Friday, May 31, 2013

Astro Shite for June 2013

Expect mildew to invade the space where you live when Jupiter makes himself at home on 26 June. Exit Mould can’t save your abode once lime scale growth the size of James Packer’s fully erect donger, the Barangaroo development, takes over. Relationships will depend on suggestive communication techniques when Venus connects to Mercury. Ditch the politically correct vernacular and experiment with edgy language as endorsed by Urban Dictionary.
Aries career choices: entrepreneur, athlete, architect

Jupiter improves your financial situation until 26 June. The celestial giant brings recognition of your zine making talents, so take advantage of this transit and flog your DIY masterworks to the converted. The key element is Self Belief. Venus stimulates your fourth house after 26 June. Be mindful not to smother that special someone. The phrase ‘Bunny Boiler’ springs to mind.
Taurus career choices: chef, painter, farmer

Mercury forms a T-square alignment between Pluto and Uranus. Flashes of insight, like the interior of Timothy Leary’s head, occur throughout the month. In the vein of digital radio, you must turn on, tune in, and drop out. A Mars-Neptune square highlights the struggle between action and indolence. Jupiter enters your financial sector on 26 June. Expect Big Money Action to transpire, but heed the Mercury retrograde slamming the breaks on extravagant spending; it’s protecting you from a fate worse than debt.
Gemini career choices: journalist, teacher, zinester

Cancer, this is your month. Mercury and Venus move into your sign in the first week, followed by Jupiter on 26 June. A new twelve-year cycle begins. Projects initiated under this transit have the opportunity to expand and succeed over the next few years. The grounding Capricorn Moon on 23 June brings a relationship reality check. The Sun forms a grand trine with Saturn and Jupiter, activating the right side of your brain. The Universe is telling you to quit acting like a shitbag and start c-r-e-a-t-i-n-g, dude.
Cancer career choices: counsellor, restaurateur, domestic god/goddess

Venus moves into your sign on 28 June. Find it in your trademark Heart-of-Gold to forgive that sorry soul who will never reach the heights of Fabulousness that you inhabit. Avoid chocolate-dipped Churros around 20 June, before the Sun-Jupiter link has a chance to expand your waistline. Jupiter leaves your social scene on 26 June to retreat deep into your twelfth house. Grow a beard and put on hemp sandals; this cycle brings opportunities to eradicate self-destructive fears and tendencies while cooking a mean lentil hot pot.
Leo career choices: actor, beautician, office manager

In the spirit of this Wide Brown Land of ours, Mercury moves backwards from 25 June. You’ll be communicating like a bumbling idiot on Xanax, so avoid speaking unless you’re asking for directions to the nearest public toilet. Jupiter sheds light on group activities from 26 June. Experience the magic when you align with like-minded individuals who share your enthusiasm for Auslan and Bloody Knuckles. Your energy levels take a dive under a twelfth house transit. Like the Hermit in the Rider-Waite Tarot deck, you retreat into your cave containing bottles of Howard Hughes’ urine. Nice.
Virgo career choices: yoga instructor, editor, accountant

A once-in-twelve-year professional cycle begins on 26 June when Jupiter enters your tenth house. Expect large scale career growth, that is, you finally get a job. Congratulations. The Mercury retrograde motion throws you the nitty-gritty questions during job interviews, however, the Sun-Mercury-Venus link ensures that you turn on the Libran charm with your Colombian smile and cocaine nose job. Uranus guarantees that your zine mates will help you retain your DIY edge amid the mediocrity of selling out.
Libra career choices: interior decorator, hairdresser, diplomat

Scorpio, you should be cashed up and ready for a well earned break, thanks to Jupiter’s influence over your finances and his ingress into your travel zone on 26 June. The desire to get away intensifies once the Sun, Mercury, and Venus join Jupiter the area of the birth chart described by astrologer, Dana Gerhardt, as ‘our personal alps, where the spirit soars, the mind expands, and life acquires new meaning’. You’ll be keen to explore uncharted territories from the window of an uncharted bus. Endeavours that broaden the scope of your wretched life are crucial for personal growth now. Get excited, buddy; a new adventure awaits you!
Scorpio career choices: plastic surgeon, drug lord, detective

Your ruling planet, Jupiter, moves into the constellation of Cancer on 26 June, triggering a twelve month cycle of growth in the area of other people’s resources. A tax rebate of three bucks may come your way. Spend it wisely. This is an excellent time to develop and establish a financial strategy that will pay dividends when you’re one hundred and eighty four years old. With Venus forming a trine to your Sun, you’ll live up to personal expectations effortlessly. Others see you as someone to lean on, and you are more than capable of helping others during a crisis. The New Moon on 9 June brings novel energy to a stale relationship. It’s as if you’re spooning a new partner every evening. Now, isn’t that the Sagittarian way?
Sagittarius career choices: tour guide, lawyer, book publisher

Follow-through in relation to DIY projects strengthens under the Full Moon on 23 June. A twelve-month love cycle begins on 26 June. You’ll find it easy to attract a mate under this transit, so kiss goodbye your solo Saturday night ritual of demolishing Kettle Chips while watching Death In Paradise. Mercury provides you with the social skills to bedazzle others with bullshit, while Venus ensures that you’re respectable enough to leave the house in the first place.
Capricorn career choices: stockbroker, administrator, economist

Jupiter enters your routine and well being sector on 26 June. Reconnect with daily rituals such as brewing the perfect pot of Twinings, and observe how it fits into life’s big picture. Understand the long-term impact work habits have on your health. Learn to say ‘no’ to The Man occasionally; it may save your hair. A Neptune transit signals that you’re unlikely to see the truth about your financial dealings with a Nigerian doctor you met on the Internet.
Aquarius career choices: aviator, scientist, astrologer

Pisces, this month is all about having fun while pursuing your craft. Favourable links from Jupiter and Venus to your Sun indicate that zine making will be arty but substantial, delicate but poetic, underground but prevalent. The Mercury retrograde has you penning offbeat poetry that makes the Beat poets sound about as interesting as Channel Seven news readers.
Aquarius career choices: musician, fishmonger, psychic healer

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