Nasty Astrology

Astro-freaks and novices alike have enjoyed this amusing book by astrologer Richard MacDonald for nearly a decade. There are similar titles on the market, but Nasty Astrology is my favourite funny guide to the dark side of Sun sign astrology. War and Peace it ain't, but it is sardonic, direct, and deliciously punishing. For better or worse, Nasty Astrology colours the style and tone with which I write Astro Shite each month.

Snippets from Nasty Astrology:

Aries
If you catch them unawares in the bathroom, they'll be acting out speeches or practising being interviewed on chat shows ... they are vain and big-headed ... they think they look slimmer than they are ...

Taurus
Taureans are immune to subtlety so you will have to spell it out to them in simple words: 'You are repugnant' ... they think they're good in the country but the suburbs is the place for them ... they steal pens ... 

Gemini
You can't shut them up or turn them off or turn them down ... they suffer a permanent persecution complex ... they deserve to be persecuted ...

Cancer
They will get fat no matter what they eat ... they are unstable, bordering slightly on barking mad ... scary mad ... think bunnies in boiling water, think a knife across your throat while you're sleeping ...

Leo
They are so full of themselves that others are taken in ... they like to run the show, but they lack any skills to do it ... they wear too much make-up ...

Virgo
They have too many dictionaries and reference books ... they should try reading a few of them ... their need for cleanliness and order is an obsession, and they should consider therapy ... no one needs to wash their hands as much as they do ...

Libra
Drifting through life without ever having a proper job and somehow surviving ... if wall paper had opinions then Libra would steal them ... they end up being mothered or murdered ...

Scorpio
They like offending people and have no social graces ... they may end up being assassinated ... they have lots of really powerful emotions - they are all feelings of murder ...

Sagittarius
Sagittarians have no real talent or skills and survive purely on gut instinct and luck ... they think snowboarding and juggling are subjects for worthy conversation ... although they do a nice line in pretend philosophy ...

Capricorn
They like to make money, make some more money, and finally make a bit more just in case ... they have all the passion of two people watching tv ... they like slippers ... 

Aquarius
Aquarians make good Zen monks as they already march to the sound of one hand clapping ... they don't tick like us - if we tick, they tock ... they hate cuddly toys ...

Pisces
Pisceans follow anything to do with the New Age but have no real interest - it's all just an excuse to seduce people and get them to take their clothes off ... they don't do business, or jobs really ... they can't be trusted to own a bar of soap ...


Nasty Astrology by Richard MacDonald is published by Collins & Brown Limited