Closing the Doors on Adyar Bookshop

Sydney’s metaphysical epicentre, Adyar Bookshop, has closed its doors indefinitely. It’s difficult to see a well-established Sydney icon of the spiritual community shut shop, having been around in some form since 1922. But as George Harrison once said, all things must pass.

 

The Sydney branch of The Theosophical Society owned and managed Adyar for nearly a century. The bookshop reflected objectives of Universal unity, the study of comparative religion, philosophy and science, and the investigation of the unexplained Laws of Nature. Throughout the store Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, atheism, witchcraft, and paganism sat alongside astrology charts, tarot cards, healing crystals, and joss sticks.

 

I began my journey with astrology at Adyar sometime in the 1980s. In those days, the bookshop was situation in a welcoming location on Clarence Street in the city. It boasted base to ceiling shop-front windows. Standing on the outside looking in was tantalising. Gazing onto its floor, I saw a rabbit warren of open shelves arranged free form and bursting with books on the ancient wisdoms. Naturally, I gravitated to the astrology section. My teachers Liz Greene, Howard Sasportas, Robert Hand, Alan Oken, Bill Tierney, Jeff Green, Jim Lewis, and Erin Sullivan were patiently sitting on Adyar’s shelves, waiting for the student to appear. I can’t imagine where I’d be now without that knowledge, had I not stumbled on the shop back then.

 

What made Adyar vital was its specialisation in traditional esotericism, such as the teachings of Alice Bailey, Madame Blavatsky, Charles Leadbeater, and Krishnamurti. Now that the bookshop is gone, a younger generation of seekers have lost the gateway to these teachings at a time when society is moving further away from the natural world and hitting the pinnacle of materialism and secularism with force. 

I am sorry to see another Sydney icon go. Soon there will not be any unique bookstores or record shops left to define Sydney, thanks to the pull of cheap online shopping. The internet is taking its toll on the independent seller. Adyar’s closure follows a downsize last year by the sci-fi and fantasy specialist, Galaxy Bookshop, which is now contained within the parameters of another independent entity, Abbeys Bookshop. Only a few doors away are the formidable Utopia Records, legendary Red Eye Records, and the unassuming Mojo Records. How much time do we ungrateful Sydney-siders have left to enjoy these vanishing gems?

City of Sydney Archives: Desperately Seeking Champions of Ephemera

The City of Sydney Council is looking to build its archives ephemera collection of Sydney. This is an opportunity for Sydney's DIY community to influence the shape of the collection called The Past in Print for historical purposes by donating ephemera including their own DIY projects.

As any zinester or archivist will tell you, ephemera is short-lived printed material such as pamphlets, flyers, tickets, beer coasters, business cards, postcards, badges, and zines. Treated as archival documentation, it becomes an excellent source of information about the diverse and changing face of Sydney's local communities.

I see The Past in Print as a vital project in helping save the history of Sydney. The city is rapidly changing thanks to rampant over-development in the inner city and throughout the suburbs. Small fry such as The Annandale Hotel and The Mu-Meson Archives are hanging on, but will eventually be eaten by the greed that surrounds them. It is important to document the existence of these places and how they provide colour and character to their otherwise soul-less and gentrified surroundings. From a DIY perspective, The Past in Print will give a snap-shot of Sydney's underground culture in the early millennium for future Sydney-slickers to marvel at.

For further information or possible donations, please contact the city archives at  archives@cityofsydney.nsw.

I have included a little ditty called My City of Sydney covered by 70s indie-punk band XL Capris which, in 2012, seems kinda ironic.

