Monday, April 1, 2013

Astro Shite for April 2013

The New Moon in your sign on 10 April represents the start of the astrological new year. It’s a powerful time for setting goals for the next twelve months. The Mars-Sun link on 18 April intensifies leadership qualities, so you’ll be your customary bossy self this month. Career transformations are likely after 26 April, when you land a job that’s more comfortable than the Ahh bra. As usual, you want more control over what you do and who you do it with. It’s understood that the Ram gets what it wants, so I don’t know why I mentioned it.
Aries Celtic Tree: Alder (the trailblazer)

You’ll experience some hot love action when Venus and Mars activate your sign between 15 April and 3 May. The passion swells like a baboon’s arse under the full Lunar Eclipse on 26 April, and by Venus and Pluto getting it on in sensual Earth signs. Discover the support you need for special zine projects by borrowing Aries’ Ahh bra. Mars enters you sign on 21 April. You’ll start a two-year cycle of achievement by getting out of bed and doing something. Expect to experience the esoteric world on 19 April when David Copperfield’s nose pays you a visit by thought transference.
Taurus Celtic Tree: Willow (the observer)

Between 15 April and 31 May, the Sun, Mercury, Venus, and Mars will invigorate your twelfth house of spirituality. Focus on your inner space; the one between your legs. Your awareness of intuitive influences grows, as you discover that every orifice the Gods have blessed you with are gateways to mysticism. April is one of the best months to take a holiday. Dropping out of the loop actually helps you prepare for new adventures that begin mid-year.
Gemini Celtic Tree: Hawthorn (the illusionist)

Gorgeous Venus reminds you of the value of friendship when she transits your eleventh house after 15 April. Remember the power of support, both in networking and control top leggings. Sassybax is definitely the best hosiery for shaping your legs like Cyd Charisse. Goddess power governs your world throughout April, so there’ll be benefits in hooking up with like-minded women. Mars helps you make your mark with a stolen Sharpie from Officeworks after 20 April.
Cancer Celtic Tree: Oak (the stabiliser)

The New Moon on 10 April forms favourable aspects to your Sun. This is an ideal time to explore philosophies that will take you in a fresh direction. The saying ‘you can’t choose your family …’ applies to your domestic situation during the eclipse on 26 April. Emotions run high like those in The Godfather parts one, two, and three. You know that your life is off kilter when you find a decapitated horse head in your bed.
Leo Celtic Tree: Holly (the ruler)

Mars activates your higher learning zone after 20 April. You’ll find radical ways to use your mind for finding inner peace and your car keys. April is the month to take the first steps to fulfilling a teaching or study dream. ‘Do as I do’ becomes your motto, as you put your beliefs into action and ensure that they reflect your truth. Your hips and thighs become active like a Centaur on heat, thanks to the Venus transit in your travel zone after 15 April.
Virgo Celtic Tree: Hazel (the knower)

The New Moon in your relationship sector has you questioning what you want out of love. Creating a wall collage of the ideal lover you’d like to spoon will help you find answers. This New Moon aligns with Mars, and is then joined by Mercury on 15 April. The astrological orgy intensifies when Uranus is stimulated by Mars, Venus, and the Sun, generating specific romantic events. Your delicate constitution is rocked by all the lovin’, so slow down the mood and recuperate occasionally.
Libra Celtic Tree: Vine (the equaliser)
Scorpios are advised to invest energy into their professional life during the first half of April. The Universe will highlight your managerial ability and leadership skills then. You’ll be assigned special tasks that only you can carry through, like defrosting the staff deep freezer and sterilising the coffee machine. Venus enters your romantic zone on 15 April, followed by the Sun and Mars on 20 April, triggering a passionate event that makes Beyoncé and Jay-Z look like the shelf-stackers at Coles.
Scorpio Celtic Tree: Ivy (the survivor)
The Sun, Venus, and Mars join Uranus in your house of love. This shattering cocktail of a transit has you reaching your sexual peak. You develop an insatiable thirst for romantic adventure, but be wary that you often pay the price for taking such risks. Expect the passion to cool down by the end of the month. Restrict your debauchery to wearing your lover’s underwear on the weekends. You can blame this perilous behaviour on the Sun-Venus-Mars-Uranus conglomeration, or you can be like Milli Vanilli and blame it on the rain.
Sagittarius Celtic Tree: Elder (the seeker)

Capricorn, you will unearth your sensual side when Venus and Mars merge to form a trine with your Sun. Take off that straight jacket posing as an Anthony Squires business suit, and unleash your lizard-wang on an unsuspecting public. You sex life will intensify after 20 April, as you divide and conquer Wyong’s lake district. The Central Coast will never be the same again. Saturn indicates that you’re under the magnifying glass at work. Feigning professional interest and dedication can save your sorry arse from redundancy this month.
Capricorn Celtic Tree: Birch (the achiever)

Jupiter in your love zone increases your pulling power up to July this year. That photo of you posing in liquid stockings and a studded fringe bra has cyber-peeps going crazy on Instagram. Hot stuff! Mars exposes any hidden aggression on the home front after 20 April. Passive-aggressive behaviour towards house mates doesn’t resolve issues that are best discussed openly and calmly. Fortunately, Venus cushions the blow with cushions and other domestic luxury items. Home life can be sweet if you beautify your environment with symbols of good taste like over-designed zines produced on quality stock: boring to read, but lovely to look at.
Aquarius Celtic Tree: Rowan (the thinker)

Mercury in Pisces often struggles with fuzzy thinking. This could well be your dilemma until 15 April. You are unable to handle the details of life, and reach for the Jim Beam. Develop confidence by finding suitable creative self-expression, and release all that’s absorbed back into the world. Mercury in Pisces is the placement of The Poet. Life will seem more like an impressionistic painting than a Kanye West YouTube video. Hooray! Uranus dominates your financial sector, making April a month where you consider joint business ventures. And joints. Spliff it while the going is good.
Pisces Celtic Tree: Ash (the enchanter)

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