Sunday, July 1, 2012

Astro Shite for July 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Hasty Mars can’t leave your domestic sector fast enough on 3 July. He dives headfirst into your love zone and does the duty until 23 August with fervour. This suits fiery Rams perfectly, as you like it fast and furious. Get proactive about your relationship and progress to the next level. Mercury’s extended visit to your house of creativity goes retrograde from 14 July. This is an ideal time to reminisce about forgotten childhood activities like the time you created homemade explosives using mum’s nail polish remover to blow up the neighbour’s Datsun. Ah, memories …
Aries literary giant: Tennessee Williams

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Mercury yaks his way through your domestic sector this month. Fortunately, the retrograde motion between 14 July and 8 August zips your trap enough so that your housemates can watch The Footy Show in peace. Not to be outdone by the idiot box, warrior Mars torments you and your loser friends into blitzing ‘n’ bleaching the apocalyptic bombsite you call home. The New Moon on 19 July triggers the urge deep within your flabby gut to create the first edible gourmet zine, a dream come true for the Taurean zinester.
Taurus literary giant: Joseph Heller

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Your ruling planet Mercury does the moonwalk between 14 July and 8 August. This transit doesn’t transform you into Michael Jackson just because you wear a white gardening glove. Review the ways in which you express yourself. Ditch the crotch-grabbing moves and find authentic forms of self-expression. Mars triggers your house of love affairs between 3 July and 23 August. Like Craig Thompson, you’ll be shagging anything that a taxpayer-owned credit card can buy. Ignore the reports on Lateline and Media Watch; the Gods want you to act now, think later. This month is ideal for indulging your desires at someone else’s expense. As Gemini it girl Nancy Sinatra once said, you only live twice.
Gemini literary giant: Allen Ginsberg

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Mercury moves backwards in your money sector from 14 July. You will have to wait for the retrograde motion to end on 8 August before collecting zine, Etsy, and Centrelink payments. The New Moon in your sign on 19 July occurs while Mars opposes Uranus. Reject the Status Quo; they’re a Dinosaur band whose members still wear flares (boogie-woogie rock anyone?). A Mars-Uranus link can be volatile, especially when it occurs on the New Moon. This can mark an exciting era for Crabs if they contract crabs. While revolution maybe taking place on a global scale, the most important revolution is the one occurring within. How New Agey is that?
Cancer literary giant: Hunter S Thompson

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Leo, reflect on where you are now and review where you want to go when Mercury retrogrades in your sign from 14 July. Taking a step back to move forward is ideal under this transit. Creating a perzine can be useful in helping you process the mad thoughts and ludicrous ideas surfacing at the moment. Jupiter activates Uranus in your travel sector between 20 and 24 July. Expand your need for freedom by running from the responsibilities that cramp your style. Worrying about exorbitant utility bills and the carbon tax is for the birds. Your concerns are Big Picture. This month focus on developing a personal philosophy that helps you make sense of this mad, mad, mad, mad world.
Leo literary giant: Charles Bukowski

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Mars leaves your sign on 3 July and enters your money house. Despite Dickensian industrial relations practises, you now have the courage to stand up for your financial rights and win. Mars also supports your quest for generating new income streams without grovelling to people who don’t care whether you live or die. Review your spiritual tradition when Mercury retrogrades in your twelfth house from 14 July by asking life’s big questions: does the Latvian Orthodox religion really have the best hat? Do they make it in my colour? Will it make my bum look big? Questions … questions …
Virgo literary giant: Agatha Christie

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Mars enters your sign on 4 July giving sluggish Saturn a boost of energy. This is a period of increased action. A New Moon in your career sector on 19 July triggers professional beginnings. Jupiter aligns with Uranus between 20 and 24 July bringing unexpected and kinky sexual opportunities. Like Mozart’s racy opera Cosi fan Tutte, romantic relationships can teach you that there are many ways to love and be loved despite conventionality. You’ll be repeating yourself to friends under Mercury’s retrograde motion from 14 July … you’ll be repeating yourself to friends under Mercury’s retrograde motion from 14 July … you’ll be repeating yourself …
Libra literary giant: Gore Vidal

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Mars joins Saturn in your spirituality sector from 3 July, arousing your passion for the esoteric. This is an ideal time to retreat deep into the woods in a creepy Boris Karloff way, frightening the wildlife with your Alice Cooper makeup and fake Dracula fangs. Like Hades descending into the Underworld Metro nightclub on a school night, you recharge your batteries far from the madding crowd. Mercury retrogrades in your career zone from 14 July with tips for improving your curriculum vitae. Your Sun trines the New Moon on 19 July and you develop insight into the supernatural beast you truly are. Be afraid, peeps. Be very afraid.
Scorpio literary giant: Dylan Thomas

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Mercury retrogrades in your travel sector from 14 July. Your flight will be delayed until August, so pack your toothbrush and plenty of zines because you’ll be living at the airport - the Centaur’s spiritual home. The Sun passes through the international terminal without a boarding pass on 23 July where its unlimited energy fuels the big bird and gets your show on the road. Mars works diligently to resuscitate your flaccid social status from 3 July. Peeps look to you for leadership and to show them the way to St. Louis, which is where your flight is headed.
Sagittarius literary giant: Philip K Dick

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Don the power suit. The Full Moon on 4 July arouses ambition more than usual in the industrious Goat. The Moon slides up next to Pluto, generating desire for self-transformation through a significant other. You can create lasting change with the help of Venus, Mercury and Uranus without walking over victims in your spiked Manolo Blahniks. Mercury retrogrades in your financial sector from 14 July causing money delays thanks to dodgy paperwork. The Sun saves you from economic ruin when it energises this house from 22 July. The Capricorn saga of building castles in the air in the form of hideous tower blocks continues next month. Stay tuned.
Capricorn literary giant: Simone de Beauvoir.

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
Mercury retrogrades through your relationship sector from 14 July. As a detached Aquarian, you are baffled by the subtleties of love: unable to read between the lines and oblivious to body language. It’s safe to say that you don’t have one romantic bone in your body, which is why Mercury is helping you recognize the signals this month. Saturn, Venus, and Mars keep you on track with long term travel plans from 3 July. Destination: another galaxy. The New Moon in your work sector triggers opportunities for independent ways of making a living from 19 July. Stuffy Taureans and stodgy Capricorns can have the nine-to-five grind; water bearers are the zodiac’s freelancers and contractors.
Aquarius literary giant: Virginia Woolf

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Mars’ journey through your seventh and eighth houses has fired up your pathetic non-existent love life. This month you have the confidence to be sexy and outspoken with your lover like the Foxy Hornbags on YouTube. Mercury retrogrades in your domestic sector from 14 July. Nagging your housemates into doing their share of the housework goes un-noticed. Being an easy-going Piscean means that you are content with living in landfill until Mercury goes direct on 8 August. You conclude that hygiene is overrated but you wouldn’t tell a Virgo that.
Pisces literary giant: Jack Kerouac


  1. Very clever as usual. Love it!!

  2. Thanks. Astro Shite is a lot of fun to write!