Astro Shite for June 2013

Aries
Expect mildew to invade the space where you live when Jupiter makes himself at home on 26 June. Exit Mould can’t save your abode once lime scale growth the size of James Packer’s fully erect donger, the Barangaroo development, takes over. Relationships will depend on suggestive communication techniques when Venus connects to Mercury. Ditch the politically correct vernacular and experiment with edgy language as endorsed by Urban Dictionary.
Aries career choices: entrepreneur, athlete, architect

Taurus

Jupiter improves your financial situation until 26 June. The celestial giant brings recognition of your zine making talents, so take advantage of this transit and flog your DIY masterworks to the converted. The key element is Self Belief. Venus stimulates your fourth house after 26 June. Be mindful not to smother that special someone. The phrase ‘Bunny Boiler’ springs to mind.
Taurus career choices: chef, painter, farmer

Gemini

Mercury forms a T-square alignment between Pluto and Uranus. Flashes of insight, like the interior of Timothy Leary’s head, occur throughout the month. In the vein of digital radio, you must turn on, tune in, and drop out. A Mars-Neptune square highlights the struggle between action and indolence. Jupiter enters your financial sector on 26 June. Expect Big Money Action to transpire, but heed the Mercury retrograde slamming the breaks on extravagant spending; it’s protecting you from a fate worse than debt.
Gemini career choices: journalist, teacher, zinester

Cancer

Cancer, this is your month. Mercury and Venus move into your sign in the first week, followed by Jupiter on 26 June. A new twelve-year cycle begins. Projects initiated under this transit have the opportunity to expand and succeed over the next few years. The grounding Capricorn Moon on 23 June brings a relationship reality check. The Sun forms a grand trine with Saturn and Jupiter, activating the right side of your brain. The Universe is telling you to quit acting like a shitbag and start c-r-e-a-t-i-n-g, dude.

Cancer career choices: counsellor, restaurateur, domestic god/goddess

Leo

Venus moves into your sign on 28 June. Find it in your trademark Heart-of-Gold to forgive that sorry soul who will never reach the heights of Fabulousness that you inhabit. Avoid chocolate-dipped Churros around 20 June, before the Sun-Jupiter link has a chance to expand your waistline. Jupiter leaves your social scene on 26 June to retreat deep into your twelfth house. Grow a beard and put on hemp sandals; this cycle brings opportunities to eradicate self-destructive fears and tendencies while cooking a mean lentil hot pot.

Leo career choices: actor, beautician, office manager

Virgo

In the spirit of this Wide Brown Land of ours, Mercury moves backwards from 25 June. You’ll be communicating like a bumbling idiot on Xanax, so avoid speaking unless you’re asking for directions to the nearest public toilet. Jupiter sheds light on group activities from 26 June. Experience the magic when you align with like-minded individuals who share your enthusiasm for Auslan and Bloody Knuckles. Your energy levels take a dive under a twelfth house transit. Like the Hermit in the Rider-Waite Tarot deck, you retreat into your cave containing bottles of Howard Hughes’ urine. Nice.

Virgo career choices: yoga instructor, editor, accountant

Libra

A once-in-twelve-year professional cycle begins on 26 June when Jupiter enters your tenth house. Expect large scale career growth, that is, you finally get a job. Congratulations. The Mercury retrograde motion throws you the nitty-gritty questions during job interviews, however, the Sun-Mercury-Venus link ensures that you turn on the Libran charm with your Colombian smile and cocaine nose job. Uranus guarantees that your zine mates will help you retain your DIY edge amid the mediocrity of selling out.

Libra career choices: interior decorator, hairdresser, diplomat

Scorpio

Scorpio, you should be cashed up and ready for a well earned break, thanks to Jupiter’s influence over your finances and his ingress into your travel zone on 26 June. The desire to get away intensifies once the Sun, Mercury, and Venus join Jupiter the area of the birth chart described by astrologer, Dana Gerhardt, as ‘our personal alps, where the spirit soars, the mind expands, and life acquires new meaning’. You’ll be keen to explore uncharted territories from the window of an uncharted bus. Endeavours that broaden the scope of your wretched life are crucial for personal growth now. Get excited, buddy; a new adventure awaits you!