Happy New Year with Astro Shite - 2012 Overview

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Thanks to Uranus in Aries, you will be trailblazer extraordinaire in 2012. This is nothing new for Aries peeps, as standing out from the crowd is a full time occupation for the Ram. Pluto dominates your career sector this year. Expressing your power in an irritating and bombastic fashion will boost your prospects for career advancement. It maybe the end of the world for those wimpy Piscean types, but you will embark on creating another Universe with the aid of your iPhone, a couple of tectonic plates, and one kilo of Vittoria coffee beans. Good luck to ya!
Aries groovers ‘n’ shakers: Ian McKaye, Angus Young, Frank Black

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
This year Jupiter gives you Taureans a cosmic-kick-in-the-rear to get off the couch and show the world what you’re worth. Gocco that zine. Attend a swap meet or two. Get a life. While this may be overwhelming for most Bulls, Jupiter in your sign demands that you put your needs first. The combination of Jupiter and Taurus heightens self-indulgence, so expect to battle the bulge in 2012 with virtual gastric banding and cyber-celebrity colonic irrigation through the nose. Severe or what?
Taurus groovers ‘n’ shakers: Ace Frehley, Sid Vicious, Joey Ramone

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Jupiter will enter your sign in mid-2012 kick starting a twelve-month cycle of growth in the areas of travel and teaching – the stuff that comes naturally to the winged messenger. Neptune settles into your career zone in February for fourteen years of occupational confusion. A new professional era begins when you mistake the Docucenter III C3100 copier for that boring English art rock band, 10cc – a faux pas you will never live down in this town, bro’.
Gemini groovers ‘n’ shakers: Paul Weller, Siouxsie Sioux, Morrissey

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
With Mars moving through the lower half of your chart in 2012, devote time to exploring your inner self with the stainless steel Coddington magnifier, and reach the unexplored areas of the human body … um … psyche. Freud would approve. The year brings quirky and stimulating work opportunities when Mercury joins Uranus in your career zone three times throughout 2012. It may be death-by-administration for the rest of the zodiac, but Cancerians get a crack at Following Their Bliss, compliments of the Universe.
Cancer groovers ‘n’ shakers: Woody Guthrie, Glenn Danzig, Bon Scott

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Expansive Jupiter continues to offer Leo a range of professional adventures beyond the confines of office partitions and beige ergonomic furniture in 2012. Do you ever see fellow Lion Mick Jagger stressing over flex-sheets and pie charts while counting the hours to Beer O’clock? Of course not. Expect nothing less than glamour and bonuses this year. Mercury’s drawn-out stay in your sign highlights self-expression, so hit the Rizzeria with serious two-colour printing on Stonehenge paper (or whatever criteria zinesters need to fulfil in order to enter the Kingdom of Zine Land).
Leo groovers ‘n’ shakers: Mick Jagger, Joe Strummer, Bruce Dickinson

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
The first half of 2012 sees Mars visiting your sign for much needed dutch courage and assertiveness. This year rediscover forgotten passions (and I don’t mean re-arranging the bottom draw for the eighty-ninth time). Your career zone is one of your most activated charts areas in 2012, with Jupiter and Venus demanding that you re-brand yourself like Coca-Cola or Lady Gaga. I could suggest wearing a loin beef jumpsuit with crispy bacon trimming for public appearances, but that may offend your vegan-macrobiotic sensibilities. You will review your professional direction mid-year and question your soul purpose. Wearing a tofu and chickpea kaftan will provide answers to life’s big questions.
Virgo groovers ‘n’ shakers: John Cage, Gene Simmons, Nick Cave

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
The good news for Libra is that Saturn will leave your sign this year. The bad news is that he will take until October to do it. Under Saturn’s two-year occupation, there have been moments of, well, moments. His focus on reality has forced you to deal with things that you would rather sweep under that multi-coloured Moroccan rug you bought on eBay. Nevertheless, you have become strong and self-sufficient under this transit. Finalise any major life restructuring before early October. Only then will you be free to mindlessly shop and network like the peacock you are.
Libra groovers ‘n’ shakers: John Lennon, Lux Interior, Brian Eno

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Most Scorpios will agree that they are currently enjoying an unrestrained hot ‘n’ sexy transit. I hate to burst the bubble, but that will change in the second half of 2012 when Saturn leaves Libra and enters your sign for two years. Saturn visits the constellation of Scorpio once every thirty years, making late 2012 and 2013 significant in a stodgy-John-Howard-way. When this transit kicks in, Scorpions will need to focus on improving their economic situation or die. Getting your financial act together amidst having sex 145782, 079456, 9874 times a day will be the great Scorpio challenge in 2012.
Scorpio groovers ‘n’ shakers: Kathleen Hanna, Rowland S Howard, Johnny Marr

