Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Your plans for Another Bloody Cathedral tour of Europe will be delayed between 3 and 27 November, when Mercury retrogrades through your travel sector. Double and triple check travel arrangements to confirm that you haven’t booked the Blue Rinse excursion to the Rhine Valley. You may be stranded at various airports in exotic locations all month, so pack extra zine reading material, and avoid unwashed gypsy kids flapping pieces of cardboard in your direction.
Aries essential viewing: Apocalypse Now (1979)
Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Fickle Mercury’s retrograde motion in your shared money zone from 24 November could create delays with debt repayments. Use this period to discuss the finer details of pooled resources before the loan shark dismembers your right arm and sets fire to your garage. Avoid borrowing from this meathead; it’s far better to be broke and have both arms intact than to be packed as bite-size chunks in the deep freezer at Pyrmont Fish Market. You will be glad to know that the Full Moon in Taurus on 11 November brings abundance. Note the date – 11/11/11 – this is a perfect time to meditate if you want to attract the good things in life like Thai fish cakes with pickled cucumber. Mmmmmm …
Taurus essential viewing: La Grande Bouffe (1973)
Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Your primary relationship needs reworking this month, Gemini. You question the higher purpose of your union, and conclude that it isn’t all about sex and money. Speaking of dosh, Pluto triggers your financial zone on 22 November, and you win eight bucks on the Instant Scratchies. Your accountant advises on the best way to invest this windfall as your eyes glaze over and you are teleported to another solar system. Venus makes a trip to your love zone between 3 and 27 November. This planet prefers pleasure rather than practicality, so do the deed in the Hyatt Regency penthouse for a change. The AV Jennings display home in Castle Hill is getting kinda boring as a shag den.
Gemini essential viewing: The Crying Game (1992)
Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Health and well being are the focus this month, Cancer. You imagine that you have a plethora of ailments that can only distress the characters of Oliver Twist and Bleak House. Your period of hypochondria lasts until 22 November, when the Sun provides power to boost your immune system. Venus triggers your relationship sector from 27 November. You will have opportunities to increase the amount of lovin’ you get in your life now, so don’t blow it by being an insipid sod. You will be at your most attractive under this transit, and are mistaken for a famous nobody with an eating disorder.
Cancer essential viewing: Cries and Whispers (1972)
Leo (21 July to 21 August)
This month an adventurous spirit takes you into unexplored territories like the Afro tropic eco-zone; terrain that David Attenborough may have covered during the Ice Age. Mars keeps you keen and mean until 12 November. Peeps find you too hot to handle under this transit. Ouch! Venus triggers your creativity zone between 3 and 27 November. Relaxing is the key to creative inspiration, so start zine-ing in your undies from the comfort of a banana chair while sipping pina coladas and sculling absinthe. After getting shit-faced on cheap cocktails and grande wormwood, the hooey-humbug-hokum of your hand drawings evolves into a respectable zine that you’re too legless to photocopy at Officeworks. Damn the Green Fairy.
Leo essential viewing: Sunset Boulevard (1950)
Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Virgo, this month you will be sensitive to the moods of your ruling planet, Mercury. He spends three weeks retrograde each year, giving you a few chances to hit pause and chill out. Expect this to happen after 24 November. Remove your Duracell batteries and take a breather from polishing the skirting boards and shredding your old bank statements. Venus triggers your home zone between 3 and 27 November, propelling you to bring love into your Spanish villa from sleazy singles bars and dodgy internet chat rooms. Fortunately, the onslaught of crabs and scabies become too much for your anal-retentive ways that you quickly revert to Virgo type by the end of the month. Sterilised bed sheets rock!
Virgo essential viewing: Desk Set (1957)
Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Libra, you will be absolutely fabulous this month when your ability to express yourself blossoms between 3 and 27 November. Librans love latching onto a cool social scene, and this transit brings opportunities to get out there and crash as many drag balls as you can handle. Confident Mars helps you win fans until 12 November, and like Groucho Marx, you find yourself joining clubs that you secretly don’t want to be part of. Never mind. Watch Paris Is Burning for fashion and make up tips, and transform yourself into the human mirror ball. You will make Venus Xtravaganza look like a fishmonger.
Libra essential viewing: Paris Is Burning (1990)
Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Any positive health habits you implemented at the beginning of the year will pay off now. All that munching on wheat grass and guzzling of chlorophyll has your body functioning like a V8 engine on amphetamines. Mars in your career sector this month makes it an ideal time to jump-start your career as a personal trainer, swimsuit model, or porn star. Venus arouses your need for beautiful things like Murano glass and Julio Iglesias between 3 and 27 November. Your eye is sharper than usual for spotting useless, overpriced crap as found in the boutique shops of Paddington and the Queen Victoria Building. You are on a quest under this transit to sought and purchase a Matt Blatt replica Kouichi Okamoto liquid wall lamp (whatever the hell that is) at any cost.
Scorpio essential viewing: Last Tango in Paris (1972)
Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Sagittarius, you will flirt madly with anything that moves between 3 and 27 November when Venus joins your sign. Accept and cherish your ‘unique’ beauty because nobody else will. Believing that Roman noses and halitosis are making a comeback will go a long way to improving your sense of self-worth. As you get into the groove of loving who you are with the aid of sex toys, it becomes easier to improve the quality of romantic relationships with peeps (let’s not get into details). You will experience foot in mouth disease when Mercury retrogrades on 24 November, and you appear on a sexy episode of Crownies where you are charged with slander while wearing a figure-hugging garment and matching sling backs. The law maybe an ass, but at least yours is toned and firm. She’s lookin’ good, Vern.
Sagittarius essential viewing: Easy Rider (1969)
Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Adventurous Mars arouses your restless spirit from 12 November, kick starting one of the strongest travel phases in 2011 for you Sea Goats. Taking the road less travelled actually helps you move forward without wearing a suit and tie from Roger David. Physical adventures like crocodile wrestling in Wangi Falls appeal to you now, so go for it! This is an ideal period for accumulating life experience, rather than material achievement, without wearing a suit and tie from Roger David. I can’t stress that enough.
Capricorn essential viewing: Citizen Kane (1941)
Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
Your work life is in focus under the influence of the Sun until 24 November. You will impress your boss with your nauseating sycophantic ways, you grovelling git, you. Leonard Cohen was wrong: not everyone wants a box of chocolates and a long stemmed rose. Not even middle management. Venus transits your house of Facebook and Twitter between 3 and 27 November, so make your cyber friendships top priority before blabbermouth Mercury gets in on the act on 24 November and does a social networking back flip, exposing you for the total dick you truly are.
Aquarius essential viewing: The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)
Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Jerky Mercury stands still in your career sector at the end of the month, prompting you to postpone job hunting until mid-December when you receive support from the Universe to resume writing your resume. Your sexual perversions are under the spotlight from 12 November. Use this transit to spice up your banal love life by letting Mars show you the way. If you are a solo flying Piscean who has given up on romance, expect your luck to change this month. Face it; if a fat bogan like Shane Warne can pull a hot WAG like Elizabeth Hurley, there’s hope for the rest of us.
Pisces essential viewing: The Seventh Seal (1957)