Astro Shite for March 2013

Aries
The spirit of rebellion peaks between 22 and 24 March, thanks to the Mars-Uranus link. A 'f**k-you-I'll-work-when-I'm-dead' attitude liberates you from the Orwellian social engineering championed by bureaucratic zombies and Labor Party drones. Channel your inner-warrior and fight for your right to party. You win a few fans under the Venus-Mars transit, but then who can resist a protesting ram in a feathered war bonnet?
Aries sports personality: Maria Sharapova (tennis)

Taurus

Separating yourself from restrictive individuals or situations between 28 and 29 March helps you reconnect with your individuality. Dare to be yourself for a change, and grow those Lemmy-style sideburns you’ve always wanted. Mercury ensures that you make new connections on Facebook, as your curiosity about certain imaginary peeps with super-cool profile pics gets the better of you. You stop making sense until 16 March. Be patient and wait for Mercury to move forward mid-month before you open your trap and make a dick of yourself.

Taurus sports personality: Dennis Rodman (basketball)

Gemini

Your productivity will be less than zero under Mercury’s retrograde motion until 16 March. Avoid zine-making and other forms of DIY until the middle of the month, when you’ll be in a better place mentally and cosmically to forge ahead with your disturbing but groundbreaking ideas. Others look to you for direction during the Mars-Uranus transit on 12 March. You lead the way in zine community-related activities involving a port-a-loo or a falafel stand or some such demountable.

Gemini sports personality: Anthony Mundine (boxing)

Cancer

Mars revs up your adventure sector until 12 March. Be brave and explore destinations where Western-style toilets are two kingdoms away. Mercury’s influence emphasises the learning process, so get use to wiping your butt with your left hand. A crisis of meaning has you questioning your empty but ridiculously hip lifestyle. You review your belief system around 16 March, after your current guru has touched you inappropriately with his left hand.

Cancer sports personality: Zinedine Zidane (soccer)

Leo

You’ll need large doses of freedom to release you from the deadening routine of your office job between 28 and 30 March. Paperwork, paperclips, and your Microsoft Outlook inbox can go to hell, as you free that noose from your neck and leap into the lap of thrills ‘n’ spills. Buck convention buck naked. Try to avoid caving into pressure on 22 March by stripping at a bus stop or outside a church. A trine to your Sun from Venus and Mars makes you ultra-popular this month, thanks to your various nude performances around town.

Leo sports personality: Roger Federer (tennis)

Virgo

The New Moon on 12 March signals the beginning of a significant relationship. With a Stellium of six planets in the dreamy and spiritual sign of Pisces, your romantic zone will demand most of your attention and energy this month. Focus on feelings. Is your partner meeting your emotional needs, or are they just an accessory you wear on your arm like a henna tattoo? Mars demands that you take charge of your love life. Your ruling planet, Mercury, retrogrades until 16 March. Second chances with someone finer than your current crush are ideal now.

Virgo sports personality: Lance Armstrong (cycling)

Libra

The Full Moon in your sign on 27 March highlights the Importance of Being Reasonable. Apart from looking sensational, Libra prioritises justice and harmony, and asks that we give peace a chance. The Venus-Uranus link between 28 and 29 March signals a temporary break from significant relationships. Expect a turning point in romantic direction around 12 March. You’ll be demanding authenticity in your love life with plenty of spice thrown in.

Libra sports personality: Ian Thorpe (swimming)

Scorpio

March is the beginning of a new creative cycle for Scorpio. Mercury retrogrades in your arty sphere until 16 March, so review your dodgy DIY output then. You get in touch with a more deeply creative and expressive part of yourself mid month. This period produces a zine titled Getting in Touch with a More Deeply Creative and Expressive Part of Myself, which, as zine titles go, is up there with I’m Sorry I Sold Your Stuff on eBay. Kind of. Kind of.

Scorpio sports personality: Mitchell Johnson (cricket)

Sagittarius

Johnny Depp once said that he tries to stay in a constant state of confusion because of the expression it leaves on his face. Sagittarius, you will be adopting this philosophy until 16 March for reasons which are too confusing to explain. DIY planet, Mars, enters your domestic sector until 12 March, so spend time zine-making in the comfort of your cardboard container. Be mindful of the Mercury retrograde motion during the first two weeks; you’ll be stop-starting projects. Expect a creative shift mid month, but don’t over think the process like a Cancerian - just do it like a Sagittarian.

Sagittarius sports personality: Ricky Ponting (cricket)

Capricorn

Mars and the Sun align with Uranus between 22 to 24 March, and then on 28 to 30 March in your home environment. These are peak periods where others see your domestic choices as unorthodox, especially your attempt to cook a lamb roast in the dishwasher. A cluster of planets in your communication house on 12 March has you mumbling like Beaker from The Muppets, which is an improvement in self expression.

Capricorn sports personality: Tiger Woods (golf)

Aquarius

Mars makes his once-every-two-year visit through your wealth sector until 12 March. This transit helps you master new income options like growing indoor hydroponics, and mastering Spanish 21. The actions you take now help establish a two-year financial improvement plan. This transit comes with a cautionary period that expires on 16 March. Avoid your usual practise of stuffing packets of Maggi Noddles down your trousers when shoplifting at Franklins.

Aquarius sports personality: Kathy Freeman (sprinting)

Pisces

It will be a super-charged New Moon in Pisces on 12 March. The Sun and Moon, Neptune, Mercury, Venus, and Mars occupy your first house of self-image. Cut out the iced finger buns for an instant slim down. Mercury aligns with Pluto, suggesting that the truth be uncovered as to how cloying a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is, and do calories count if the damn thing sticks to the roof of your mouth? Mars boosts courage until 12 March. Be strong and eliminate horse meat from your diet. Mars and Uranus align in your money sector between 22 and 24 March. There’ll be a breakthrough concerning money that requires a break and enter job.

Pisces sports personality: Lleyton Hewitt (tennis)