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
The Gods demand that you detox in the first half of 2012. Your liver has taken a beating Sagittarius-style, and it’s crucial that your body be in peak performance for the second half of the year, when you focus on expanding your dream of seeing the world through the rear-view mirror of your Harley Davidson. Mars’ extended stay in your professional zone helps you power your career by riding the beast through the lush foyers and reception areas of many corporations. It will be a year of beginnings when you are repeatedly charged with damaging commercial property and causing stress to concierges around the central business district.
Sagittarius groovers ‘n’ shakers: Frank Zappa, J Mascis, Tom Waits

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Pluto’s extended visit through your sign is supported by the transits of Jupiter and Saturn in 2012.This is an intense period of self-examination, but let’s not go there. You will put big panties on and face your darkness. Doing this will release its hold over you. The period of bitching ‘n’ moaning about your day job ends in October when Saturn leaves your career sector. Continue to apply effort towards achieving professional goals until then, twice daily with food or as directed by your healthcare practitioner.
Capricorn groovers ‘n’ shakers: Captain Beefheart, David Bowie, Blixa Bargeld

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
Confusing Neptune leaves your sign in February. This year will bring a revitalised outlook on life for many Aquarians. You are no longer at sea with the Dugongs. 2012 is about discovering and accepting who you are. Saturn helps redefine your identity in the world from October in a mature way. You finally remove that 80s stacked mullet profile photo from Facebook, and replace it with a softer image of you modelling Holeproof Underdaks.
Aquarius groovers ‘n’ shakers: Malcolm McLaren, John Lydon, Jim Thirlwell

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
You will be in your element in 2012 when Neptune settles into your sign in February for a fourteen-year stay. Pisceans will be at one with the Muses, who wisely ban Ugg boots, tracksuit pants, and Nickelback from entering the sacred realm. Ignoring your spiritual or creative dreams is not an option under Neptune. Your journey from 2012 onwards requires that you work with spirit, not in a call centre or a kebab shop.
Pisces groovers ‘n’ shakers: Johnny Cash, Nina Hagen, Lou Reed

Astro Shite for December 2011 - the Christmas Edition

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
The best gift you will receive on 25 December is the New Moon in Capricorn in your career sector. Why is this pressie so great? Because it signals a dynamic six months of plundering and backstabbing your way to the fairy-tale job you covet. With Pluto thrown into the New Moon mix, you accomplish this feat with the morals and finesse of the Boston Strangler gone to Hell twice over. Before you get over-zealous about the immediate future, remember that great wisdom comes from recognising when it’s time to pause and step back. Even celestial warriors have to stand still occasionally. Go on … have a break, have a Kit-Kat. 
Aries Christmas gifts: hand grenade, slingshot, hunting spear

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Forget Christmas, professional goals are the focus from 21 December for you stubborn Bulls. Venus and Pluto join on 2 December and your desire to be in control ruins the festive mood when you demand honesty from others in an intense and revealing game of Truth or Dare at the office Christmas party. Your work colleagues are pissed off that they didn’t play Celebrity Head, and you are blacklisted from attending future social events. Don’t worry, Pluto blesses you with power and you have a mental breakthrough on 2 December, which materialises into a mental breakdown when you realise that there are only twenty-three shopping days left until Christmas. 
Taurus Christmas gifts: fire oven, Egyptian cotton, Italian table wine

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Gemini, this month your relationships need reworking under Mercury, which has been retrograde since November. Do this quickly if you want loads of Christmas presents this year. Pluto triggers your shared money zone on 2 and 31 December. Make the most of whatever assets are available to you, and I don’t mean your callisthenic thighs and ripped torso. The Full Moon eclipse in your sign on 11 December brings high and low tides in the emotional realm. It’s only now that peeps believe that you really are two people in one body. You drop the social conditioning and go with what you trust in your heart. Your legendary flirty behaviour sees you sitting on Santa’s lap more than once this silly season. 
Gemini Christmas gifts: iPhone, iPad, iGossip

