Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Thanks to Uranus in Aries, you will be trailblazer extraordinaire in 2012. This is nothing new for Aries peeps, as standing out from the crowd is a full time occupation for the Ram. Pluto dominates your career sector this year. Expressing your power in an irritating and bombastic fashion will boost your prospects for career advancement. It maybe the end of the world for those wimpy Piscean types, but you will embark on creating another Universe with the aid of your iPhone, a couple of tectonic plates, and one kilo of Vittoria coffee beans. Good luck to ya!
Aries groovers ‘n’ shakers: Ian McKaye, Angus Young, Frank Black
Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
This year Jupiter gives you Taureans a cosmic-kick-in-the-rear to get off the couch and show the world what you’re worth. Gocco that zine. Attend a swap meet or two. Get a life. While this may be overwhelming for most Bulls, Jupiter in your sign demands that you put your needs first. The combination of Jupiter and Taurus heightens self-indulgence, so expect to battle the bulge in 2012 with virtual gastric banding and cyber-celebrity colonic irrigation through the nose. Severe or what?
Taurus groovers ‘n’ shakers: Ace Frehley, Sid Vicious, Joey Ramone
Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Jupiter will enter your sign in mid-2012 kick starting a twelve-month cycle of growth in the areas of travel and teaching – the stuff that comes naturally to the winged messenger. Neptune settles into your career zone in February for fourteen years of occupational confusion. A new professional era begins when you mistake the Docucenter III C3100 copier for that boring English art rock band, 10cc – a faux pas you will never live down in this town, bro’.
Gemini groovers ‘n’ shakers: Paul Weller, Siouxsie Sioux, Morrissey
Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
With Mars moving through the lower half of your chart in 2012, devote time to exploring your inner self with the stainless steel Coddington magnifier, and reach the unexplored areas of the human body … um … psyche. Freud would approve. The year brings quirky and stimulating work opportunities when Mercury joins Uranus in your career zone three times throughout 2012. It may be death-by-administration for the rest of the zodiac, but Cancerians get a crack at Following Their Bliss, compliments of the Universe.
Cancer groovers ‘n’ shakers: Woody Guthrie, Glenn Danzig, Bon Scott
Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Expansive Jupiter continues to offer Leo a range of professional adventures beyond the confines of office partitions and beige ergonomic furniture in 2012. Do you ever see fellow Lion Mick Jagger stressing over flex-sheets and pie charts while counting the hours to Beer O’clock? Of course not. Expect nothing less than glamour and bonuses this year. Mercury’s drawn-out stay in your sign highlights self-expression, so hit the Rizzeria with serious two-colour printing on Stonehenge paper (or whatever criteria zinesters need to fulfil in order to enter the Kingdom of Zine Land).
Leo groovers ‘n’ shakers: Mick Jagger, Joe Strummer, Bruce Dickinson
Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
The first half of 2012 sees Mars visiting your sign for much needed dutch courage and assertiveness. This year rediscover forgotten passions (and I don’t mean re-arranging the bottom draw for the eighty-ninth time). Your career zone is one of your most activated charts areas in 2012, with Jupiter and Venus demanding that you re-brand yourself like Coca-Cola or Lady Gaga. I could suggest wearing a loin beef jumpsuit with crispy bacon trimming for public appearances, but that may offend your vegan-macrobiotic sensibilities. You will review your professional direction mid-year and question your soul purpose. Wearing a tofu and chickpea kaftan will provide answers to life’s big questions.
Virgo groovers ‘n’ shakers: John Cage, Gene Simmons, Nick Cave
Libra (23 September to 23 October)
The good news for Libra is that Saturn will leave your sign this year. The bad news is that he will take until October to do it. Under Saturn’s two-year occupation, there have been moments of, well, moments. His focus on reality has forced you to deal with things that you would rather sweep under that multi-coloured Moroccan rug you bought on eBay. Nevertheless, you have become strong and self-sufficient under this transit. Finalise any major life restructuring before early October. Only then will you be free to mindlessly shop and network like the peacock you are.
Libra groovers ‘n’ shakers: John Lennon, Lux Interior, Brian Eno
Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Most Scorpios will agree that they are currently enjoying an unrestrained hot ‘n’ sexy transit. I hate to burst the bubble, but that will change in the second half of 2012 when Saturn leaves Libra and enters your sign for two years. Saturn visits the constellation of Scorpio once every thirty years, making late 2012 and 2013 significant in a stodgy-John-Howard-way. When this transit kicks in, Scorpions will need to focus on improving their economic situation or die. Getting your financial act together amidst having sex 145782, 079456, 9874 times a day will be the great Scorpio challenge in 2012.
Scorpio groovers ‘n’ shakers: Kathleen Hanna, Rowland S Howard, Johnny Marr
Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
The Gods demand that you detox in the first half of 2012. Your liver has taken a beating Sagittarius-style, and it’s crucial that your body be in peak performance for the second half of the year, when you focus on expanding your dream of seeing the world through the rear-view mirror of your Harley Davidson. Mars’ extended stay in your professional zone helps you power your career by riding the beast through the lush foyers and reception areas of many corporations. It will be a year of beginnings when you are repeatedly charged with damaging commercial property and causing stress to concierges around the central business district.
Sagittarius groovers ‘n’ shakers: Frank Zappa, J Mascis, Tom Waits
Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Pluto’s extended visit through your sign is supported by the transits of Jupiter and Saturn in 2012.This is an intense period of self-examination, but let’s not go there. You will put big panties on and face your darkness. Doing this will release its hold over you. The period of bitching ‘n’ moaning about your day job ends in October when Saturn leaves your career sector. Continue to apply effort towards achieving professional goals until then, twice daily with food or as directed by your healthcare practitioner.
Capricorn groovers ‘n’ shakers: Captain Beefheart, David Bowie, Blixa Bargeld
Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
Confusing Neptune leaves your sign in February. This year will bring a revitalised outlook on life for many Aquarians. You are no longer at sea with the Dugongs. 2012 is about discovering and accepting who you are. Saturn helps redefine your identity in the world from October in a mature way. You finally remove that 80s stacked mullet profile photo from Facebook, and replace it with a softer image of you modelling Holeproof Underdaks.
Aquarius groovers ‘n’ shakers: Malcolm McLaren, John Lydon, Jim Thirlwell
Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
You will be in your element in 2012 when Neptune settles into your sign in February for a fourteen-year stay. Pisceans will be at one with the Muses, who wisely ban Ugg boots, tracksuit pants, and Nickelback from entering the sacred realm. Ignoring your spiritual or creative dreams is not an option under Neptune. Your journey from 2012 onwards requires that you work with spirit, not in a call centre or a kebab shop.
Pisces groovers ‘n’ shakers: Johnny Cash, Nina Hagen, Lou Reed