Scorpio career choices: plastic surgeon, drug lord, detective

Sagittarius

Your ruling planet, Jupiter, moves into the constellation of Cancer on 26 June, triggering a twelve month cycle of growth in the area of other people’s resources. A tax rebate of three bucks may come your way. Spend it wisely. This is an excellent time to develop and establish a financial strategy that will pay dividends when you’re one hundred and eighty four years old. With Venus forming a trine to your Sun, you’ll live up to personal expectations effortlessly. Others see you as someone to lean on, and you are more than capable of helping others during a crisis. The New Moon on 9 June brings novel energy to a stale relationship. It’s as if you’re spooning a new partner every evening. Now, isn’t that the Sagittarian way?

Sagittarius career choices: tour guide, lawyer, book publisher

Capricorn

Follow-through in relation to DIY projects strengthens under the Full Moon on 23 June. A twelve-month love cycle begins on 26 June. You’ll find it easy to attract a mate under this transit, so kiss goodbye your solo Saturday night ritual of demolishing Kettle Chips while watching Death In Paradise. Mercury provides you with the social skills to bedazzle others with bullshit, while Venus ensures that you’re respectable enough to leave the house in the first place.

Capricorn career choices: stockbroker, administrator, economist

Aquarius

Jupiter enters your routine and well being sector on 26 June. Reconnect with daily rituals such as brewing the perfect pot of Twinings, and observe how it fits into life’s big picture. Understand the long-term impact work habits have on your health. Learn to say ‘no’ to The Man occasionally; it may save your hair. A Neptune transit signals that you’re unlikely to see the truth about your financial dealings with a Nigerian doctor you met on the Internet.

Aquarius career choices: aviator, scientist, astrologer

Pisces

Pisces, this month is all about having fun while pursuing your craft. Favourable links from Jupiter and Venus to your Sun indicate that zine making will be arty but substantial, delicate but poetic, underground but prevalent. The Mercury retrograde has you penning offbeat poetry that makes the Beat poets sound about as interesting as Channel Seven news readers.

Aquarius career choices: musician, fishmonger, psychic healer

Astrobabble at Red Eye Records

 

I took copies of Astrobabble into Red Eye Records the other week, expecting to be mocked for my star gazing obsession by the hipsters who work there. Surprisingly, the amiable young Nick who served me was enthusiastic about stocking Astrobabble. Hurrah!

As you can see from the image above, issues Kurt C, Nick C, and Andy W proudly take their places within Red Eye's expanding zine collection that includes iconic DIY publications such as Stitches In My Head, Distort, and my fave, Born Loser, for which I was unable to find a link. Damn. Nestled on the next shelves are zines by Vanessa Berry, SCAR, and Tinman Johnson who creates the too cute Harvey the 29th. It's nice to be among friends.

Astro Shite for May 2013

Aries
The Full Moon Eclipse in your travel sector on 25 May highlights the spirit of adventure. Explore exotic locations like Roppongi or Mildura to the fullest. The purpose of this transit is to drop you in uncharted physical spaces that trigger alternative mental perspectives (kinda like listening to Severed Heads through a defective clothes dryer). Ingest shavings of raw ginger to combat motion sickness as you move your lazy arse from the couch to destinations that require medical jabs for Green Monkey Disease.
Aries politician: Nick Minchin

Taurus

Taurus, this is the month to curb your stubborn streak. The Universe demands that you adopt a flexible attitude to attract opportunities that you would otherwise dismiss out of rigidity. Links between the New Moon Solar Eclipse and the South Node help restructure your physical space with exasperating flat-pack shelving. Good luck with that. Venus and Mercury combine with Jupiter between 27 and 30 May. Strike a deal with Eddie Obeid to create wealth in the most scandalous way possible. Stash your cash in offshore tax havens with the help of Mars from 31 May.

Taurus politician: Bill Shorten

Gemini

Networking skills are enhanced when Mercury enters your sign between 2 and 15 May, and is joined by Venus on 10 May. The eclipse on 25 May in your relationship zone emphasises the joy and excitement of being in leeerrrrve. The Moon highlights your inner world of feelings, which is in contrast to the cluster of planets in erudite Gemini. Develop your gut instinct and listen with your heart. Mars adds Drive to your laundry load after 31 May for extra softness and freshness. Focus on artistic inspiration on 30 May when Neptune improves your hairdo with fluoro dip-dyed ends. Cool.

