Aries (21 March to 20 April)
The New Moon in your sign on 23 March marks the astrological New Year, making this an important time for you to set goals for the next twelve months. Its alignment with radical Uranus brings opportunities for freedom; something that the solo-flying Ram welcomes. Mind your language around the easily offended when Mercury retrogrades in your sign from 11 March. You will be telling peeps Exactly How It Is. Venus and Jupiter align on 14 March releasing positive money energy. You will have Hey Big Spender by Shirley Bassey on rotation for most of the month.
Aries turn-ons: blondes, tans, athletes
Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Taureans will feel the love this month when Venus enters your sign on 6 March, enhancing your powers of attraction and ramping up your sex appeal. Venus enjoys pleasure, and its placement in Taurus exacerbates the need to indulge in all things beautiful. Jupiter and Venus join mid-March to heighten an already hedonist phase. Others look on in envy as you savour the gifts from the Universe. Lucky sod.
Taurus turn-ons: solid builds, dark features, older lovers
Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
The saying ‘let go, let God’ will have meaning this month when the South Node energises your sign from 4 March. Daggy and dated Hermes baggage from your past will emerge. Learn to release negative habits that keep you stuck, like purchasing over-priced travel luggage. Venus joins Jupiter in your spiritual sector from 5 March. Body therapy, such as deep tissue massage, keeps you centred, but only because it’s physical torture disguised as healing.
Gemini turn-ons: redheads, mind games, intelligence
Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Your working life will have that Dinosaur Jr slow/fast thing happening when Mercury visits your career sector between 10 and 23 March and does the backward shuffle. Be patient with career goals. The mountain will come to you. Mercury aligns with Uranus on 6 and 18 March, and only then will you have insights into your true vocation. Venus joins Jupiter in your social sector from 5 March. A generous gesture towards a friend cements your reputation as the Caring Cancerian, but only for this month.
Cancer turn-ons: breasts, spooning, nuzzling
Leo (21 July to 21 August)
This month, unleash your inner James Dean with some help from the Sun and Uranus. You become fed up with routine and photocopy your bum on the C3100 copier out of frustration. Fortunately, Mercury arouses your interest about the world between 3 and 23 March. This is an ideal time to make travel arrangements to explore destinations free of office equipment.
Leo turn-ons: silk sheets, lingerie, exhibitionism
Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Brainy Virgos will stretch their minds when Venus joins Jupiter from 5 March, aligning on 14 March in the ninth house of higher learning. If you’re frustrated by the dumbing-down of … well … everything, now is an ideal time to explore academic possibilities. Learning for learning’s sake: quite a radical concept in the new millennium, don’t you think?
Virgo turn-ons: clean bed linen, cotton undies, massages
Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Jupiter aligns with Pluto between 11 and 16 March, highlighting the connection between finances and your living situation. Now is the time to upgrade from couch surfing and drinking VB to living in style in the granny flat at the back of your folk’s place. The New Moon in your love sector on 23 March triggers a New Romantics cycle, where you don pirate pants and dramatic eye make-up to impress your lover. They have you detained for insanity.
Libra turn-ons: conventional beauty, romance novels, artists
Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Love goddess Venus joins Jupiter in your relationship sector from 5 March enhancing your animal appeal. Watch out world! Scorpio on heat sure ain’t pretty. This combination of Venus and Jupiter in your seventh house occurs once every twelve years, making March a great time for getting laid. Your powers of attraction are at their sharpest on 14 March. Avoid uptight Virgos and stray sheep at this time.
Scorpio turn-ons: body hair, s + m, porn
Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
The period 11 to 16 March is a great time for Sagittarians to trim the fat, both physically and metaphorically. Jupiter and Pluto help ground you frolicsome Centaurs by focusing on boring responsibilities such as work and wellbeing. Before your eyes glaze over and you fall into a deep coma, remember that overhauling your daily rituals improves the big picture of your lives.
Sagittarius turn-ons: foreigners, public sex, polygamy
Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Capricorn, this month you will learn to live in the moment with the help of Jupiter and Pluto, especially between 11 and 16 March. Finally, you release those stodgy beliefs about ambition and re-connect with your creativity. Mercury aligns with Uranus on 6 and 18 March, and you reconsider your current living arrangements. You have romantic notions of living up a tree or in a cave like a Neanderthal. You build a legend around your lifestyle to rival The Yeti and Bigfoot.
Capricorn turn-ons: age differences, suits, discipline
Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
March 6 and 8 are key dates for outside-the-square Aquarian mental breakthroughs. Deceptive Mercury takes a backward step with your money after 23 March. Avoid geezers with gold dentures and dubious Cockney accents selling hot items off the back of trucks. Keep your money in your pocket. This is the month to take second chances on missed opportunities in late 2011, but the Universe does its best Ray Winstone accent, and warns you not to stuff it up this time, mate.
Aquarius turn-ons: kink, tattoos & piercings, activists
Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Important planetary oppositions highlight your love sector this month. You focus on give and take in your relationships between 4 and 8 March. Pisceans are archetypal martyrs, so let your partner reciprocate for a change. Mercury gives you ideas on how to be creative with your money. Uranus joins him on 6 and 18 March for serious fiscal risk-taking. Read the fine print, or your dough will resemble that crappy Elvis Presley film Easy Come, Easy Go.
Pisces turn-ons: feet, narcotics, sensitivity