Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Mercury and Venus enter your ninth house of travel in mid December. Forget about stuffing the turkey or kissing your sweaty uncle under the mistletoe, this year the Gods want you to retreat from the stress and tedium of your usual surroundings to an environment that’s teeming with annoying families and grumpy retirees. Links from Mercury to Uranus mean packing an i-Book full of puzzles and brain games for those empty moments in your hotel room when you can’t afford to drink the contents of the bar fridge.
Aries yuletide pressies: crampons, pocket stunt kite, Swiss army knife
Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Saturn’s visit to your love zone continues this month. You get wise about certain relationships that have run their course, while taking necessary steps to develop and deepen those that nourish you. Naturally, this is all based on the quality of gifts you receive on 25 December. Pay particular attention to the funkiness of the Christmas cards and the wrapping paper’s hip factor – all critical stuff to the cultivated Bull.
Taurus yuletide pressies: Pinot Noir, handmade chocolates, quality fabrics
Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
With the New Moon, Mercury, and Venus occupying your house of relationships on 13 December, set aside a few minutes each day in mid December to focus on your romantic wishes, and then ask Santa to put them in your Christmas stockings while you’re wearing them. This is a far more successful method of meeting potential lovers than stalking online dating sites crammed with lonely losers who are ten kilos heavier and fifteen years older than their mug shots indicate.
Gemini yuletide pressies: zines, digital chess board, Kindle
Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
The year ends as it began with the Full Moon in Cancer. The approaching Full Moon on 28 December is activated by Pluto, triggering a cycle of transformation that will carry you into the New Year. ‘Purge and purify’ is your New Year’s resolution, as you begin a detox program consisting of dandelion root, fennel, and raisins. You’ll suffer a severe case of the herbal squirts throughout the post-festive season but ‘better out than in’ which, apart from being Shrek’s catchphrase, is an archetypal Pluto obsession.
Cancer yuletide pressies: sterling silver jewellery, food hamper, cookbooks
Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Mars enters your relationship sector on 26 December. Your love life takes on operatic proportions, as close encounters with others are coloured by conflict, resolutions, and multiple wardrobe changes. You’ll be at your most intense under the Sun-Pluto link on 31 December, so pour into the body-shaping undergarments for that streamlined Dita Von Teese look. Wellbeing rituals need to be implemented after the office Christmas party where too many Bacardi Breezers mixed with cheese and prosciutto puffs race straight to your hips and thighs.
Leo yuletide pressies: Dom Perignon, Chanel No.5, skin care products
Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Despite having completed the Christmas shopping in July, the New Moon in your domestic sector on 13 December has you running around for last minute festive clobber such as pancetta wrapped shoulder joints and petrified finger food. De-lish! To add to the horror known as Christmas Day, you’ll be planting an angel-dusted macaron tree in the backyard as part of some peculiar half-pagan/half-Zumbo ritual you saw in a documentary on Foxtel.
Virgo yuletide pressies: stationery, hospital-grade bed linen, woodworking tools
Libra (23 September to 23 October)
This has been a trying year for Libra, what with Saturn cramping your style and all that. Breathe easy; that tiresome stuff is behind you. Thank the planets for aligning during the Click Frenzy where you emerged from the other side alive and armed with bargains. Loved ones will be impressed by the quality and quantity of your giving this Christmas.
Libra yuletide pressies: Murano glass, shopping vouchers, postmodern art
Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
The theme of ‘emergence’ continues through Christmas into the New Year, with Saturn and the North Node giving you grief even on public holidays. Remind yourself that it’s part of your metamorphous. Saturn aligns with Pluto on 26 December, helping transform the way you communicate. You’ll be firm with your word and expect others to be the same. Develop the power of persuasion on Boxing Day when everyone is too hung-over to argue.
Scorpio yuletide pressies: Crowley Thoth tarot deck, leather g-string, nipple clamps
Libra yuletide pressies: Murano glass, shopping vouchers, postmodern art
Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
The theme of ‘emergence’ continues through Christmas into the New Year, with Saturn and the North Node giving you grief even on public holidays. Remind yourself that it’s part of your metamorphous. Saturn aligns with Pluto on 26 December, helping transform the way you communicate. You’ll be firm with your word and expect others to be the same. Develop the power of persuasion on Boxing Day when everyone is too hung-over to argue.
Scorpio yuletide pressies: Crowley Thoth tarot deck, leather g-string, nipple clamps
Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
The message of the New Moon in your sign on 13 December is hope. Yep, that’s the kind of present you’ll be receiving this year, mate. You’ll experience a mental breakdown when Mercury aligns with Uranus and you fail to find parking at Aldi. Nevertheless, the Universe ups the x factor with a Venus transit and you enhance your appearance by growing a moustache despite the sorry end of Movember in November.
Sagittarius yuletide pressies: solar wind up radio, compass, collapsible shovel
Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
The Full Moon on 28 December shines the celestial spotlight on relationships. Pluto aligns with the Sun and opposes the Moon, urging you to swap poor habits with healthy ones once the festivities end. Set clear boundaries. Eliminate toxic peeps and fatty foods in the New Year as part of your cosmic colonic irrigation plan. Saturn stabilises the transformative effects of Pluto on Boxing Day by helping you connect with support groups like AA, NA, OA, OMG, LOL, and WTF.
Capricorn yuletide pressies: pipe, slippers, coffee grinder
Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
Mars enters Aquarius on 26 December. You are ready to leap into life like an emancipated elf after surviving Christmas day with the relo’s. Be prepared for summer celebrations like Bogans’ Day Out and Not Tonight Darling I’ve Got My Pyramid Rock Festival, where you’ll be in your element relishing the role of fest whore while moshing ‘n’ sploshing with the great unwashed.
Aquarius yuletide pressies: video games, sat nav, Brian Eno anthology
Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Mars enters your spirituality sector this month. Under this transit you will look back at 2012 and reflect on what a total loser you’ve been. The tax office could catch up with you, so plan to enjoy a white Christmas in the Arctic Circle. You may experience insomnia thanks to the midnight sun, but try to enjoy an active dreaming life and allow your imagination to run free. You will determine which goals feel right to pursue in 2013 as a result. Good luck and Merry Christmas.
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