The Full Moon in Scorpio on 6 May has you probing the subconscious, where life is murky-yucky-scary. You are out of your depth in this house, preferring the security of cage fighting or nude skydiving. Mercury moves into your money sector mid-May. You bore the peeps with talk of get-rich-quick schemes. Fortunately, the winged messenger flies into your communication house on 25 May where he feels at home talking prattle. The New Moon eclipse after the MCA Zine Fair on 21 May brings you success in the zine world. Every New Moon represents the potential for the birth of something new; it’s about time you re-discovered the joy of DIY.
Aries thespian: John Gielgud
Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Taurus, you’ll be glad to know that this month is about review rather than initiation. Venus turns retrograde from 14 May in your financial sector, forcing you to slow down and observe how skint and desperate you are. Looking back at major events in May/June 2004 gives clues to how you became a loser and a disgrace to the human race. Experience delays in Centrelink and zine distro payments. Just when you thought you could burrow into that groaning tub of Baskin Robbins, the Full Moon in your relationship sector on 6 May sends you an intense and confronting super-sexy peep who will force you to face your hidden motives and desires. Don’t you just hate that?
Taurus thespian: Al Pacino
Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Venus retrogrades in your sign between 14 May and 26 June, retracing cosmic ground she covered in May/June 2004. What have you learned since then? Nothing. How have you grown? Flabby. This month, get introspective and prepare for the next eight-year love cycle by enduring a back, sack, and crack wax. The New Moon eclipse in your sign on 21 May triggers the birth of a DIY project with heart. The appearance of Mercury in Gemini on 25 May consolidates its success. Jupiter gets in on the act, allowing for the expansion of ideas and opportunities to go further than your tiny mind can handle.
Gemini thespian: Ian McKellen
Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Venus moves backwards in your spirituality zone from 14 May, keeping you housebound in Lowes boxer shorts and a threadbare Black Sabbath t-shirt. Your physical energy is low, your speech is slurred, and your eyeliner is smeared. You are mistaken for Ozzy Osbourne on day release. Your focus shifts inwards as you revisit esoteric rituals from May/June 2004 that involved playing death metal records backwards. Spooky. Mercury’s influence at the end of the month has you craving knowledge about the ways in which you can express yourself spiritually without listening to crappy music. Mastering the mind is the key to developing your understanding of mysticism.
Cancer thespian: Meryl Streep
Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Adventure is the key to success this month, Leo. Your self-confidence soars after 14 May when the Sun and Jupiter join, helping you gain momentum in the professional arena. The peeps love your grandiloquent style as you expand beyond your comfort zone and make a total tool of yourself. God knows how you will handle the Venus retrograde transit through your party sector. This will be a quiet time socially, so put away your star-spangled g-string and reassess your friendships. Fortunately, the New Moon eclipse invigorates your social life from 21 May, so you’ll be twirling those titty tassels in no time.
Leo thespian: Helen Mirren
Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Venus’ retrograde motion shows a link between work-life balance themes from May/June 2004 with mid-2012. Use this period to review career experiences from the previous eight years. Have you fulfilled your professional goals or has it been a decade of ‘same shit different day’? What changes can you implement to achieve world domination over the next eight years? You ponder these questions while waiting in the Centrelink queue, listening to One Direction on your iWank. The War Against The Poor continues when the New Moon eclipse on 21 May brings you a work-for-the-dole project that gets Nick Minchin sniggering and snorting like the smug Fascist pig that he is.
Virgo thespian: Jeremy Irons
Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Libra, this month is about being a well dressed traveller. There’s nothing accidental about this tourist, darling. The Venus retrograde slows down your trek through the Sistema Penibetico mountain range, so that your almond coloured Chinos remain fresh and crumple-free. The Universe is so thoughtful. You revisit favourite peeps and places and savour the experience without documenting it on Facebook or Flickr. The New Moon eclipse on 21 May coupled with Mercury’s entry into your travel sector brings you high adventure with the shepherd in the Sherpa jacket you see grazing beyond the camping grounds of the
Libra thespian: Catherine Deneuve
Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
A solar eclipse in your eighth house on 21 May heralds the start of a new financial cycle. This will make many Scorpions happy as money is up there with sex, vengeance, and perspiration. Mercury stimulates your curiosity about fiscal information that even humdrum tax accountants look sexually enticing without your beer goggles. This transit connects you with the right peeps to help overhaul your dire debt position. The intense Full Moon in your sign on 6 May encourages you to probe the surface of life and wade through the sewer that is your subconscious. You just wouldn’t be Scorpio without regular confrontations of absolute truths.
Scorpio thespian: Katherine Hepburn
Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Sagittarius, sometimes love means having to say you’re sorry. Venus’ extended visit in your relationship sector coincides with one of her rare retrograde cycles between 14 May and 26 June. Expect misunderstandings with your partner to occur. They finally realise that you’re a useless fat turkey who needs stuffing. A New Moon eclipse on 21 May heralds a new cycle where love themes from May/June 2004 resurface. Now is the time to make peace with your past and move forward with your romantic future by destroying those Polaroids of a nude you covered in fairy floss and ostrich feathers. The barriers that have been blocking your amorous progress will lift.
Sagittarius thespian: Judi Dench
Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Capricorn, you won’t be feeling the love at work this month when Venus retrogrades in your house of routine between 14 May and 26 June. Before flinging your Filofax Organiser out the window, wait! The New Moon eclipse on 21 May brings a long awaited professional breakthrough. The alignment with Jupiter shows you career possibilities beyond the bored room. Mercury accelerates your chances for stimulating work at the end of the month when you are blessed with the gift of the gab and swindle your way into the corporate world with jargon such as ‘open the kimono’, ‘sweat the assets’, and ‘bottom out’. Sounds kinda saucy, doesn’t it?
Capricorn thespian: Anthony Hopkins
Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
You will be adopting a playful, child-like approach to life this month, Aquarius. This meshes well with your puerile personality and intolerable behaviour. The New Moon on 21 May triggers the start of a new cycle in self-expression where you reconnect with forgotten creative passions. Mercury trines your Sun from 25 May and you will be zine-ing from the right side of the brain with ease. Expect primitive crayon drawings with gold stars and coloured pipe cleaners to emerge from this fertile period.
Aquarius thespian: Vanessa Redgrave
Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
The Full Moon in Scorpio on 6 May has you probing the deep questions of life whereby you seek the advice of sages with names like Deepak, Tupak, and Multipak. Mercury gives you plenty of ideas of how to spend your dosh in the first week of May, but is rebuked by lesson master Saturn who constantly reminds you of commitments to debt, taxes, HECS, Newstart, and other boring left brain stuff. Venus retrogrades through your domestic sector from 14 May, politely asking you to change the bed sheets and air the bedroom; chores that you haven’t tackled since the May/June 2004 planetary cycle. Yuk!
Pisces thespian: Michael Caine