Aries
2013 is the ‘go for it’ year. Your ruling planet Mars charges full steam ahead with a head full of steam. Physical energy peaks under the Mars-Uranus combo, especially during March and April. Career transformations are likely, but don’t sacrifice personal freedom for power. Consider the desperate-for-attention knobs like Delta Goodrem and Seal who clog the cameras on The Voice; it’s only fame that makes them beautiful. Uranus demands that you forge a path for yourself without surrendering to all things McShit.
Aries heavy metal: Iron
Taurus
In true Taurean form, progress will be slow but steady this year. You start 2013 by releasing the past and renewing your enthusiasm for professional plans. Begin new projects like experimenting with that bad-ass fine hair colour that washes out in ten shampoos and stains your pillow. Bitchin. The May Solar eclipse in your sign is an ideal time to re-organise your physical space. De-clutter to shift energy, and see what the Universe lets in … I’ll leave it at that.
Taurus heavy metal: Copper
Gemini
Jupiter continues the good times by flirting madly in your sign until 26 June. Cut the cheesy pick-up lines; the Gods want you to maximise the opportunities they allotted you in mid-2012. Mars arouses your passion for living life fully like Gemini Russell Brand, or some twit like that. Taking risks during May and June will pay-off. Networking and effective communication skills are your tools for achieving success and popularity in 2013. Revise long term career goals, and overhaul your budget and hygiene habits for an all-round victory.
Gemini heavy metal: Silver
Cancer
A twelve-year cycle of growth and opportunity begins on 26 June, when Jupiter enters you sign and stays put until mid-2014. Cultivate big-picture dreams under this transit. August’s Jupiter-Uranus link stimulates your professional sector. Confidence deepens the more you use Colgate’s plaque-removing toothpaste before job interviews. By the end of the year, the doors of perception will be cleansed with Windex and you’ll see things as they truly are: mediocre. Stay focused on long-term visions without the aid of Nurofen or magic mushrooms.
Cancer heavy metal: Silver
Leo
Progress will be powerful this year, thanks to Mars’ return to your sign after a two-year hiatus. Your drive peaks between August and October, making 2013 the year to hit the gym and work on developing your physical, psychological, and emotional strengths. You end up looking like Anthony Mundine, but nobody has the guts to say that to your face. Saturn forces you to reflect on the period between 2005 and 2007. Review the triumphs and failures of that particular phase, and re-establish your goals. Life direction dreams will be vivid during the May Solar eclipse, after consuming a toasted cheese sandwich or two.
Leo heavy metal: Gold
Virgo
2013 is the year of Mastery, where language, self-expression, and wisdom are key themes. Saturn encourages you to write, teach, study, or do all three while maintaining the Sirsasana position. Career growth is likely through the first six months, while friendships and community connections dominate your time from July onwards. There’ll be a shift in energy mid-year when your ruling planet, Mercury, peaks in May-June and August-September. These are the periods when you make a lasting impression in the public realm, so wax and polish those pins before you attempt an Iyengar-inspired headstand.
Virgo heavy metal: Silver
Libra
Mars helps you reconnect with the world after your gruelling stint under Saturn’s two-year transit. You have spent this time discovering your truth, now the Universe asks that you share it with others. Your professional life takes centre stage as Jupiter, Mars, and Mercury fuel you career zone in the second half of 2013. Extend yourself professionally, but not before you extend yourself personally with one of those gadgets advertised on spam email.
Libra heavy metal: Copper
Scorpio
2013 will be an intense year of self-development, thanks to Saturn lurching in your sign like Lurch from the Addams Family. Establish a solid foundation for yourself by pouring concrete around your feet. The Sun and Mars invigorate your career house mid-year. Look for new professional challenges that suit your creepy and anti-social nature. Drive to succeed, but take the bus to work. Early November sees you reaching a turning point involving your past and your future. Throw salt over your shoulder and don’t look back.
Scorpio heavy metal: Iron
Sagittarius
This year, lift the lid on that Pandora’s Box of mysteries by delving into esoteric subjects like spiritualism, mysticism, lesbianism, and gigantism. Jupiter and Saturn stimulate your eighth and second houses mid-year. This will generate a change in atmosphere and hair styles. Try to avoid wardrobe malfunctions then. Don’t be afraid of the tumult swirling around you in 2013; it is only introspective energy embedding itself in your consciousness. New experiences come easily after September for reasons for which I couldn’t be arsed to research.
Sagittarius heavy metal: Tin
Capricorn
Jupiter continues to drive your sixth house activities until 26 June. Routine will dominate your life until then. Prioritise time to practise your lunges, eat your greens, and floss your teeth. Learn to unwind mentally by mastering the disciplines of yoga, meditation, and Xbox. Venus assists with revamping your personal style by binning those MC Hammer pants you bought at that Kyogle garage sale in 1993.
Capricorn heavy metal: Lead
Aquarius
This is the year to restructure your career and life direction. Mars lights your fire and your relationship zone for the first time in two years, while Saturn asks that you reassess professional goals. Links from Jupiter and Neptune to Saturn make July a turning point; the glass ceiling shatters and you are free to climb the career ladder. Avoid watching Hitchcock’s classic film, Vertigo, at this time. Consider where you would like to be in the next seven years and structure your life accordingly.
Aquarius heavy metal: Lead
Pisces
You’ll experience 2013 through a soft focus lens, thanks to Neptune smearing your sign with gas, oil, and other slimy liquids. Connect with divine guidance through the methods of chanting, toning, and one-hand clapping. The grand water trine mid-year is when you realise your creative talents, but you may need a cosmic kick in the butt to activate them. The May eclipse brings clarity to your professional path by blowing away the leaves with one of those over sized hair dryers that Costa Georgiadis likes to use in his garden and on his hair.
Pisces heavy metal: Tin
