Astro Shite for May 2013

Aries
The Full Moon Eclipse in your travel sector on 25 May highlights the spirit of adventure. Explore exotic locations like Roppongi or Mildura to the fullest. The purpose of this transit is to drop you in uncharted physical spaces that trigger alternative mental perspectives (kinda like listening to Severed Heads through a defective clothes dryer). Ingest shavings of raw ginger to combat motion sickness as you move your lazy arse from the couch to destinations that require medical jabs for Green Monkey Disease.
Aries politician: Nick Minchin

Taurus

Taurus, this is the month to curb your stubborn streak. The Universe demands that you adopt a flexible attitude to attract opportunities that you would otherwise dismiss out of rigidity. Links between the New Moon Solar Eclipse and the South Node help restructure your physical space with exasperating flat-pack shelving. Good luck with that. Venus and Mercury combine with Jupiter between 27 and 30 May. Strike a deal with Eddie Obeid to create wealth in the most scandalous way possible. Stash your cash in offshore tax havens with the help of Mars from 31 May.

Taurus politician: Bill Shorten

Gemini

Networking skills are enhanced when Mercury enters your sign between 2 and 15 May, and is joined by Venus on 10 May. The eclipse on 25 May in your relationship zone emphasises the joy and excitement of being in leeerrrrve. The Moon highlights your inner world of feelings, which is in contrast to the cluster of planets in erudite Gemini. Develop your gut instinct and listen with your heart. Mars adds Drive to your laundry load after 31 May for extra softness and freshness. Focus on artistic inspiration on 30 May when Neptune improves your hairdo with fluoro dip-dyed ends. Cool.

Gemini politician: Bob Katter

Cancer

Mercury activates your first house at the end of the month, making it easier for you to overcome your natural shyness. Your recreational zone receives the gift of Saturn, so you’ll have to seriously ask yourself whether you’re having fun yet. Commit to zine-making, or schedule regular swap meets with like-minded dorks. Under Saturn’s influence, practical tools such as long arm staplers, UHU glue sticks, and comfort-fit scissors take on great significance. Don’t dis them; they are the gateway to a higher calibre of DIY. Let the inner revolution begin when Mars slips into your spirituality house on 31 May. Your spirit seeks rest, diversion, and a packet of pretzels to go with that beer.

Cancer politician: Wayne Swan

Leo

The eclipse in your tenth house on 10 May illuminates your true calling. If you are employed in a job that feeds your gut but not your soul, now is the time to get fired by bouncing around the office in a flesh-coloured body stocking. Yikes! Despite this disturbing image, you still manage to ooze Leo charm under the Venus transit on 10 May. You’ll be especially popular when Jupiter and Venus align between 26 and 29 May, and the body stocking slips off after a few bottles of Rekorderlig. Despite what the Fun Police say, living the good life with your mates is still a legal activity the last time I checked.

Leo politician: Joe Hockey

Virgo

Kill your face with a refining fruit acid facial when Venus squares your Sun on 10 May. It could mean the difference between looking like Kerry Ann Kennelly or Kerry Packer. Mars activates your career zone after 31 May, boosting your confidence at work. May is the month for professional change and progress if you’ve outgrown your current job. Communication and strategic skills come effortlessly under a Mercury transit from 10 May; you’ll be able to juggle different commitments simultaneously. The Lunar Eclipse in your domestic sector on 25 May helps create harmony between home concerns and your public life. Who says that you can’t have it all?

Virgo politician: Kate Ellis

Libra

Mercury accelerates your professional life on 31 May by networking and multi-tasking with abandon. The Winged Messenger joins Jupiter in your travel zone from 15 May for one of your best globetrotting phases this year. Whatever journey you embark on under this transit needs to be meaningful. You gain clarity about your place in the world while marooned on Clive Palmer, who you mistake for an atoll off the Queensland coast.

Libra politician: Julia Gillard

Scorpio

The key word for Scorpio this month is deep. With Mercury occupying your love zone between 2 and 15 May, and Venus entering your eighth house mid-month, you are propelled to form deep connections with a significant other. Like organically grown herbs, this deep relationship contains healing properties that go a long way to revitalising a tired old tart such as yourself. You’ll be inclined to smooth over personal differences for the sake of a deep union. The sharing of money, power, intimacy, and other deep issues are intensified by this month’s transits. Pretty deep, isn’t it?

Scorpio politician: Tony Abbott

Sagittarius

Mars brings fire to your love life on 31 May, but not before Venus aligns with Jupiter between the sheets on 26 May. This romantic period harmonises with the Sagittarius eclipse on 25 May. A Sagittarius Moon finds emotional stability in faith. You’ll receive flashes of inspiration from a creepy guy planted behind a Magnolia bush. Go with it. Find a mate who’ll be your fellow traveller, but protect your emotional freedom. Nothing frustrates a Centaur more than being smothered by someone who is not as hot as they are. Ask Woody Allen. Then again, don’t.

Sagittarius politician: Tanya Plibersek

Capricorn

The Saturn-Neptune link on 30 May supplies you with compassion. Your softer side emerges from the career-climbing-bastard-in-a-suit persona you present to the world. Drop your defences and your daks and show loved ones how you really feel. Renew creative plans under the eclipse on 10 May. Let go of unfulfilled pipe dreams and focus on what’s possible now.

Capricorn politician: Sarah Hanson Young

Aquarius

The period between 26 and 29 May is gratifying, thanks to Mercury, Venus, and Jupiter forming favourable aspects to your Sun. Forge creative partnerships with other zine dudes, and embark on your Big Creative Adventure armed with ideas and Crayola markers. Old family soap operas like The Sullivans and Sons and Daughters croak under the 10 May eclipse. Any activity that thrusts you into a future that looks like Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey is more than okay with you.

Aquarius politician: Eric Abetz

Pisces

The eclipse on 25 May invigorates your career zone. This transit exposes your true colours at work. Be bold and tell your boss where he can stick his revised Excel spread sheet. The Venus-Jupiter link on 10 May inspires you to make your domestic environment prettier. Finalise your living arrangements between 15 and 31 May, before the package deals end at Fantastic Furniture.

Pisces politician: Anthony Albanese