Friday, June 1, 2012

Astro Shite for June 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Jupiter leaves your money sector on 11 June. Financial projects begun under the giant planet’s influence will bear fruit in the second half of 2012 and beyond. Venus, Mercury and the Sun energise your domestic house from 7 June making mid-year the best time to kiss and make up with your family and relos. Mercury helps you discuss awkward issues with la familia between 7 and 26 June. It’s like The Sopranos without the blood splats. The Sun’s influence at the end of the month propels you to withdraw from the world, so curl up with some choice zines and a hot cup of Ecco.
Aries body parts: head, brain, eyes

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
The bounty of the cosmos of which you have been enjoying since June last year will end on 11 June. The good news is that Jupiter will move into your second house of finance and remain there until 26 June 2013, generating wealth. This is a good time to undertake that Peter Costello-approved economics degree. You’ll be equipped to handle large sums of cash because of this quality training. Mercury enters your domestic zone at the end of the month, connecting you to trades people wearing ridiculously small King Gee drawstring drill shorts. There will be a flow of sparkies, plumbers, and pool cleaners throughout your home resolving DIY dramas of the Bunnings variety.
Taurus body parts: neck, throat, ears

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Jupiter enters Gemini on 11 June starting a twelve-month cycle of expansion. You will find Indiana Jones-style adventure appealing as you reminisce about the experiences taken during Jupiter’s last visit to your sign in 2000/2001. This transit brings second chances with pipe dreams that didn’t materialise. Expect new patterns and behaviours in love to emerge in the last week of June. The Universe is telling you that in order to keep the hot peeps interested you will need to quit pissing on the bathroom mat and farting in bed. Damn. The North Node’s influence comes to a peak under the lunar eclipse on 4 June, releasing fear from past relationships (gotta love those restraining orders).
Gemini body parts: hands, arms, lungs

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
A new cycle of spiritual growth begins with the occultation of Venus on 6 June and compounded by Jupiter’s entry in your esoteric zone on 11 June. The second half of 2012 will have a chilled-out vibe as you retreat from the madness of the world by dropping acid to Russell Morris’ The Real Thing while being teleported to 1969. Be the twenty-first century radical and do less; you’ll be grateful in your old age that you didn’t work so hard. Your caring nature and calming words will soothe a friend in crisis when Mercury nests in your sign between 8 and 26 June.
Cancer body parts: chest, breasts, stomach

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
The professional adventures of the last twelve months will end on 11 June. This is either a blessing or a curse depending on your situation. The office dramas have been colossal, the wages minimal, and the Arnott’s biscuit tin barren. Thank the Universe that you will not be drinking watered-down No Frills instant coffee for a while. Mercury enters your sign on 26 June so you’ll be documenting your woeful tales of the nine-to-five in a zine. The Sun and Venus join on 6 June to expand your flagging social life. Jupiter’s entry in your eleventh house on 11 June generates quality friendship time that will last twelve months. Curious Mercury arouses the yearning to explore the mysteries of life between 7 and 26 June by burrowing through the works of Joseph Campbell. Face it; there’s dick-all esotericism in The Da Vinci Code.
Leo body parts: heart, spine, upper back

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Jupiter enters your professional sector on 11 June for the first time in twelve years. Your public life will take precedence over the next twelve months as you morph into the zine world’s answer to Jennifer Aniston, shiny hair ‘n’ all. The second half of 2012 is ideal for undertaking professional training that will help you reach those large scale zine dreams of yours. The Full Moon eclipse in your fourth house on 4 June spells the truth about home renovations – that they’re not as much fun as that other form of DIY. Baring your soul and flashing your bits between 26 and 29 June will get you laid for a change. You become the go-to peep for the latest gossip when Mercury visits your friendship sector between 7 and 26 June.
Virgo body parts: abdomen, intestines, spleen

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Jupiter enters your travel sector on 11 June. Large scale travel plans become possible over the next twelve months. If you ever wanted to experience the proverbial ‘trip of a lifetime’ but were too gutless or broke to do it, act now or forever hold your codpiece. Mercury enters your friendship sector in the last week of June. Expressing your most embarrassing and half-cooked ideas to your closest friends without them laughing in your face is possible now, so take advantage of this transit while it lasts, you fool.
Libra body parts: kidneys, skin, butt cheeks

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Remember that Billy Field tune Bad Habits? Yeah, that was written for you, Scorpio. Fortunately, you won’t have to endure that shit song when the lunar eclipse on 4 June energises your money house, helping you undo piss-poor financial behaviour. The Sun and Mercury merge in your travel sector. In true Scorpio form, you expose yourself from behind a grubby water-repellent rain coat to a variety of new and exotic experiences; an offence punishable by death in certain countries.
Scorpio body parts: sexual organs, reproductive system, rectum

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Jupiter begins a twelve month love cycle on 11 June. Between 26 and 29 June, Jupiter and Neptune flood your dreams with vivid images of the ideal relationship. Wake up my horsey friend; nothing that Technicolor exists in this lifetime. The lunar eclipse on 4 June combined with Venus overlapping the Sun a few days later triggers highly emotional states of consciousness, making you more shrill and annoying than usual. Mercury enters your travel sector in the last week of June. The Gods anticipate that you’ll fly away with the bogans on Jetstar. Here’s hoping …
Sagittarius body parts: hips, thighs, liver

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Jupiter enters the sixth house of routine and rotten jobs on 11 June, kick-starting a twelve month cycle. Domestic life gets frantic as you go berserk with the cordless dustbuster and obligatory can of Shake n’ Vac. Mercury energies your love sector between 6 and 26 June when you post gross accounts of your physical lovemaking on Facebook. The intensity of your relationship hits the heights on 12 June when 158,527496 losers ‘like’ your online status. Your psychic awareness peaks at the Full Moon eclipse in your spirituality zone on 4 June. Honour your gut by listening to what it has to say: start dieting immediately, you fat sod.
Capricorn body parts: teeth, bones, joints

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
The lunar eclipse on 4 June brings clarity around social situations. You will experience a phase of hyper-sensitivity surrounding friendships, believing that nobody wants to hang out with you. Examine the energy you are radiating. Aquarius is the sign that loves humanity but hates people. June is the month to reform your twisted thinking and appreciate that humans are from Earth and that you’re from somewhere else in the solar system. Your ruling planet Uranus teaches Venus a thing or two about kinky sex which, as you know, is the secret to an exciting love life. Dare yourself to push the envelope like Aquarian Barry Humphries did on Q&A the other night. What a scream!
Aquarius body parts: ankles, calves, circulatory system

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
You now know what you want to do when you grow up, thanks to the lunar eclipse in your career zone on 4 June. Jupiter enters your home zone on 11 June, followed by the New Moon on 20 June. Plans of relocating to a new home/suburb/state/country have chances of manifesting over the next twelve months. Actions taken under a Jupiter transit are usually favourable, so a new living environment is probably what your battered soul needs. The neighbours are elated that you’re going. Mercury occupies your creativity sector between 6 and 26 June. This is the best transit for zine making so zine away!
Pisces body parts: feet, lymphatic system, body fat

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