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Mercury retrogrades until 14 December causing chaos and asking the big questions of who, what, where, why, and how is Christmas gonna happen this year. Mind you, these crucial questions arise every year at the same time, so you should already have a disaster management plan drafted. Pluto continues his extended visit through your partnership zone. Themes of truth, honesty, and passion in relationships arise on 2 and 31 December, so be prepared to find some extra goodies in your Christmas stocking. 
Cancer Christmas gifts: DIY kit home, handcrafted photo album, vintage twin set

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Leo, this month the focus will be on the post-Christmas period. The Sun and Pluto join on 31 December to remind you what an unattractive gluttonous yob you were during the festive season, and that now is the time to get obsessive about health issues. Thankfully, transformations are possible under this transit, and you will be successful in shedding that 90s Rosanne Barr look when you fulfil your New Year’s resolution of starting the Weight Watchers Pro-Points Plan and sticking to it. 
Leo Christmas gifts: wall mirrors, diamante tiara, French perfume

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
The celestial organising guru that is Mercury helps you plan Christmas day at your place this year for one thousand and twelve of your closest friends and relo’s. You will need your ruling planet’s proficiency in preparing the two hundred and thirty-eight course dinner you’re going to murder under extreme anxiety and a couple of packs of Xanax. How else does a Virgo function? Learn to be patient under this transit, as the turkey won’t be the only thing that’s stuffed on 25 December. 
Virgo Christmas gifts: Moleskine diary/planner, clothing starch, well-crafted zines

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
In true Libran harmony, you will create ‘togetherness’ with friends and family this month. You will broker a peace treaty in order for everyone get along, even if it kills them. Pluto transits your sector of domestic desires until 21 December, when you lust after that new Nigella Lawson Flameware Buffet that gets you hot and bothered under the apron. Expect to receive motorised kitchen gadgets as gifts this Christmas, which you use in bold and innovative ways. 
Libra Christmas gifts: Moet & Chandon Brut, Cubist art, Bauhaus furniture

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Peeps shouldn’t expect gifts from you tight-arse Scorpions this month, when Mercury takes a backward spin with your money until mid-December. The world can always count on a sneering Scorpio stooge to ruin Christmas. This year is no exception. Expect to spend 25 December under your favourite rock with a couple of gnats and armpit bacteria for company. Sounds promising. 
Scorpio Christmas gifts: leather cat suit, fishnet stockings, studded dog collar

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
It may be asking the impossible, but shopaholic Sagittarians need to control their spending during the post-Christmas sales at Corporate Scum department stores as of 31 December. Keep your dosh in your pocket; you will need it to see in the New Year, when too much Jatz ’n’ Carona is barely enough. Mercury retrogrades in your sign until mid-December, so be wary of maddening the Scrooges with your jovial Jupiter cheer. Not everyone is up for a day of eating trillions of mince pies with honey-glazed ham, and receiving Danoz Direct merchandise as presents, although that kinda thing may appeal to Bert Newton. 
Sagittarius Christmas gifts: Harley-Davidson Softail, round-the-world ticket, denim

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
This month sees you Goats racing to Coles for John Frieda hair products to compliment the ‘love yourself, you’re worth it’ transit which ends on 21 December. You end up looking like a Garnier hair ad, which contradicts your ‘go natural’ health and beauty philosophy. Mercury triggers your spirituality zone throughout December, prompting you to yodel Yuletide carols in a Celtic dialect not used since the coronation of Robert the Bruce. Peeps believe that you’re going mad, but that only happens under a Moon-Uranus transit. 
Capricorn Christmas gifts: cash, cash, and more cash

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
The social back flip Mercury took recently reaches great heights this month and crash lands into your Ego on 14 December.  This race to the bottom propels you to rethink how you can be a better friend to others. Baking a few trays of Christmas rum balls with brandy butter is a good start. Venus visits your spiritual sector until 21 December, and you devote an altar of patchouli soy candles and sandalwood joss sticks in your living space to the most divine entity in your Universe: you. 
Aquarius Christmas gifts: home laboratory kit, periodic table, music by John Cage

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Mellow Pisces, just when you thought you could chill through the end-of-year holidays, Mercury decides to spend time in your career zone until the first week of January 2012. You’ll be one of those losers working on Christmas eve, while the great unwashed get smashed and start brawling in a pub somewhere in The Rocks. Venus visits your sector of groups until 21 December, generating compassion towards the marginalised who will be spending Christmas alone. You end up volunteering at the Wayside Chapel soup kitchen, avoiding your boorish bourgeois family on the most stressful day of the year. It’s like the Age of Pisces all over again. 
Pisces Christmas gifts: Kava, tropical fish, hemp sandals

11/11/11: A Date with Destiny?

