mercury and Venus lighten
the load by drawing you into a weekend satanic cult. You quit after admitting that
going Skyclad and sacrificing goats on a Sunday arvo’ isn’t really your scene.
Scorpio God: Shiva
Sagittarius
You are able to think quickly on your feet, thanks to favourable
links from Mercury and Mars to your Sun. Finally, you have something noteworthy
to say that doesn’t involve your impressive achievements or buff body. A need
for freedom arises between 15 and 26 August under the Jupiter-Uranus link. Burn
your tummy shape-wear garments and liberate yourself from restrictive
situations. Your chosen life direction comes under scrutiny between 4 and 11
August with the Jupiter-Pluto opposition. If you have made compromises to go
with the flow of dead fish, then this can be a time of frustration and bad hair
days. Reclaim your power, follow your true calling, and eliminate those fishy
smells with white vinegar.
Sagittarius God: Chiron
Capricorn
The Sun and Mercury invigorate your ninth house from 23 August.
You seek a higher purpose that leads you to experiences beyond guerrilla
photocopying and knitting tea cosies. The details of daily life bore you
shitless under this transit. Whitening your teeth and itemising your Telstra
bill are low on the list of priorities now that Mercury asks you to rethink
your personal philosophy. Missing dental appointments, getting lost in your own
home and other forms of amnesia are messages from the Universe requiring you to
examine the Big Picture.
Capricorn God: Saturn
Aquarius
The Aquarius Full Moon on 21 August highlights the balance between
personal passions and group connections. This eclipse raises questions
regarding the value of individual talent if it’s not put to collective use.
What a perfect cycle for you to astound the nation with your scat-gargling
skills on Australia’s Got Talent. Venus shines under this Full Moon, so
apply plenty of bronzer for that muddy Oompa Loompa look. Mercury enters your
relationship zone on 9 August and asks that you remove lipstick from your teeth
before snogging that bogan from Bexley.
Aquarius God: Vishnu
Pisces
The Sun and Mercury light up your house of romance from 23 August.
If you have been neglecting your intimate relationships, this transit propels
you to pay particular attention to them. If you’re single, cut back on work, Zumba
classes, and Four’N Twenty pies to focus on meeting new people. You’ll
have success after 23 August with Mercury ensuring that crafty pick-up lines
will get your leg over.
Pisces God: Mithras