Gemini politician: Bob Katter

Cancer

Mercury activates your first house at the end of the month, making it easier for you to overcome your natural shyness. Your recreational zone receives the gift of Saturn, so you’ll have to seriously ask yourself whether you’re having fun yet. Commit to zine-making, or schedule regular swap meets with like-minded dorks. Under Saturn’s influence, practical tools such as long arm staplers, UHU glue sticks, and comfort-fit scissors take on great significance. Don’t dis them; they are the gateway to a higher calibre of DIY. Let the inner revolution begin when Mars slips into your spirituality house on 31 May. Your spirit seeks rest, diversion, and a packet of pretzels to go with that beer.

Cancer politician: Wayne Swan

Leo

The eclipse in your tenth house on 10 May illuminates your true calling. If you are employed in a job that feeds your gut but not your soul, now is the time to get fired by bouncing around the office in a flesh-coloured body stocking. Yikes! Despite this disturbing image, you still manage to ooze Leo charm under the Venus transit on 10 May. You’ll be especially popular when Jupiter and Venus align between 26 and 29 May, and the body stocking slips off after a few bottles of Rekorderlig. Despite what the Fun Police say, living the good life with your mates is still a legal activity the last time I checked.

Leo politician: Joe Hockey

Virgo

Kill your face with a refining fruit acid facial when Venus squares your Sun on 10 May. It could mean the difference between looking like Kerry Ann Kennelly or Kerry Packer. Mars activates your career zone after 31 May, boosting your confidence at work. May is the month for professional change and progress if you’ve outgrown your current job. Communication and strategic skills come effortlessly under a Mercury transit from 10 May; you’ll be able to juggle different commitments simultaneously. The Lunar Eclipse in your domestic sector on 25 May helps create harmony between home concerns and your public life. Who says that you can’t have it all?

Virgo politician: Kate Ellis

Libra

Mercury accelerates your professional life on 31 May by networking and multi-tasking with abandon. The Winged Messenger joins Jupiter in your travel zone from 15 May for one of your best globetrotting phases this year. Whatever journey you embark on under this transit needs to be meaningful. You gain clarity about your place in the world while marooned on Clive Palmer, who you mistake for an atoll off the Queensland coast.

Libra politician: Julia Gillard

Scorpio

The key word for Scorpio this month is deep. With Mercury occupying your love zone between 2 and 15 May, and Venus entering your eighth house mid-month, you are propelled to form deep connections with a significant other. Like organically grown herbs, this deep relationship contains healing properties that go a long way to revitalising a tired old tart such as yourself. You’ll be inclined to smooth over personal differences for the sake of a deep union. The sharing of money, power, intimacy, and other deep issues are intensified by this month’s transits. Pretty deep, isn’t it?

Scorpio politician: Tony Abbott

Sagittarius

Mars brings fire to your love life on 31 May, but not before Venus aligns with Jupiter between the sheets on 26 May. This romantic period harmonises with the Sagittarius eclipse on 25 May. A Sagittarius Moon finds emotional stability in faith. You’ll receive flashes of inspiration from a creepy guy planted behind a Magnolia bush. Go with it. Find a mate who’ll be your fellow traveller, but protect your emotional freedom. Nothing frustrates a Centaur more than being smothered by someone who is not as hot as they are. Ask Woody Allen. Then again, don’t.

Sagittarius politician: Tanya Plibersek

Capricorn

The Saturn-Neptune link on 30 May supplies you with compassion. Your softer side emerges from the career-climbing-bastard-in-a-suit persona you present to the world. Drop your defences and your daks and show loved ones how you really feel. Renew creative plans under the eclipse on 10 May. Let go of unfulfilled pipe dreams and focus on what’s possible now.

Capricorn politician: Sarah Hanson Young

Aquarius

The period between 26 and 29 May is gratifying, thanks to Mercury, Venus, and Jupiter forming favourable aspects to your Sun. Forge creative partnerships with other zine dudes, and embark on your Big Creative Adventure armed with ideas and Crayola markers. Old family soap operas like The Sullivans and Sons and Daughters croak under the 10 May eclipse. Any activity that thrusts you into a future that looks like Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey is more than okay with you.

Aquarius politician: Eric Abetz

Pisces

The eclipse on 25 May invigorates your career zone. This transit exposes your true colours at work. Be bold and tell your boss where he can stick his revised Excel spread sheet. The Venus-Jupiter link on 10 May inspires you to make your domestic environment prettier. Finalise your living arrangements between 15 and 31 May, before the package deals end at Fantastic Furniture.

Pisces politician: Anthony Albanese