A lot of malarkey has been generated about the dates 1/1/11, 11/1/11, 1/11/11, and 11/11/11 that, on writing, I can’t recall one embellished story. I’m sure they will come to me when I’m hoovering my flat or washing the dishes. I can only share my own research and experience of these cosmic numeric patterns that supposedly promise luck and wealth, trigger monsoons and tsunamis, prompt the end of the world, drop the hoe of your dreams into your bed, etcetera, etcetera …

I write about the 11/11/11 experience from an astrological viewpoint, of course, with smatterings of numerology thrown in. I’m not a numerologist, not by any stretch, but what I do know of that arcane science goes a fair way to explaining why today’s date is significant to those on the esoteric path.

The number 11 in numerology inherits a high level of spirituality, offering humankind the potential to develop their metaphysical faculties. The 11 brings an awareness of mystical forces which express themselves through clairvoyance, intuition, spiritual healing, and meditation. Material life becomes meaningless, but we have to learn to balance this with the ideal. Spiritual values are of little merit unless they can be transmitted into practical application. The challenge for us mortals could well be to practice leading a sacred life regardless of how interlocked we imagine ourselves to be in materialism.

The Full Moon in Taurus coincides with this date. The purpose of a Full Moon is to highlight issues that need addressing. There is a build-up of energy, accumulated since the New Moon approximately three weeks prior. By the Full Moon phase, this energy is ready to be released to spirit. With Taurus in the picture, luxury and decadent pleasures become the focus, especially after an extreme couple of weeks of sex, power, and money issues via the Sun in Scorpio. With the initiating number one appearing as an 11/11/11 pattern, stopping to smell the roses takes on a life-or-death urgency, so rush to relax, folks.

On a higher level, today is an excellent time to initiate change through meditation. Beginning new projects or starting again with ventures that have failed previously have opportunities to succeed. The number 11 symbolises the divine force that protects and nudges us in the right direction, but only if we relinquish control and keep an open mind.

However, I do advise that you read the mystic warning label stuck to the bottom of the metaphorical tin: careful what you wish for … you may actually get it.

Astro Shite for November 2011

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Your plans for Another Bloody Cathedral tour of Europe will be delayed between 3 and 27 November, when Mercury retrogrades through your travel sector. Double and triple check travel arrangements to confirm that you haven’t booked the Blue Rinse excursion to the Rhine Valley. You may be stranded at various airports in exotic locations all month, so pack extra zine reading material, and avoid unwashed gypsy kids flapping pieces of cardboard in your direction.
Aries essential viewing: Apocalypse Now (1979)

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Fickle Mercury’s retrograde motion in your shared money zone from 24 November could create delays with debt repayments. Use this period to discuss the finer details of pooled resources before the loan shark dismembers your right arm and sets fire to your garage. Avoid borrowing from this meathead; it’s far better to be broke and have both arms intact than to be packed as bite-size chunks in the deep freezer at Pyrmont Fish Market. You will be glad to know that the Full Moon in Taurus on 11 November brings abundance. Note the date – 11/11/11 – this is a perfect time to meditate if you want to attract the good things in life like Thai fish cakes with pickled cucumber. Mmmmmm …
Taurus essential viewing: La Grande Bouffe (1973)

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Your primary relationship needs reworking this month, Gemini. You question the higher purpose of your union, and conclude that it isn’t all about sex and money. Speaking of dosh, Pluto triggers your financial zone on 22 November, and you win eight bucks on the Instant Scratchies. Your accountant advises on the best way to invest this windfall as your eyes glaze over and you are teleported to another solar system. Venus makes a trip to your love zone between 3 and 27 November. This planet prefers pleasure rather than practicality, so do the deed in the Hyatt Regency penthouse for a change. The AV Jennings display home in Castle Hill is getting kinda boring as a shag den.
Gemini essential viewing: The Crying Game (1992)

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Health and well being are the focus this month, Cancer. You imagine that you have a plethora of ailments that can only distress the characters of Oliver Twist and Bleak House. Your period of hypochondria lasts until 22 November, when the Sun provides power to boost your immune system. Venus triggers your relationship sector from 27 November. You will have opportunities to increase the amount of lovin’ you get in your life now, so don’t blow it by being an insipid sod. You will be at your most attractive under this transit, and are mistaken for a famous nobody with an eating disorder.
Cancer essential viewing: Cries and Whispers (1972)

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
This month an adventurous spirit takes you into unexplored territories like the Afro tropic eco-zone; terrain that David Attenborough may have covered during the Ice Age. Mars keeps you keen and mean until 12 November. Peeps find you too hot to handle under this transit. Ouch! Venus triggers your creativity zone between 3 and 27 November. Relaxing is the key to creative inspiration, so start zine-ing in your undies from the comfort of a banana chair while sipping pina coladas and sculling absinthe. After getting shit-faced on cheap cocktails and grande wormwood, the hooey-humbug-hokum of your hand drawings evolves into a respectable zine that you’re too legless to photocopy at Officeworks. Damn the Green Fairy.
Leo essential viewing: Sunset Boulevard (1950)

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Virgo, this month you will be sensitive to the moods of your ruling planet, Mercury. He spends three weeks retrograde each year, giving you a few chances to hit pause and chill out. Expect this to happen after 24 November. Remove your Duracell batteries and take a breather from polishing the skirting boards and shredding your old bank statements. Venus triggers your home zone between 3 and 27 November, propelling you to bring love into your Spanish villa from sleazy singles bars and dodgy internet chat rooms. Fortunately, the onslaught of crabs and scabies become too much for your anal-retentive ways that you quickly revert to Virgo type by the end of the month. Sterilised bed sheets rock!
Virgo essential viewing: Desk Set (1957)

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Libra, you will be absolutely fabulous this month when your ability to express yourself blossoms between 3 and 27 November. Librans love latching onto a cool social scene, and this transit brings opportunities to get out there and crash as many drag balls as you can handle. Confident Mars helps you win fans until 12 November, and like Groucho Marx, you find yourself joining clubs that you secretly don’t want to be part of. Never mind. Watch Paris Is Burning for fashion and make up tips, and transform yourself into the human mirror ball. You will make Venus Xtravaganza look like a fishmonger.
Libra essential viewing: Paris Is Burning (1990)

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Any positive health habits you implemented at the beginning of the year will pay off now. All that munching on wheat grass and guzzling of chlorophyll has your body functioning like a V8 engine on amphetamines.  Mars in your career sector this month makes it an ideal time to jump-start your career as a personal trainer, swimsuit model, or porn star. Venus arouses your need for beautiful things like Murano glass and Julio Iglesias between 3 and 27 November. Your eye is sharper than usual for spotting useless, overpriced crap as found in the boutique shops of Paddington and the Queen Victoria Building. You are on a quest under this transit to sought and purchase a Matt Blatt replica Kouichi Okamoto liquid wall lamp (whatever the hell that is) at any cost.
Scorpio essential viewing: Last Tango in Paris (1972)

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Sagittarius, you will flirt madly with anything that moves between 3 and 27 November when Venus joins your sign. Accept and cherish your ‘unique’ beauty because nobody else will. Believing that Roman noses and halitosis are making a comeback will go a long way to improving your sense of self-worth. As you get into the groove of loving who you are with the aid of sex toys, it becomes easier to improve the quality of romantic relationships with peeps (let’s not get into details). You will experience foot in mouth disease when Mercury retrogrades on 24 November, and you appear on a sexy episode of Crownies where you are charged with slander while wearing a figure-hugging garment and matching sling backs. The law maybe an ass, but at least yours is toned and firm. She’s lookin’ good, Vern.
Sagittarius essential viewing: Easy Rider (1969)

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Adventurous Mars arouses your restless spirit from 12 November, kick starting one of the strongest travel phases in 2011 for you Sea Goats. Taking the road less travelled actually helps you move forward without wearing a suit and tie from Roger David. Physical adventures like crocodile wrestling in Wangi Falls appeal to you now, so go for it! This is an ideal period for accumulating life experience, rather than material achievement, without wearing a suit and tie from Roger David. I can’t stress that enough.
Capricorn essential viewing: Citizen Kane (1941)

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
Your work life is in focus under the influence of the Sun until 24 November. You will impress your boss with your nauseating sycophantic ways, you grovelling git, you. Leonard Cohen was wrong: not everyone wants a box of chocolates and a long stemmed rose. Not even middle management. Venus transits your house of Facebook and Twitter between 3 and 27 November, so make your cyber friendships top priority before blabbermouth Mercury gets in on the act on 24 November and does a social networking back flip, exposing you for the total dick you truly are.
Aquarius essential viewing: The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Jerky Mercury stands still in your career sector at the end of the month, prompting you to postpone job hunting until mid-December when you receive support from the Universe to resume writing your resume. Your sexual perversions are under the spotlight from 12 November. Use this transit to spice up your banal love life by letting Mars show you the way. If you are a solo flying Piscean who has given up on romance, expect your luck to change this month. Face it; if a fat bogan like Shane Warne can pull a hot WAG like Elizabeth Hurley, there’s hope for the rest of us.
Pisces essential viewing: The Seventh Seal (1957)

Astro Shite for October 2011

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
The saying ‘money talks, bullshit walks’ will apply to you this month, Aries. Peeps are sick of seeing your head disappear up your arse every time you open your gob, so you give them your word and mean it, when airhead Mercury teams with sensible Saturn on 17 October. This transit highlights how important reliability is in relationships. The Full Moon in your sign on 12 October shifts the focus away from you and onto others. Selfish individualism maybe fashionable in the way nude planking and gluten-free cupcakes are, but it’s also one of the most unattractive human qualities. Show the world that you are more than a walking-talking Versace advert by being of service to others.
Compatible with: Leo, Sagittarius

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Venus in your relationship zone between 10 October and 3 November brings out your unbearably embarrassing horny side. This planet is about attraction, so now is a good time to get your lips pierced and your eyebrows professionally shaped Count Dracula style. Mercury triggers your relationship sector from 14 October, making communication with your hot-other-half painless. Taking time to talk about your private parts helps deepen the bond between you. The New Moon in your relationship sector on 27 October asks you to probe the depths of your soul and face your fears, that is, confront that sordid zine dude who sleazes around the swap meets you frequent, to going drinking schooners of blood together.
Compatible with: Virgo, Capricorn

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Gemini, this month you crave spiritual connection, especially between 24 and 31 October. You tire of listening to Yanni Live at the Acropolis on constant rotation, so you make plans to go to the real Acropolis for some divine Hellenic intervention and dolma. You just can’t get a decent plate of stuffed vine leaves back home. Responsibility to children surfaces between 14 and 17 October, when you are conned into reading Where’s Wally to a group of snotty-faced school kids at your local library, wishing that you were where Wally is, wherever that is.
Compatible with: Libra, Aquarius

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
The period between 24 October and 22 November is your most creative this year, Cancer. You will drum up the confidence to seek bolder avenues to promote those scratch ‘n’ sniff boards you’ve been working on. Forgo the one that stinks of Parmesan cheese; it really does reek of vomit. Mercury in your fifth house from 14 October helps liven up your serious side and gets you living from the heart in a puerile, pubescent way. This month, discard the working drone persona and believe in the power of playtime.
Compatible with: Scorpio, Pisces

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
The Sun in your home sector from 24 October sees you getting creative with the rented premises you share with other boneheads. Splurge on some fluro light bulbs and grind them into the fibro walls in cosmic patterns just for the hell of it. Venus in this sector of the chart helps you adopt a compromising attitude towards domestic concerns, making your commitment to a dishwashing roster rather enjoyable. Mercury triggers this space from 14 October, prompting the Mrs Nick Cave obsession of rearranging furniture to make the most of physical space. Yes folks, you read it here first: the Bad Seed is married to a flake.
Compatible with: Sagittarius, Aries

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Mercury in your third house of communication from 14 October will bring you a fertile zine-making phase. You will be at your most productive in a DIY sense at this time. This is exacerbated by the New Moon in Scorpio on 27 October. Under this transit, you will create the first silent-but-deadly zine, where your penetrating thoughts and ideas on sex, death, and the occult are communicated without writing anything down. This makes many Scorpio zinesters jealous. This month sees Virgo enjoying talents that our scorpion friends think are theirs by divine right. What tossers.
Compatible with: Capricorn, Taurus

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
If there is one thing that Librans love more than themselves in this life, it’s the moooooolah baby. This month sees your financial fetish soaring to the next level when Venus, Mercury and the Sun occupy your cash sector between 10 October and 22 November. Mercury’s influence throughout October helps you swindle your Centrelink interview in a notable fashion worthy of an Academy Award. The New Moon of 27 October is a great time to quit bludging and get a job pushing paper, coz that’s a goddamn meaningful and productive way to spend your days, yeah!
Compatible with: Aquarius, Gemini

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
This month sees the continuation of the love theme that has flavoured most of 2011 for you sexy Scorpio fiends. Jupiter trines Pluto on 24 October, helping you grow and transform like a pus-filled abscess on your arse. You make romantic relationship choices based on your deepest beliefs, which are depraved and illegal, and will probably get you arrested before the year is out. Nevertheless, you see the glass half full in relation to love this month, which is a refreshing change from your usual bitchy, bleating, boring self.
Compatible with: Pisces, Cancer

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Key dates for socialising Sagittarians this month are 14 and 17 October, so get your gold lame straight jacket dry-cleaned and ready for events occurring on or around these dates. It will make the cops’ job more efficient when they’re ramming your booze-filled carcass into the back of the paddy wagon. Devote some time to exploring the mysteries of life this month. Mercury in your spirituality zone from 14 October has you yearning for new age books with titles like Receive the Divine by Closing Your Legs and Opening Your Third Eye, although I’m sure that bestseller has been out of print for some time.
Compatible with: Aries, Leo

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Capricorn, you will be at your most social this month, when Venus, Mercury and the Sun trigger your friendship sector. Loyalty is one of the most important qualities you look for in friends. You prefer a small, close group of peeps with whom you stay in touch with over the course of your life, as opposed to superficially collecting Facebook friends who clog your news feed with updates of when and where they farted, and how it made it to News of the World despite the phone hacking scandal. You develop a deep curiosity about your mates’ lives under Mercury’s influence from 14 October. Your friends appreciate your interest, but you are just playing the dutiful, reliable Sea Goat with a bit of inquisitiveness thrown in.
Compatible with: Taurus, Virgo

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
October is a quiet month, cosmically, for most Aquarians. This puts a dent in your social calendar, as most Water Bearers need to be where the action is. You will have to wait until the end of the month for any significant astrological encounters to occur. The New Moon in your public sector on 27 October has your wide-angle-lens-butt back on the cover of Hollywood Celebrity Bogans magazine, which infuriates Bum Queen, Kim Kardashian, and her Scorpio-control-freak-of-a-mother, Kris Jenner, but them’s the breaks, kiddo.
Compatible with: Gemini, Libra

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Pisces, get ready for action this month. Your most adventurous period this year runs from 14 October to 24 November when Mercury, Venus, and the Sun energise your travel sector. You crave meaningful experiences under this transit, and end up on a rooftop on the Rooftop of the World - Tibet. The view is more impressive than the one of the footy oval from your Aunt Beryl’s on-suite bathroom in Wangaratta, and that’s saying something. Mercury helps you broaden your mind this month; you acquire concrete evidence of how wonderful, diverse, complex, and tragic the world really is. It beats going to Budgewoi for your Christmas holidays.
Compatible with: Cancer, Scorpio